Worst cuppa in the world?

My coffee making machine is broken.

This may sound like a minor problem in comparison to, say, testicular cancer, but allow me to explain. I am deeply in love with and commited to my caffiene habit. Coffee and cigarettes are the only constants in my existence - the only things in my life that get my heart nearly beating in the morning. In fact I am working on preserving my internal organs with a combination of boiling water, alcohol and smoke - something like a kipper/lab specimen. It could work, and at least I'm enjoying myself in the mean time. But I digress:

Once I had completed the necessary ritual of shouting at it, pleading with it, crying, opening all the little doors and peering inside in broken hearted puzzlement, calling my husband to inform him that it was all his fault, hopping around the kitchen using all his best swear words, kicking the cat etc, I was forced to leave the house as I do try to be in the office on at least the right day, if not the right time. As this a was a full, code blue, sirens and screaming emergency I nipped into McDonalds for an fix on the way, shaking and sweating like Gary Glitter on parole at Disneyworld.

What was served to me can only be described in my husband's best Scots accent - "p*ss-water". How the surly bespotted brat behind the counter managed to get coffee grounds into a liquid which was most definitely something other than coffee is entirely beyond me. It was bitter, thin, lukewarm (despite being served in a heatproof cup with "CAUTION, HOT!!" emblazoned on the side) and smelled of dust and burning knicker-elastic. Vile, ghastly, horrid and all stops between. I wouldn't pour it over a tramp, no matter how foul smelling. For the first time in my short but colourful life I was delighted to make it into the office - we have a Tassimo. Or we will, until it falls into my handbag on my way out this evening.

So, arriving at my question in the most roundabout of ways - Where and when did you have your worst cuppa?
Every fucking morning at home when the wife makes a brew.

Never enough sugar, and too much milk.
6 bloody years I've been trying to teach her to make tea correctly.
I've got more chance of getting Stephen Hawkins to win Strictly Come Dancing.


Book Reviewer
Any time some cunt puts sugar in it.

Agreed. Shooting is too good for them, outrage outrage etc.

Or sweetner. If I want to take mouth-pursing chemical stimulants I'm more than capable of sorting it out on my own, thanks so very bloody much.
99% of places in Finland - Take warm water from coffee pot, pour into cup. About 10 minutes later, wave a Lipton's tea bag at it from about 3 metres. Add two sugar lumps, that are so friggin hard, they'll take about three days to dissolve. Use fat-free milk. Serve.
The so called Coffee or Tea that came out of the cookhouse, a bright orange affair made with condensed milk. Those from the 80's will remember cofftea with loving and/or affection.
Moscow, 1992. The hotel staff thought it was tea, but it was anything but. Went looking in the Hard Currency Shop, but all they had got in the way of tea bags were fruit flavoured, still, beggars can't be choosers, so we existed on fruit flavoured tea.

Once on the BA flight coming home, even their tea tasted like nectar.
Any tea made by the French. They're utterly clueless about a decent cuppa and consider some poncey crap picked from the bottoms of rats at dawn by left handed virgins on a Tibetan mountain top to be worth drinking, but can't produce something that would keep a traveler dying of thirst in the desert interested.

Never tried the Finnish version but it sounds like something the French would do.


So far a page of replies and nobody has yet mentioned the 'Tea Instant' that hit the 24hr Rat Packs around 1993 (ish), which was basically an adaptation of the QT shite we used to buy from the Colonel because we weren't allowed fridges in our four man rooms etc.

Still - I suppose from a safety point of view, it was better than the earlier days on exs - risking life and limb every time you opened one of them milk powder sachets within a five mile radius of a hexy burner. Fuck that milk was explosive. What the hell did they put in it to make it go up like that? I tried a similar thing with Coffee Mate once ...nothing.
Belgian motorway service station coffee.

All several thousand of them spread across the land serve the same stuff.

Should be offered with the following choices - milk, sugar or gun to shoot it with.

Horrible horrible stuff.
99% of places in Finland - Take warm water from coffee pot, pour into cup. About 10 minutes later, wave a Lipton's tea bag at it from about 3 metres. Add two sugar lumps, that are so friggin hard, they'll take about three days to dissolve. Use fat-free milk. Serve.
Firing squad. 06:00 hours. No blindfolds. Jump to it man.
Any brew made by Mrs H_M 1st; despite being together for 10 years, she just couldn't get it right. Her favourite tactic was to scare the water with teabag and add way too much milk - it tasted like dishwater!
Coffee: in Mexico City - utter cr*p. Apparently some of the best beans are grown in the south of the country (Chiapas and Tabasco) which tempted me to try it. What I didn't know then was that just about the whole crop is exported to Germany, leaving the rejects for Mexican consumption. Also explains why German coffee is so good.

Tea: In Sri Lanka which produces some of the finest and most sophisticated tea in the world. A restaurant I stopped at halfway between Colombo and Kandy dished it up so strong you could literally stand the spoon up in it. Had to request a pot of boiling water to dilute it, which didn't help matters very much. They also served it with boiled milk. Uurrgh!
Tea,,Just WTF has happened to the Great British Cuppa,nowadays it just tastes like weak pee,even my favourite teas (Earl Grey,Chai,Lapsang etc) all taste yucky and give no satisfaction whatsoever.Almost every brand of tea seems to come in the ubiquitous T Bag and no matter how hard you try or how many t bags you use they still taste of eff all ( If you take sugar then sweet fuck all) and you always end up with the taste of starched/bleached tissue paper that never goes away.Now what ever happened to the proper brands of leaf tea?..

Brooke Bond..
Black and Greens..
Yorkshire Tea (the original)..

I prefer my tea very strong with no sugar and very little milk and I am sorry to say that the NAAFI tea served nowadays is awful.....

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