"You need pulling through..."

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by broken_man, Jan 21, 2010.

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  1. We've all heard the expression "fcuk me, you need pulling through with a christmas tree you do!" when someone has dropped an exceptionally offensive air biscuit before, but is there actually a way of cleaning one's guts out good and proper? (I do realise that swallowing a piece of rifle cleaning kit attached to hundres of metres of fishing line is not possible)

    I ask this as for the last few days I have been releasing some of the nastiest farts I ever have ever smelt - you know they're bad when you don't like your own brew. They smell a lot like the gas that comes out of your kitchen hob, with a strong hint of baby-poo. They linger about 10 minutes too.

    I have managed to convince a young lady to visit me this weekend and it's going to be awkward if the bottom problem doesn't clear up. My shits are normal and my diet hasn't changed, but the wind literally smells like something died up there.

    Short of doing a Dale Winton and sticking a lubed up garden hose up my brown-eye and giving it a rinse out, is there any way to clear this up in 24 hours?

    Posted in NAAFI not Health so I get the relevant slagging, comedy answers and your own gopping-arrse related stories, as well as any proper remedies. Cheers.
     
  2. Hamsters can have a good cleaning effect. So I've been told. :oops:
     
  3. Get a stirrup pump and bucket of lager, insert stirrup pump into arse and pump beer into arsehole until unconciousness sets in . Get 3 PARA Mortar Platoon to remove pump and bugger you until you become concious again
     
  4. I'll be the serious one: Several cups of peppermint tea, tastes gopping, works a treat.
     
  5. It's time to treat yourself to 15 pints of Guinness with Andrew's chasers.
    It'll clear out any system in 12-18 hours guaranteed.
     
  6. Not, I would suggest, the ideal way to impress your guest.
     
  7. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    I concur, although I must add - hastily - that unlike the original poster, I have never suffered anything of that sort. If - and it is a big if - I pass wind, which I never have, then it would be aromatic and totally inoffensive.
     
  8. picolax... search for the thread on it.
     
  9. Being firmly of the opinion that my arrse is an "out hole" only I will try a few pints of peppermint tea, thanks.

    On an aside, is it true that alcohol up the jacksy gets you drunk? It may well be an apocryphal story, but I've heard of tramps jamming vodka soaked tampons up their ring as a cost effective way of getting leathered.
     
  10. Eat a large pot of natural yogurt, it will restore the bacteria in your gut that break food down and stop your bowels smelling like a drain.
     
  11. Save it up until the bare arsed boxing and dutch oven the bint :puker:

    Start as you mean to go on :lol:
     
  12. This supposedly works a treat, you won't catch me trying it though.
     
  13. Yeah not one for me I'm afraid - if I absolutely had to have my arrse pumped I'd want paying for it, not to fork out £75!
     
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