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Worst Hotel in the World

Travelodge Amesbury, near Stonehenge. Utter facking shytehole. After driving for about 14 hours from North East Germany with two kids in the back, one of which was a year old and screamed nearly all the way. We got there about midnight, to be greeted by an utterly moronic night manager who was outside chainsmoking trying to catch wasps nesting in the roof.
The Family room was filthy, and the pull out bed mattress had been fxxked a few times and at least one jizzy shyt stain on it, I put every piece of bed linen out of our car and a sleeping bag on it for our eldest to kip on it. The shower was knackered, you got either skin peeling scolding hot, no water or freezing cold. I had to hand my now exhausted and in tears missus a cut down water bottle full of warm water from the sink so she could wash her hair. I reported this and said moron assured us he would task a plumber to fix it. Next morning at reception was a sign which stated “We are aware of the problem with the water and have reported this to our engineers”, three days it was there. Only food option was an attached greasy grotty Little Thief.
I borrowed an ironing board from reception on the first night, after one of my mates offered to lend us is house till our quarter got sorted, I went to hand it back in. The deaf as feck senile old bitch on the reception desk was attempting to type, and ignoring me so after waiting 25 minutes of me saying “hello! Hello! Can I return this please? I just want to return this! It will take seconds! HELLO!!” Nothing, so I javelined the ironing board across the reception desk across the room “ Fxck you and your facking wa nk er hotel you witless cxxt!” and walked out. Utter fecking scum
 
Union Jack back in the early 80ies, Army beds and blankets. Sharing the bathrooms with everyone else on the same floor . Going for breakfast just like in the cookhouse, exactly the same fried egg, sausage etc. Except you had to “pay”. Something like 4.50 , I was in shock. Went there in 2007 ish. Paid for a double room with shower. Much better.
 
Stayed in a hotel in Pilsen just after the wall came down. If memory serves it was Hotel Central and pretty much the only hotel in town. I believe it has now been significantly revamped however in those days when you stepped into the lift (space for two only) and pushed the button the walls departed at different intervals and a few seconds before the floor decided to try and catch up. There wasn't a right angle to be found. The hotel had one redeeming feature in that it was the only place in town where we could get a beer.
 
Travelodge Amesbury, near Stonehenge. Utter facking shytehole. After driving for about 14 hours from North East Germany with two kids in the back, one of which was a year old and screamed nearly all the way. We got there about midnight, to be greeted by an utterly moronic night manager who was outside chainsmoking trying to catch wasps nesting in the roof.
The Family room was filthy, and the pull out bed mattress had been fxxked a few times and at least one jizzy shyt stain on it, I put every piece of bed linen out of our car and a sleeping bag on it for our eldest to kip on it. The shower was knackered, you got either skin peeling scolding hot, no water or freezing cold. I had to hand my now exhausted and in tears missus a cut down water bottle full of warm water from the sink so she could wash her hair. I reported this and said moron assured us he would task a plumber to fix it. Next morning at reception was a sign which stated “We are aware of the problem with the water and have reported this to our engineers”, three days it was there. Only food option was an attached greasy grotty Little Thief.
I borrowed an ironing board from reception on the first night, after one of my mates offered to lend us is house till our quarter got sorted, I went to hand it back in. The deaf as feck senile old bitch on the reception desk was attempting to type, and ignoring me so after waiting 25 minutes of me saying “hello! Hello! Can I return this please? I just want to return this! It will take seconds! HELLO!!” Nothing, so I javelined the ironing board across the reception desk across the room “ Fxck you and your facking wa nk er hotel you witless cxxt!” and walked out. Utter fecking scum
Ah yes, the place one of my colleagues described as "the place where dreams and hookers goe to die."
 
Union Jack back in the early 80ies, Army beds and blankets. Sharing the bathrooms with everyone else on the same floor . Going for breakfast just like in the cookhouse, exactly the same fried egg, sausage etc. Except you had to “pay”. Something like 4.50 , I was in shock. Went there in 2007 ish. Paid for a double room with shower. Much better.
UJ in the early 70s was a little more basic; you had to place your boots under the bedends otherwise they'd be gone in the morning. Aye, they were the days.

Around much of Africa, though, in the villages there would be good places to stay, and usually they were the best that could be offered under the circumstances; the laws of economics would decide that. Geological exploration people were frequently the best people to judge which were the best, and usually they got it right; any wattle and daub place with reasonably clean water, the best mosquito nets, the cleanest foam mattresses and the best coffee in the morning would win the 'long'-term contract, and little else mattered, apart from a good curry, nyama choma or chicken in the late evenings, plus ice-cold Budweiser. Any problems would be instantly attended to; there's money involved. I stayed in some of these places around the Shinyanga region of Tanzania during the exploration phases and they were genuine havens. Friendly, too; never a problem.

Easyjet at Heathrow. Fck me. Regression or what.
 
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Mirrambeena in Darwin. Owned by the local aborigine tribe but none of them work there, it's all honkies. The abos roll up every morning around ten when the bar opens and spend the day getting shitfaced before strolling round the place looking for rooms to break into to nick stuff. Fuckers got my flight bag and apparently it's quite a common problem, but no one talks about it and the staff appear terrified when questioned. Probably lose their jobs for dobbing in the bosses.
Not surprised really. Anyone reports it, it's instantly "RACISM!!!!"

