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You know when youre a squaddie when..........

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Gasbag, Jan 11, 2008.

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  1. You know you've been Defence institutionalised (Made military) when...You use target indication to point out hot chicks...

    You use the term 'chicks'

    You insist on dancing like a d**k, whilst your civvie mates insist on trying to dance 'properly'.

    Your civvie mates don't understand any of the terminology you use such as 'no dramas', 'squared away', 'take a knee' etc....

    You can't help saying "Roger", "Say again" and other snappy bits of VP

    You use acronyms thinking your civvie mates will understand what you are talking about

    You don't have any civvie mates....

    You cringe, and mutter under your breath 'haircut', when you see men with long hair.

    You walk at a ridiculous pace and are physically incapable of walking at the shopping pace of your girlfriend.

    You refer to personal organisation as "admin"

    Your girlfriend is stored in your mobile phone address book as 'Zero Alpha'

    You use patrol hand signals in a night club if people can't hear you

    You always use the 24 hour clock....

    Nothing soldiers do shocks you any more....

    You can't watch war movies without giving a running commentary.

    People in prison have more contact with women than you do....

    Whenever you spell something out you use the phonetic alphabet....

    You don't trust your mum/wife/girlfriend/any woman to iron your kit because deep down you think that your ironing is better....

    You point using your whole hand in a karate chop motion....

    You find that the conversation somehow always comes back round to you, because you're more interesting than most topics of conversation....

    You think not shaving is a treat....

    You get really irritated when people you don't know call you 'mate'....

    You can read a junk mail catalogue from cover to cover and refer to everything that is useful as a Gucci bit of kit.

    You refer to smoke as 'a double edged sword'.

    You spend hours wondering where in civvie street you can get an equal disposable income and at least 6 weeks holiday a year, by completing an inversely proportionally tiny amount of tangible work

    Your blood boils when you see civvies wearing DPM.

    Going out on Thursday "international army night out" wherever it may be,or whichever course one is on, involves forming the ring-of-steel, talking about ourselves and the army and aggressively staring at girls; who if they don't immediately come over are obviously lesbians.

    Should any man dare break this ritual, and despite talking to the prettiest of girls - as we would like to do, if it weren't for the fact we tend to chew our own tongues and dribble - he is clearly gay!

    You come out in a cold sweat if you find yourself still working after lunch on a Friday....

    You have to stop work at 10am for NAAFI break or else you might not make it to lunch....

    At least half of your DVD collection are war movies....

    Even though your disposable income is twice that of a civvie you still manage to spend it all, every month, with nothing to show for it, about a week after you've told all your soldiers that you 'can't believe how much money they waste on the urine'....

    You feel guilty about wearing jeans in front of senior officers in the mess

    The sight of rolling countryside makes you scan for 'enemy depth'....

    You think that eating every meal for a week with the same spoon that you licked clean and kept in the pocket of the same shirt you've worn all week is perfectly normal....

    All of your food has to be prepared by a chef because you're incapable of cooking anything that can't either be boiled in a bag or eaten cold....

    You lie when people ask you what you do for a living....

    When leaving your phone number on a voice message you can't just give it once, has to be repeated.

    When surveying open ground (when not looking for enemy in depth) you think, good tank country. If a forestry block - I could get a platoon in here

    You survey open ground.

    When you are pointing out some natural feature you begin with "Reference bushy topped tree etc etc"

    Your girlfriend has started saying "admin" and gave you the "Chop" when telling you to put the bin out.

    When meeting mates in a pub you always turn up 5 minutes early and are secretly angry that nobody else has.....Worse still, if it's a venue you haven't been to before, you turn up 15 minutes early to put in a CTR, in order that you are definitely there 5 minutes early.

    You subconsciously red-pen everything you read.
  2. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  3. When you've seen this particular subject 3 times in the past year !!!!!
  4. I'll see your 3, and raise you a 4....oh.....that's the other thread ;)
  5. Sorry new boy, didn't have time to check all the past posts.

    Thought it was funny on this borning Friday at work.......
  6. With you being a bit of a sweat here, I'll bow to your extensive knowledge :worship:
  7. It was a good effort Gasbag, we'll let you off.
  8. Gasbag, i suggest that reading the "stumpy," stories and the "pardon my erection," stories will keep you suitably entertained and occupied for a few days... BPT clean tea from your monitor and have your collegues think you are "slightly odd," for tittering to yourself like a little girl!

    Although kudos on putting up a post so soon... i haven't yet, but thats because i have nothing of interest to add and know that some people on this site aren't as forgiving as smudge!

    Links to said threads to follow.


    Edited to add - Stumpy Stories
    Pardon My Erection

  9. ???

    And what capbadge do you belong to then?
  10. OMG i am half way through Stumpy's stories - bloody brilliant, I have cleaned my computer screen 3 times, because I keep spitting food over it, while laughing.

    Fantastic, now i'm going to read some more................
  11. Wrap your screen and keyboard in clengfilm then ;-)
  12. That brings me back!

    T C
  13. No no no, you've got to read the 'my new business venture' by 'shortfuse' in 'Now that's what i call NAAFI bar' (sorry mong at putting in links).

    Now THAT is f*cking knuckle bitingly funny.
  14. Cheers for that... was feeling a bit low after i finished reading the i have something to look forward to on Monday morning!

    For everyone elses benifit

    My new business venture