Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by 5.56short, Sep 26, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Here's the thing....

    A pal of mine got me thinking about GOLF. She's been dripping about her bloke buggering off to some foreign land (France I think, God help him) to play golf. Now, she's a bit of a catch this chick (tall, essence, bit mardy - ticks every box, as it were) and this bell-end is playing GOLF instead of swooping in her, ahem, undercroft.

    Why would anyone do that? Moto GP, Rugby World Cup, Man U at home to Chelsea.... Yes, yes, and ok go on then. But feckin' golf??????? What kind of beefer would do that?


    I'm a reasonably intelligent sort, concentrated at school, listened to my Mum, that sort of thing, and I'll try anything once (apart from the "act" suggested by a Russian whore in Sochi involving my back-doors, a pound of butter and the big black fake rubber cock, that was just wrong). But I just DO NOT GET GOLF.

    Here's why: apart from it NOT being a sport or remotely looking like fun, or having any sort of humour attached to it, or involving lycra-pit-girls, or having a moderate amout of violence or the propensity for comic injuries, like bull-fighting does (antler up the bum, now THAT's funny!), or any kind of fitness involved, IT'S JUST SHYTE. But lots of reasonably intelligent folk seem to do it. Fecks sake, the Seniors' Mess is virtually run from a golf course, you can't find a WO2 on a Wednesday afternoon unless you're surrounded by grass, trees and blokes dressed as '70's pimps.

    Somebody help me out here...

    WTF is the appeal of golf that grown heterosexual men pass up a bit of the good stuff to knock a ball around a field?

    The opinions of fellow arrsers would be welcomed.

    Edited to add: before anyone reminds me, yes I have seen the grumble vid "18 Holes", but I'm not taking account of that as I don't hink it was a documentary.
  2. The best thing about Golf, is the movie Happy Gilmore. Thats it.
  3. I'm bloody pants and golf, but I still play, very badly. I don't however go on "golfing holidays", that's just sad.

    I also wouldn't pass up on a fit bird for a round either.

    Maybe I'm not a "hardcore golfer"? Thankfully :)
  4. Two takes on golf:

    Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her.
    ~ Val Doonican

    Golf is a good walk spoiled.
    ~ Mark Twain

    I'm with Mark Twain!
  5. you've just reminded me the open tournaments coming up soon and thats down the golf course were i live (royal st georges) f*ck me it happened a while back and the whole town came to a stand still :x
  6. Caddy Shack is good too!
  7. Nope, no help whatsoever.

    Im disappointed. No chicks. No phys. No amusing anecdotes. It's the sh1t sandwich of "games" (note not "sports").

    Happy Gilmore - did that have Adam Sandler in it? World's least funny man, he makes The Crankies look like comic geniuses. The hamster in Caddyshack was more talented.

    And Golfers?? Idiots and misfits to a man:

    Ian Woosnam - fat beefer with a village people voice
    "Tiger" Woods - Tiger my Arrse, "Hamster" Woods would be more appropiate.
    Seve Bollocksdroppedoff (or whatever his name is) - big albino arrse biscuit.

    My brother started playing golf last year and he used to be a hoofing run ashore. Now the only thing keeping me awake when we're out is the cocktail sticks I have to jab into my eyes to stay focused on his inane drivel about "parrs" and "tees".
  8. Think outside the box FFS man!

    Next time you meet up with your brother, ask to go with him to his golf club with a couple of your oppos who want to try it out. See how many bootie-inspired activities you can build into the 'game', obviously involving nekkidness and the ritual humiliation of at least one of the old crusties, hack divots into the turf that will give the groundsman a nervous breakdown and get your brother black-balled from that and EVERY club in the world.

    Result: golf anecdotes to dine out on and the reclamation of your brother from the crusty world of retirees for hoofing runs ashore! 8)
  9. Dozy, you're a genius! I'm digging the arrseless jodpuhs and the pink fluffy fedora out of the rig box right now.

    But where shall I keep the spare tee......
  10. The thing about golf is that it is bloody addictive when you start playing. I play with some of my oppos and it's a great crack, even though we are all pretty cack at it. As for going on a golfing holiday - that is a bit cock. Holidays are for going mental and getting caught s*agging by the swimming pool with the missus, not trying to get a ball in the hole. Hang on....
  11. I play with the company and yeah, its just w@nk. whats most annoying is how complicated they have to make it. Instead of saying "hit the white thing with the stick thing and get it in the hole" they bring in loads of different ways to score the game and then bore you with 'tactical' assistance on every hole. Golf is a social disease. Like the clap.
  12. As someone once said golf is a good way of ruining a good walk!
  13. Ive just remembered a Jackass sketch about golf. That's a bit more like it, but thats arrsery on a golf course, not golf.

    And I think me and a mate once nicked one of the gay golf car thingys from the Belfry after a Rugby match nearby (Birmingham Welsh?) and drove it home. About 8 miles.

    I might be mellowing on the subject. Wait, no I'm not. It's beef and needs to be destroyed. I'm putting the G1 Planning Team together, some one wake up Moody and MDN...

    Im a feckin idiot. Ill get my coat....
  14. I love golf. Seriously! All the officers in my branch play it. When they all go off for a game I can bugger off home early!
  15. elovabloke

    elovabloke LE Moderator

    You have never been on a golf holiday then - Turkey 7 nights, all the food and drink you can take onboard and 6 rounds to sober up during the day - all for under £600 and the food gestapo can redecorate the front room while your away.