One of the blokes I work with used to work for a large automotive software company in Aus. He had the job of sending sales reps around the country. He sent one young lady up Darwin way one time including a couple of nights stay at one of the local hotels, only to get a panicky call from the manager of the car dealership she was visting. He said to my former colleague "What the hell are you doing putting her up at <some shithole hotel I can't remember>, do you want her to get raped?". Apparently any women over that way get fought over between the local black fellas and the local drugged up white folks.

The dealership manager put her up at his place for the duration of her stay.
 
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Yup. It was my own fault. In SA or Africa I'd have made sure any valuables were on me, logbook and passport hidden and headset put somewhere safe. I figured being Oz you wouldn't have the *ahem* local issues, so just left my flight bag with all my shit in it under the desk when I went for dinner.
 
@CaptainRidiculous will probably know the place. The F1 in Cape Town near the airport. It's a kind of modular plastic type place and reasonably cheap. Used to fly night freight down there with stops in Durban, PE and East London, and spend the day in CT sleeping, have dinner then back to the airport for the return to JNB the following night.

Anyhow, it was bloody difficult trying to sleep there due to the local hookers bringing their clients in for a couple of hours and throwing them around the room. Quite a bit of screaming at times and the apres shagging get togethers in the corridors got noisy as hell. Told them to fuck off a few times and they'd slink off but the next time the same old shit. The return flight was fuelled by four litres of Coke for the caffeine content to keep me awake as the other bloke would pass out immediately we got airborne and I'd wake him when we started the descents into our destinations.
 
Had to stay with a few Japanese clients at the only decent hotel in Basra a couple of years back. Wasn't actually too bad for what you would expect. Finding a cleaner sleeping on my bed was a surprise though. My terp said it was pretty common the cleaners would get their heads down in your room with the aircon if they thought you had gone out all day.
 
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Regarding the Union Jack Club, I've only stayed there once about 15 years to attend my TA reunion. I'd heard about the place since when I joined the regs in 1984. I was expecting and hoping it would resemble the officer mess from the film "Tunes of Glory" or some military museum. Disappointed was I. The building looked like a 1980's bank HQ. I couldn't get in as I didn't have ID a mate had to be called who signed me in, the sour faced east European bints on the reception desk told me I had lost my pre booked room as I was 20 minutes late in arriving so I'd lost it but they'd gave me a similar room, I suspected they were letting me know they could feck me around like I was a recruit again. Got badly pissed in one of the bars served by 2 pretty Ethiopian girls.
The following morning with a monster hangover brewing I had a full English brekkie served by a chubby Russian lady. The breakfast was the only thing English/British in the place. It was Ok no atmosphere and little that I recall about the UK military.
 
Had to stay with a few Japanese clients at the only decent hotel in Basra a couple of years back. Wasn't actually too bad for what you would expect. Finding a cleaner sleeping on my bed was a surprise though. My terp said it was pretty common the cleaners would get their heads down in your room with the aircon if they thought you had gone out all day.

We had two cleaners on our camp near Basra. It was accepted that they would use our washing facilities to clean their clothes while they were working (in their coveralls) and they always left work looking smarter than when they started. The decision to let one of them go was made after he was suspected of a bit of ‘light’ thieving from desk drawers, but definitely caught brushing his teeth with one of the expats toothbrushes and toothpaste.
 
We had two cleaners on our camp near Basra. It was accepted that they would use our washing facilities to clean their clothes while they were working (in their coveralls) and they always left work looking smarter than when they started. The decision to let one of them go was made after he was suspected of a bit of ‘light’ thieving from desk drawers, but definitely caught brushing his teeth with one of the expats toothbrushes and toothpaste.

Had something along the lines of that on Camp Delma just outside Basra. Our blonde Dutch travel clerk couldn't work out how she was getting through 10 pair of knickers a rotation....
 
We had two cleaners on our camp near Basra. It was accepted that they would use our washing facilities to clean their clothes while they were working (in their coveralls) and they always left work looking smarter than when they started. The decision to let one of them go was made after he was suspected of a bit of ‘light’ thieving from desk drawers, but definitely caught brushing his teeth with one of the expats toothbrushes and toothpaste.
We had a cleaner in our compound in Kabul, the only thing he ever 'stole' was black boot polish to comb through his greying beard. You knew if he'd been at yours because of the black finger marks on the tin...
Like all good Muslims, he would never admit to having a drink, strangely he would never pour the remains of any drinks down the sink, preferring to tip them into a bucket before washing the glasses. Even more strange, he would appear to be truly cunted by 11 a.m. if it was the morning after a team session....
That said, he was a little terrier, any LEC's that tried to enter 'his' part of the compound would regret it, a couple of times first aid had to be administered to much younger blokes who thought they'd try their luck getting to the optics or beer fridge unseen.
I can confidently say that no Afghan could ever be accused of using a toothbrush, for any purpose, regardless of who the owner was.
They just wouldn't have a clue......
 
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