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You probably shouldnt have said that........

#1
Greetings from the big sandpit!!!
Whilst flicking through the latest (well newest to me) Private Eye this lunch time I noticed a story about when Des Browne made his first visit to the forces in Basrah a while ago, aparently he had a conversation with a soldier that went some thing like this....
" What do you know about the armed forces?" says the soldier.
"Not a lot" says Mr Browne "But what do you know abot politics?"
"Not a lot" says the soldier "but I can lie well!!" :D

This reminded me of when Prince Charles came out to Bosnia to visit when Grapple 1 was on. Amidst all the usual palava and displays etc. that go along with that sort of visit, he arrived at 'Redout', the RE camp on route triangle, which we had been busy tidying for days before hand. As well as a display of our plant equipment and a demo, the field troop had all their kit layed out and the 432 had all it's CES layed out on the tank sheet in front of the waggon. Enter Prince Charles, suitably interested in all the displays and pointing to a particular piece of the panzer's kit says to the driver..
"what's that, young man?"
To which the driver Immediately replied " I dunno Sir, I've never seen it before, It's only here because you are!!" :D
Reactions were mixed but luckily but the prince and the RSM saw the funny side!!
Anyone got anymore stories where honesty may not have been the best policy??
 
#2
This is The Guru's story, but I was on the parade on which the following happened.
The Guru and I (amongst others) had finished our Class 1 course as Cpls and were waiting to go to our new units (or in my case, 6 months in the Falklands). Anyway, whilst we were waiting to leave, we were given bone jobs to do. In the case of The Guru, it was to act as Tp Cpl for the basic course.
One Friday morning and the RSM is having his usual hissing fit on the square. The Guru has the duty clipboard and is tailing the RSM and Tp SSgt as they inspect the basic course.
The RSM approaches one soldier and asks “You Son, YOU.....!! Have you ironed that shirt, it's in sh1t state...have you ironed it...??" Soldier.. "Marginally Sir...." Cue hundreds of stiffled laughs as the RSM goes radio rental.." Marginally, f**king MARGINALLY... how the F**k do you marginally iron a shirt...?? Jail him...!!!"
Those in ear-shot had just about regained their composure when the RSM approaches another soldier. RSM. “You Son, YOU....!! Have you shaved this morning....?" Soldier. "No Sir, and I haven't had a wash either” Everyone loses it big time and are laughing their t1ts off. About half the parade are marched off to the guardroom.

Happy days.........
 
#4
Santa_Sunday said:
This is The Guru's story, but I was on the parade on which the following happened.
The Guru and I (amongst others) had finished our Class 1 course as Cpls and were waiting to go to our new units (or in my case, 6 months in the Falklands). Anyway, whilst we were waiting to leave, we were given bone jobs to do. In the case of The Guru, it was to act as Tp Cpl for the basic course.
One Friday morning and the RSM is having his usual hissing fit on the square. The Guru has the duty clipboard and is tailing the RSM and Tp SSgt as they inspect the basic course.
The RSM approaches one soldier and asks “You Son, YOU.....!! Have you ironed that shirt, it's in sh1t state...have you ironed it...??" Soldier.. "Marginally Sir...." Cue hundreds of stiffled laughs as the RSM goes radio rental.." Marginally, f**king MARGINALLY... how the F**k do you marginally iron a shirt...?? Jail him...!!!"
Those in ear-shot had just about regained their composure when the RSM approaches another soldier. RSM. “You Son, YOU....!! Have you shaved this morning....?" Soldier. "No Sir, and I haven't had a wash either” Everyone loses it big time and are laughing their t1ts off. About half the parade are marched off to the guardroom.

Happy days.........
Tis true.

I didn't go to the Falklands though. I went to Belgium to a cushy Commcen in Emblem...
 
#13
Field Marshall Bramall: "And who are you"?
Pte Sambrook: "Pte Sambrook sir"
OC: "Pte Sambrook is a keen boxer, sir"
Field Marshall Bramall: "I see. Do you give them a good punch on the nose then Pte Sambrook"?
Pte Sambrook: "Well yes sir, that is the general fackin' idea - ov boxin' that is"
Field Marshall Bramall: "Ah, yes, well.....ahem...ask a silly question...."

At least the man had a sense of humour.
 
#14
When I was in the third year at school:

Ian M*****sh (school hard bas*ard): "So you think you're hard then?"
Bagster: "Harder than you, you fat bas*ard"

......in hindsight, perhaps that reply was a mistake. Maybe if I'd replied differently, I wouldn't have the scar on my bottom lip where my tooth got assisted through it!
 
#15
At a party when a student (sorry - I was made to go).....some of the "hards" from the poly's rugby team gatecrashed (trying to pull, but ended up discussing how you could fit a cake of Imperial Leather behind your foreskin...). Me - being a seasoned EFI tw*t having spent 6 months working in a ware house on FIPASS - told the biggest one to "put (his) glasses back on (the cnut), get his gay mates and f*ck off" - cue piledriver to my mouth, a broken banister rail and a mate giggling his tits off behind me, while I tried to stem the flow of bood spurting from a split lip...

Still haven't learnt....twenty years later (the other day) I got lamped over the head by a chav with an iron bar (which was nice....) - personally, I blame both on those Belgium basta*ds brewing "wifebeater" to 5.2 percent...
 
#17
Having a rather animated discussion with an ex skate about some mechanised infantry that had been spotted descending upon MacDonald’s and causing chaos in the process, only to be joined by a mutual who friend who said "what's so funny?!" and we duly explained, to which he responded "oh, well you'd like my wife then.."

Our initial feeling of guilt was assuaged later that afternoon (following several pints) and searching questions such as:

a) Was she mechanised infantry when he met her?
b) If yes then is he some kind of sexual deviant?
c) What it looked like when they went for a run together on Sunday mornings (something we always knew was a regular fixture of their weekend)
 
#18
I recall the time when a young innocent stagging on saw his Sgt Major's car being driven off camp by some unknown to him male...... so dutifully trying to protect his Sgt Majors property he stops the car, on seeing the unknown male he asks
"who are you?"
and the reply of
" I am Mrs ********* "
did not convince him.... so he did what he thought was right and say, no way mate, your a bloke!
Later, in front of the now very red faced angry man he swore blind to the Sgt Major that his wife looked like a man..... not the best thing to say to some one who had only married a couple of years before!
Needless to say we all giggled like big girls, even though it was an innocent mistake and Mrs ********* did look like a man, and had the gravelly smokers voice to match as well...... and our poor hero was in some ones bad books for a long long time.
 

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