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You know it’s Summer when…

I’ve been off Arrse (easy Jarrod!) for a couple of weeks on a mission with you-know-who so I’ve missed what’s been going on. Anyhoo, now that it’s warm and sunny here are a few tips for spotting that it’s summer…

1) Ugly overweight women showing mounds of soon to be pink flesh and tacky tattoos of dolphins or their kids’ names or tattoos they tried to DIY at school.
2) Tossers with gelled hair racing around with all their car windows down and the stereo cranked up to 11.
3) A&E clogged with serious cases of BBQ induced food poisoning caused by blerks who have no idea of what a BBQ should be like.
4) A&E clogged with serious cases of 70% BBQ induced burns caused by blerks who have no idea of what a BBQ should be like.
5) Supermarkets selling crap beer at ridiculously low prices.
6) “The Sun” telling us “Phew, what a scorcher!”
7) Some old biddy complaining how hot it is, just 24 hours into any temperature over 20Deg C.
8) TSO thrashing around the bed at night (Stop it!) “’cos it’s too hot.”
9) The hissing of lawns.
10) Warnings about UV levels.
11) People on public transport smelling of BO and garlic. Just like being on holiday in the Med. really.

How soon before we see another drought warning?
as Jarrod stated above! police nearly gave me a warning(caution ) type thingy after i ran outside, boning knife in hand popped ball and told local kids if it hits my window or comes over fence they would be next!!


Tescos aisles full of acres of purulent flesh hanging over waistbands, faded bra straps shamelessly showing... and that's just the staff.


Book Reviewer
Telling Harry the Bucket that I never meant to punch his lights out at the leek show last year, I was on pills from the doctor. And can I borrow his Volvo G970 grader to smooth out the fucking great ruts the Magirus Deutz has carved out of the forest road since last autumn?

I do not mind begging if the situation calls for it, but Harry the fucking Bucket? Jesus. I wish it was still winter.
In my line of work, it's the annual upsurge in enquiries about Psychology or Counselling courses from people who're quite obviously more in need of the services than the training.

And, of course, those for whom it comes as a surprise that they might have to pay for a fifth year of university education. "I've got no money, can I have a scholarship?" No. No, you can't. You can, however, fuck right off and stop wasting my time entirely for free.
The pissing sun wakes you up every morning at precisely 0530 as it beams into your bedroom.

All the pretty girls start wearing less clothes and provide some serious eye candy on the drive home from work.
You know it's summer when:

You can run about on the A361 in the nude without being sectioned ("it's a photo shoot for the Torygraph, officers").

When you can sleep in the gutter without being frozzen solid.

When the mutt can't be arsed to go for a walk because it's too hot.

When your soil pipe cracks after the sudden temp change and a torrent of shit spews all over the garden, stinking the place up and attracting Martin Luther's Legions.
When you get in to work and every fucker complains how they're in work on "Such a lovely day". You ask them what they'd rather be doing, going for a drive, beer garden, in the park with the kids or sunbathing and every answer gets you a "No, it's a bit too hot for that". What the fuck are you whinging about being in work for then?

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