Yokel's Fifty Rules for Life

[sniper_bob]

4. Shannon Matthew's Law.

The volume of Uncle Michael's divan drawer is inversely proportional to mummy's IQ.

 

[aardvark64]

The volume of Uncle Michael's divan drawer is inversely proportional to mummy's IQ.

It's not just monsters that live under the bed?

 

[deanol]

'There's only one rule,Fletcher.......obey all the rules'.......Officer McKay

Wrong!

"There are only two rules Fletcher, one - do not write on the walls, two - obey all the rules."

Anyway, the only rule anyone needs is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Everything else is merely commentary.

Oh very well, if you need another couple, here is Field Marshall Montgomery to the House of Lords in 1952...

The next war on land will be very different from the last one, in that we shall have to fight it in a different way. Rule 1, on page 1 of the book of war, is: "Do not march on Moscow". Various people have tried it, Napoleon and Hitler, and it is no good. That is the first rule. I do not know whether your Lordships will know Rule 2 of war. It is: "Do not go fighting with your land armies in China". It is a vast country, with no clearly defined objectives.

 

[Toastie]

You’re taking a very simplistic view of life. A compo tin opener is pretty fcuking close to perfect when you’ve only got tinned rations, it’s pissing down, and you’re cold and wet.

People do make mistakes, and people like @Toastie might make a mistake that means replacing some parts on an aircraft, but I’d really rather not allow him room for improvement and growth if it results in the loss of an aircraft with 200 people on it. I want him to get it right, first time, every time, at least so far as survival is concerned.

As for “Trust in God, everyone else in writing”. HMF are built upon trust. None of that trust is in writing (save maybe Commissioning scrolls and warrants).

You can’t generalise life into 50 rules. They’re merely suggestions.

HTF did I get dragged into this ?

You'd better invest in some of that faith in God Arrse because putting your faith in me to get it right first time, every time is what clever people would call an unbounded error. That’s why our the entire Safety System is built around trapping errors and much of my job is avoiding error but more importantly, identifying it and correcting it when it does happen.

It’s a widely held article of faith in aviation that the day you know it all is the day to pack it in.

The supreme irony is that pilots are held to be arrogant, egotistical cocks. Those don’t last long because again, the system just cannot accept that mindset. Another group of clever people classify us as mainly Stable Extroverts.

Anyway, speaking as a cock, did I ever tell you about the time I steered this flaming wreck of an aircraft away from the Primary School whilst finger banging Liz Hurley as she noshed me off?

PS, I’ve no idea what the thread was about as I read a few posts and my eyes started bleeding.

 

[Harry Skinters]

we've all read Black Box Thinking....

My managing director has as have I.
We were talking recently about publishing lessons learned from accidents in the vein of black box thinking.
I brought up the suggestion in our quarterly meeting as the MD knew I was going to. It didnt stop one of the regional directors try to shoot me down as we dont want to go into detail and specifics.
He was then advised to go and read black box thinking as that was the whole point.
I may have smirked slightly

 

[ancient]

Never piss where you sleep.
Unless you've finished sleeping. Or really really need a piss.

Never shit where you eat. Unless of course you are in a restaurant.

 

[loofkar]

Anyway, speaking as a cock, did I ever tell you about the time I steered this flaming wreck of an aircraft away from the Primary School whilst finger banging Liz Hurley as she noshed me off?

You're one of the bravest f*ckers I've ever heard of - one small prang and she could've have bitten it through!

 

[Ecosse]

Always check out a possible future M-in-L.
That's pretty much the fat old walnut faced farting thyroid deficient bad tempered slag you've got one day.

 

[Toastie]

My managing director has as have I.
We were talking recently about publishing lessons learned from accidents in the vein of black box thinking.
I brought up the suggestion in our quarterly meeting as the MD knew I was going to. It didnt stop one of the regional directors try to shoot me down as we dont want to go into detail and specifics.
He was then advised to go and read black box thinking as that was the whole point.
I may have smirked slightly

It’s been happening in aviation for years. There’s generally lots to learn.

Theres another side to it which is less complimentary of its’ adherents; Tombstone Legislation. For those that don’t know, this is the process whereby Regulatory Authorities who should have put in place regulations to improve safety didn‘t, usually under pressure from those who’d have to foot the bill for satisfying the regulatory requirement.

Then there’s an (entirely preventable) accident, much wailing and gnashing of teeth at which point the Regulatory Authority puts in place regulations to stop it happening again. This is usually vigorously challenged by those who will foot the bill for satisfying the regulatory requirement and very expensive lawyers get called in. As the bill footers’ collective pockets are usually deeper than the Regulators’, they get out-lawyered and the regulatiin gets watered down to tge point of being essentially meaningless.

Then there‘s an (entirely preventable) accident etc.

It’s not just aviation but imho they are amongst the worst offenders.

If you’re wondering why regulation, design, safety attitudes and risk aversion, amongst a very great deal else is so important, read the thoughts of this fella:

The Swiss cheese model of safety incidents: are there holes in the metaphor?

IMHO this should be required reading for anyone with managerial responsibilities in a safety critical workplace.

Anyway, NAAFI. Tits etc.

