"You need pulling through..."

#1
We've all heard the expression "fcuk me, you need pulling through with a christmas tree you do!" when someone has dropped an exceptionally offensive air biscuit before, but is there actually a way of cleaning one's guts out good and proper? (I do realise that swallowing a piece of rifle cleaning kit attached to hundres of metres of fishing line is not possible)

I ask this as for the last few days I have been releasing some of the nastiest farts I ever have ever smelt - you know they're bad when you don't like your own brew. They smell a lot like the gas that comes out of your kitchen hob, with a strong hint of baby-poo. They linger about 10 minutes too.

I have managed to convince a young lady to visit me this weekend and it's going to be awkward if the bottom problem doesn't clear up. My shits are normal and my diet hasn't changed, but the wind literally smells like something died up there.

Short of doing a Dale Winton and sticking a lubed up garden hose up my brown-eye and giving it a rinse out, is there any way to clear this up in 24 hours?

Posted in NAAFI not Health so I get the relevant slagging, comedy answers and your own gopping-arrse related stories, as well as any proper remedies. Cheers.
 
#3
Get a stirrup pump and bucket of lager, insert stirrup pump into arse and pump beer into arsehole until unconciousness sets in . Get 3 PARA Mortar Platoon to remove pump and bugger you until you become concious again
 
#4
I'll be the serious one: Several cups of peppermint tea, tastes gopping, works a treat.
 
#5
It's time to treat yourself to 15 pints of Guinness with Andrew's chasers.
It'll clear out any system in 12-18 hours guaranteed.
 
C

cloudbuster

Guest
#6
browny31310 said:
Get a stirrup pump and bucket of lager, insert stirrup pump into arse and pump beer into * until unconciousness sets in .
Not, I would suggest, the ideal way to impress your guest.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#7
Grey_Mafia65 said:
I'll be the serious one: Several cups of peppermint tea, tastes gopping, works a treat.
I concur, although I must add - hastily - that unlike the original poster, I have never suffered anything of that sort. If - and it is a big if - I pass wind, which I never have, then it would be aromatic and totally inoffensive.
 
#9
Being firmly of the opinion that my arrse is an "out hole" only I will try a few pints of peppermint tea, thanks.

On an aside, is it true that alcohol up the jacksy gets you drunk? It may well be an apocryphal story, but I've heard of tramps jamming vodka soaked tampons up their ring as a cost effective way of getting leathered.
 
#11
Eat a large pot of natural yogurt, it will restore the bacteria in your gut that break food down and stop your bowels smelling like a drain.
 
#16
browny31310 said:
Roadki11 said:
picolax... search for the thread on it.
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for giving me an excuse to read "Following through - sport of kings again". I think from that I'll be giving the Picolax a miss. Will read the link to the biking site when the office is quieter.
 
#17
Roadki11 said:
picolax... search for the thread on it.
... I had it once... the effin glass went warm and I was told "Don't be more than 10 metres from ablutions". Awesome/Terrible. On a serious note, peppermint tea, ginger and Caraway are good, as is fennel.... sounds poofy I know. Otherwise, get Sgt. M.R. of the **** to give you a good rimming out. :eek:
 
#18
read solitary fitness by charles manson, he's got a few "self cleansing" exercises LOL
 
#19
broken_man said:
Being firmly of the opinion that my arrse is an "out hole" only I will try a few pints of peppermint tea, thanks.

On an aside, is it true that alcohol up the jacksy gets you drunk? It may well be an apocryphal story, but I've heard of tramps jamming vodka soaked tampons up their ring as a cost effective way of getting leathered.
There's a link here somewhere about some alky who couldn't drink for some reason, so gave himself an enema with three (3) litres of sherry.

And died.
 
#20
Yeah I've heard that all the cappiliaries in your anooos soak up le alchohol faster than if it had to travel all the way to your digestive system so you get leathered much faster.
 
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