Worst Ever Shag!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Moodybitch, May 13, 2005.

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  1. The worst ever shag I had was with someone who I went out with for no other reason than he was fit.

    His brain was the size of a pea, conversation skills non exisitant and he wasn't a good drinker.....but he looked good.

    We fannied about for a few weeks before getting down to the nitty gritty one night and it was the worst experience of my life!

    Now, I was kind of getting used to his sloppy kissing techniques (ie; slobbering all over my face) but nothing could prepare me for what was to come....

    After some ridiculous fumbling about in my pants - I'm still not quite sure what he was doing - things led to a more 'physical' situation.

    So off come the trolleys, out comes the KY (sorry but it was needed) and so it began, my once in a lifetime shag with 'Jerry the Jackhammer'.

    I don't know if it was something to do with the fast music on the radio, or perhaps he just wanted to finish it before his chips got cold...but he was the fastest thruster I have ever had the misfortune to go to bed with.

    It got so bad that I decided to adopt the 'roll over and get on top' manouver to try and regain some control and, ultmately a slower pace.

    But alas, unaffected by this in the slightest he just carried on hammering away like a human pneumatic drill (but now he had an opportunity to grab my tits like he was kneading dough). I will never know if he noticed my head smashing into the wall, or the fact I had to cling on to the headboard for some stability- seriously, I nearly fell off him a few times - but I reached a point where I could take it no longer, and promptly burst out laughing.

    Now, this may seem very cruel, but it was a reflect reaction and once I started I couldn't stop - much to his horror.

    He threw me off (which doesn't matter cos I was clinging on by a pube anyway), got dressed and stormed out of the house to the tune of my hysterical laughter - never to return.

    He never spoke to me again and I don't really blame him.

    I will never forget him though - he has gone down in Moodybitch history as THE worst shag I ever had.....

    ...What's yours?
  2. Some blonde bint from the shot a few years ago, biatch started laughing at me :roll:

    Tits were so flabby I had to hold them up otherwise I'd suffocate and I went like a pneumatic drill as I wanted it over and done with quickly :twisted:

  3. We meet again - you were SHIT! :D
  4. Once too pity on a big lass and gave her the what for. See was an old friend of an ex and was down for one night only before going on holiday. I had a good few pints and felt that male urge to unload. She was a big girl and therefore always grateful. However, unlike most chunky women who put in the effoer, she jsut lay there. I tried my best to get her to liven up; kinky slapping and throttling but she was just cr@p. The only upside was on laying on my bed all her change fell out of her jeans so in the morning I had about a fiver in loose change. Just enough to get some sarnie, 10 fags and a drink from the Naafi.
  5. But I can improve, unless you have drastic surgery your tits will always be saggy :wink:
  6. DL - you b'stard. It was so obvious but you got there before me :lol:
  7. In my spotty faced youth before just a scant few weeks before I turned up for basic I was awaiting a bus home from work.

    Rose tinted spectacles say she was a minger so she must have been bad but I met this student lass (I use the term loosely) and in the course of a bus journey and the offer of a cigarette she was mine, oh yes she was mine.

    As the deed was duly done in the woods behind ASDA I noticed here eyes wandered a lot and she seemed very unresponsive. Part mongo, she must have been (I'm not that bad a shag-honest!). She just lay there vaguely disinterested. To then bang on about how a few days earlier she had had the best sex ever in a cinema was truly morale crushing. Never saw her again after that day.

    Thinking back though there was also the Jimmy Krankie lookalike who was a dyke, the Sennelager slapper who gave me a dose...the list goes on.

    Damn this site and topic, I'm getting flashbacks.

  8. Look, stop going off topic by pretending the guy in question was you!

    He may have been a shiote shag but he was better looking than you pair of ugly fecks
  9. I was considering deleting my previous post as I have now realised that I am a cnut for even posting it. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A BAD SHAG. Only a woman could think of a tread like this. For the male of the species, any shag which allows you to turn Japanese is a winner... well is saves cleaning up.
  10. Worst shag ever is surely no shag??
  11. Damn - you lot are hitting the send button a couple of minutes before me on all of these.
  12. None of my many female sex partners will be posting in this thread :D :D
  13. Damn you woman, I am not ugly........that accident where my face was on fire and put out with a shovel has...ahem, enhanced my masculine features :wink:

    My worst shagg must go to a student nurse from a few years ago who insisted on nearly ripping my plums whilst banging her from behind. She kept grabbing them and digging her nails in, now dragging your nails slowly and not to forcefully is OK but when you draw blood and some scrotal skin has gone, then that is too much.

    She did the same when giving me a BJ, feck was I glad to leave her room. Had to get an ambulance to pick me up and take me to A&E. Biatch also thought my VFP was a fecking doggie chew 8O
  14. RTFQ


    Hey, I'm even grateful when i have a w.ank. Sex with pretty women is admittedly dull, but it's sex with pretty women. So fatties try harder, they also smell and eat your chips when you're not looking.
  15. Murielson wrote

    I'm always quick off the mark :( :( :( Suprised I'm not on her as a nomination.