 

[Toastie]

You're one of the braves f*ckers I've heard of - one small prang and she could've have bitten it through!

Nah, no danger there mate, I know it all and walk on water so the chances of anything going wrong whilst I’m around are precisely zero.

 

[Teeblerone]

Cock Womble

I'd say that was more of a hobby than a rule.

 

[RTU'd]

Never turn down a shag if its offered

Every holes a goal even on grannies.
If they offer to take out false teeth you know its BJ time.

 

[holyphuc]

You offering?

Depends, have you got a clunge and a pulse?
In fact now I'm over 55 the pulse isn't always necessary

 

[AsterixTG]

Every holes a goal even on grannies.
If they offer to take out false teeth you know its BJ time.

and if they take their eye out, you might get a song at the same time.

 

[Teeblerone]

Always check out a possible future M-in-L.
That's pretty much the fat old walnut faced farting thyroid deficient bad tempered slag you've got one day.

I would've agreed. except my ex now looks about 75 and her mum a well-preserved 50.
Watching Steptoe and Son sends a shiver up my spine...

 

[Flash MacTavish]

1. Tell the truth and shame the devil.
2. Live with integrity.
3. Have courage.
4. Accept nothing and nobody is 100%.
5. To err is human, to forgive divine.
6. See it as a system.
7. Communicate effectively and appropriately.
8. Do not make major decisions without looking for negatives.
9. Improve things one step at a time.
10. Live like the hero you want to be.
11. Pay attention to detail.
12. Trust in God, get it in writing from everyone else.
13. Just because they are not wearing a white feather does not mean they are a coward with a total lack of integrity.
14. Be more cat like - get as much sleep and affection as you can.
15. Do practical things.
16. Think slowly, act quickly.
17. Remember that a large proportion of lots of things is better than all of just one or two things.
18. Keep an eye on the big picture.
19. Do the easy things first - like in an exam.
20. In a crisis carry on with critical tasks, communicate, and work on the problem logically.
21. Be careful what you say/write/fantasise about.
22. Strike whilst the iron is hot - opportunity knocks rarely so grab it with both hands.
23. Be ready for opportunities - and threats.
24. Remember Machiavelli - if an injury is to be done to a man, it should be so severe that his vengeance is not to be feared.
25. Remember Newton's three laws of motion. They also apply to how people think.
26. Remember that the amount of information contained by a message relates to its rarity - unfortunately that makes it difficult to accept emotionally or politically.
27. Remember absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
28. Remember correlation does not imply causation.
29. Ask 'why' repeatedly to find root causes.
30. Try not to do anything today that you will regret tomorrow.
31. Remember that anything with high energy has real potential to cause harm or damage.
32. If you cannot look forward, look back. Think of a tunnelling machine. It cannot see forward, but it can use a laser to ensure that the tunnel it is digging continues to be in a straight line.
33. Stop cursing the dark. Light a candle instead.
34. Remember you cannot change one part of a system without changing everything.
35. Remember that your image is important - do everything to strengthen your signal and minimise the noise. Think like an advertiser.
36. Failing to plan is the same as planning to fail.
37. No plan survives contact with reality - be prepared to adapt and improvise.
38. Learn from minor failures to prevent major ones. Experience is Golden.
39. Be aware of comfort zones and the danger of getting trapped in one.
40. Listen to your body. Obey your thirst, pay attention to aches and pains, watch for signs of tiredness, and look for the absence of the normal or presence of the abnormal.
41. Remember that you are part of nature - an IPod or XBox has nothing in common with you, a dog, cat, or goldfish has. So does every creature.
42. Prevention is better than cure.
43. Talk to the widest group of people you can. Even if they hold completely different views they will help refine your arguments. If they do different things to you, you will be able to learn things.
44. Only take a long shot it you are able to reload in time for a closer range one.
45.Take small bites - particularly at first.
46. Remember that rest is as important as work and play.
47. You can cope with any 'what' if you have a 'why'.
48. Play to your strengths, not others' weaknesses.
49. Laugh!
50. Do not look up to others because of their wealth, status, or qualifications, or look down on them because they have less of these things or because of their job. Seek to speak to them whilst looking in their eyes, accepting them as equal partners in our shared endeavour of life.

Re. #10. Not certain that Sir Harry Flashman would be looked upon with a benign eye today.

 

[theoriginalphantom]

If you come across a dead prostitute in the woods, change direction..... You are clearly walking in circles

I think you are supposed to cum on them before killing them,

remember to carry out a "DNA sweep" before leaving

 

[load_fin]

Evening all, just wanted to take a minute to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy year, most of all good health!

These days people don't spend much time or thought on some personal words to their friends and family, they just copy and paste some random shit and send it on.

So, after all we've been though together this year I want to thank you for your friendship and wish you a happy 2018!

You are the best gymnastics group anyone could ask for.

Best wishes, Helen

S'funny; I got exactly the same message on Whatsapp on Xmas eve, purportedly from a friend (not called Helen).

Is there a security breach somewhere or is it a meme-type thing that has gone over my head?

 

[theoriginalphantom]

I prefer Gibbs rules.

 

[Bravo_Bravo]

Get fucked.

Not a bad rule...