"WTF? I never would have expected to hear that" and other stories that have shocked you.

Did Daisy turn her head and bat her eyes at you?
Spitroasting a toothless cow must be unforgettable, have you seen the length of it's tongue? Imagine that plaiting out your rusty sheriff's badge, Jeez!

A cow's tongue is like a sticky wet version of 40 grade sandpaper.

Don't ask how I know.
 

DSJ

LE
Talking to a vet years ago he said if he was doing anything that involved the rear end of a horse he would make sure there was a sturdy barrier between him and their hooves, whereas with cows he was happy to work without one, which obviously means cows are slags and enjoy someone rooting around in their nether regions.

Anticipating all the obvious jokes well in advance, I helped a friend who was having his bulls semen-tested prior to selling them. The crush was well-built, but the bulls still needed to be a) harnessed and b) have someone putting their full weight on the crush gates at all times. Four people (including the vet) to get this done - jam a great vibrating dildo up their arse, stimulate the prostate, collect the semen, and listen to the agonised roar of the bulls who clearly did not like it and were telling all their pals just how shit it was. At one point two bulls tried to pull the pin and exit the sheds by jumping the race walls, where we were stood. 850+ kg of bulls jumping 7-8 feet to get away. Not a relaxing afternoon.
 

Chap lives a few doors down from my ex so I often bump into him when dropping the kids off. Nice enough guy but got to wonder WTF was going through his head at the time.

I like the bit where the judge says it required "planning" - I'd certainly disagree with that one.
He was the subject of an episode of one of the police programmes on either C4/5 the other year with the Beds CID unit
 
Anticipating all the obvious jokes well in advance, I helped a friend who was having his bulls semen-tested prior to selling them. The crush was well-built, but the bulls still needed to be a) harnessed and b) have someone putting their full weight on the crush gates at all times. Four people (including the vet) to get this done - jam a great vibrating dildo up their arse, stimulate the prostate, collect the semen, and listen to the agonised roar of the bulls who clearly did not like it and were telling all their pals just how shit it was. At one point two bulls tried to pull the pin and exit the sheds by jumping the race walls, where we were stood. 850+ kg of bulls jumping 7-8 feet to get away. Not a relaxing afternoon.
Don't leave us all in suspense!

Did you manage to collect all of its semen in your mouth?
 
Edmondson, said: ‘I think suicidal thoughts are normal. I’ve lived with them all my life. I’ve looked at Tube trains rushing into the stations... I’ve looked over cliffs. I’ve read up on the contents of the medical cabinet. I know how to do it.’

 

Cavuman

Old-Salt
When I was fifteen (1964 - Gulp!) I landed a job as an orderly at Crawford W. Long Hospital, the medical teaching facility for Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. I was to be a general factotum; with my sky blue shirt and bleach white pants, I was expected to perform less than a surfeit of responsibilities. Admitting workups were fun; I took TPRBP (temperature, pulse, respirations, and blood pressure) and brief sociomedical histories. My other functions were less than exciting: administer bedpans, make beds, and roll bodies to the morgue, which at Crawford Long was on the seventh (top) floor.

One summer day I was paged to the first-floor Emergency room to collect a deceased patient. The hospital had six ER suites; I was directed to ER 6, the room furthest down the hall, away from the screams of "Muthafucka shot my ass!" and the Aye Aye Ayes, which is what we called Puerto Rican admissions since whether they had an ingrown toenail or an aortic aneurysm they would scream "Aye, Aye, Aye!" repeatedly. But I digress.

I walked down the hall to ER 6. It was very quiet. Silent, actually. I entered the room. No cabinets were open. No operative trays of retractors, scalpels, hemostats, saws, sutures, etc. had been deployed, nor was a defibrillator in evidence. No anesthetic delivery equipment was there, no Gomco suction, and, astonishingly, no blood was seen. This was obviously an unrevivable DOA.

There was something wrong, however. The green sheet draping the body had a profile which seemed odd and unfamiliar to me. The topography of sheet had bumps where it shouldn't and none where it should. I felt compelled to draw the sheet back to see what was on the gurney.

What was on the gurney was a lovely young woman, blonde, in her early thirties. She had flipped her car and was not wearing a seatbelt. Her head had penetrated the windshield and when the automobile rolled, she was decapitated by the sharp glass.

The ER staff had kindly placed her severed head (eyes wide open, rictus of pain on her red lips) in the crook of her left arm, where it stared directly into my pupils, dilated wide from the shock of the scene.o_O

- Ed
 
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Old Stab

LE
Book Reviewer
Used the PNC to access victims personal details and never thought that might show up - fcking unbelievable if not streamed on telly.
Got a mate who's Met police.
PNC ..EVERYTHING is audited, you have to be denser than a Neutron star to think you won't get caught using PNC for anything other than legitimate police reasons.
 

CrazyLegs!

War Hero
Got a mate who's Met police.
PNC ..EVERYTHING is audited, you have to be denser than a Neutron star to think you won't get caught using PNC for anything other than legitimate police reasons.
A copper got done for using it to track down a suspected love rival he kept seeing parked outside his house while he was on shift and his mrs was home.

He used the vehicle reg to get his address and went round to confront the bloke, and found out 1) he was gay, his husband answered 2) he parked there and walked to the train station for his commute, as it was free parking.

Complaint made to the IPCC and bang to rights.
 
Got a mate who's Met police.
PNC ..EVERYTHING is audited, you have to be denser than a Neutron star to think you won't get caught using PNC for anything other than legitimate police reasons.
Professional Standards can only audit a small proportion of PNC requests. There is a very good chance that you will get away with unlawful requests.
 
Some years ago a woman I worked with confessed her husband was doing a lengthy stretch in Durham nick.

Nothing massively surprising in that

Until she told me it was for being caught in a field (with step ladder) shagging a horse
Perhaps more surprising was that because he didn't have a car he had taken the step ladder over his shoulder on a Honda step through

The Police caught him in the act and he got a custodial for it

On of the few occasions in life I didn't have a reply to
Was he sent down furlong?
 
sure there was a fast show sketch of a vet warming a pasty up like that
Warming up pies and pasties was a skill, the only cookware you needed from Redford barracks to Kyle of lochalsh (sp) was some tin foil and taking the engine/gearbox cover off the tonny, smelled like shit, tasted amazing
 
I used to cook tins of sausage and beans, and bacon grill in similar fashion. Dannat wire them to the 43 exhaust, cooked hrough by the time the cam was up in the next location. Lovely
 
Sadly no horse shagging in my WTF story.
I was working the early turn the day of the Parsons Green bombing, the operator in a panda.
Get an immediate grade call to Westbourne Park Station that someone’s gone under a train. We’re round the corner so first on scene, due to the bombing there’s two very bored looking PCs stood outside the station. All seems very quiet with no one streaming out of the station or any sort of panic, ask them if they’ve seen or heard anything. No comes the reply so start thinking it’s either a false alarm or the wrong station but thought I’d make absolutely sure so head down to the platform and promptly see the train halfway down the tracks evacuating. Shout up on my radio for my driver and the two muppets to get down onto the platform and bring the first aid kit. Powers off on the tracks so jump down onto them and take a second to brace myself expecting that I’ll be confronted by some sort of human jam when I look under the train. Instead there’s a little face with milk bottom glasses on peering back at me.
‘You ok mate?’
‘I think so’
Ask him if he can move and then to crawl towards me and out from under the train. Stand him up and do a quick survey for any injuries but don’t find anything beyond a oil/grease stain on the back of his tshirt. BTP then turn up and section him. Watch the CCTV after and was a definite suicide attempt rather than a cry for help but he has somehow managed to land in the centre of the track and have the train roll straight over him without leaving a scratch on him.
 
Professional Standards can only audit a small proportion of PNC requests. There is a very good chance that you will get away with unlawful requests.
Until you want to look at them. A bit like wife / girlfriend just having that sneaky look at your browsing history. Mostly they don't, but when they do..........
 

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