Worst Airport in the World?

World's worst airport


  • Total voters
    14
Ah yes. Have some mighty Twotterness in Gabon (It's a trap - the airstrip isn't tarmac):

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Your first pic is everything I like about steam instruments. Just match the needles and job's a good 'un! Honest reporting with no interference from the electric thinking engine.

The noofangled gimcrackery mobile phone stylee fuckwittery requires you spend a few seconds head down trying to figure out which piece of shit is having a little whine to itself and what it's bitching about, all this while the outside situation is starting to go sideways.

They can stick their glass cockpits up their arses sideways and break them off.
 
Al Abraq, Libya, December 2014.

Had to Jump from Dubai, to Turkey, to Tunisia then sit there and wait for the politics to get us in (even though we had visas) as the country was in turmoil with the newly 'official' Government working out of the East, while everywhere else was under which ever militia ruled their little patch of land - the intel reports of recognised actors listed 30 odd groups all intertwined in some way or other, and those were just the ones big enough to be noted.

We were due to have a low key exit from the airport into Al Bayda but the local security decided to use every bell and whistle with a blue light & siren escort to the hotel. Slept with an 'alarm' on my door, a knife in my hand with the gentle pop of small arms fire every now and again. Next day had a delightful meeting with the National Bank and a bunch of Gadaffi's old henchmen to show they how 'we' could spend the EU's money to assist in the disruption of the illegal human trafficking from the Saharan borders up through to the coast.

Arrived at the airport to leave to find most of Eastern Libya there waiting to try and get on the only flight out for a week. Utter chaos, violent, I managed to sneak my kit through to airside before anyone worked out what was going on, my two colleagues had their kit stripped of anything shiny. Even though we'd been processed, we had to pay lots to ensure we were getting on that plane as they saw us as walking cash machines. We weren't fussed, it was expected but it had to be carefully managed as to the timing, how much, and to who.

Fights kicking off trying to get airside, people with AKs deciding who got through and who didn't - tickets & boarding passes were irrelevant.

Very pleased when that ******* plane took off.
And you're inviting that mindset into Europe. What fun you're going to have.
 

Gout Man

LE
Book Reviewer
London Biggin Hill International Airport.
 
I see your Kisangani and raise you Lubumbashi, Zaire. Last time I was there aircraft landed between heaps of mangled metal, the remains of arrivals that hadn’t quite made it in one piece so to speak. Customs officers that would let you wait until you were dead before releasing baggage and a good chance of being robbed by the police on the way into town.
I lived there. If you saw the two old SAAF DC3s being operated flying food around, that was us. We were working in the bush when Kabila's mob came through and our local contact got us on HF and told us not to bother going home as there was nothing left. They'd looted everything and stripped my place to the bone, even light switches and window frames ripped out. I lost everything and went back to SA with my flight bag and what I was wearing.

Local scam (apart from the engineer going to the market and buying back his tools every Saturday morning where our workers had flogged them for some extra cash) was to grab our passports after every flight, local or not. Even test flights had someone waiting when we landed who would demand to see them then grab and disappear, meaning we had to go to the terminal and buy them back from the immigration mong in his office. USD, not the shopping bags full of new Zaires required for a baguette and a bottle of Coke.

We showed them to him once but kept a firm grip, despite his efforts to grab them. Pissed him off mightily so next time we ended up with a couple of armed blokes shoving AKs up our noses until we let go. Same old story - bimble off to the terminal to buy them back from him.

The boss eventually got pissed off with the cost and went to see the immigration big cheese in town, who was most interested as he hadn't been getting his cut. We made the deal that he would be on a retainer and immigration mong would leave us alone. Cost us a lot less in the long run and immigration mong disappeared to the Zairean equivalent of Moose Turds, Alaska.
 
Lagos - computers go down when everyone is trying to escape check-in on an SAA 747 to Jo'burg. *****ng hel - like one of those mexican tag-team wrestling matches. Eventually the check-in staff jacked with the paper system and it was 'free seating' for everyone except first class. Pan-de-f*cking-monium

Cetshwayo could have learned a thing or two that night.

I made like a swastika to the boarding gate and windmilled my way to the front of cattle class - an emergency exit seat, niiice. Cape Malay bloke battled his way next to me.

Some pompous saffa bloke came up to us and demanded one of our seats because he was a 'platinum' member. Cape Malay bloke looked him squarely in the eye and said "you can f*ck off. I was here first". One of my eyebrows raised, Spock-like, in admiration. I told the the bloke where to go as well. But no. Platinum guy wasn't having that - he got the cabin crew and demanded one of our seats claiming he was a personal friend of the SAA CEO. By this time, me and my new partner in arms, or at least seats, were firmly locked into our seats of righteousness.

To cut a long story short, the 'friend of SAA's CEO' took the walk of shame to a seat at the back next to the bogs and all the loudest newborn babies from Nigeria.
Platinum on SAA and a friend of the CEO? You should have stabbed him in the face.
 

Dafty duck

On ROPS
On ROPs
Cairo airport, absolute ******* toilet, literally.

Got off the plane bursting for a shite for I had a case of mummy's tummy, much shuffling trying to find a toilet, I eventually find one where there is a small smiling woman selling toilet paper by the square outside the door. Not having time to fumble for change I scoot past her, determined that I'm going to slam my arse down on some porcelain beauty and let loose. On entering the toilet it becomes apparent there is some problem, a small crowd of Western looking people are milling around with various looks of horror on their face, a small boy is crying, I soon realise why. There are a series of squat toilets, no doors and shit is everywhere, absolutely fecking everywhere. Up the walls, on the floor, all over the traps and I kid you not, on the ceiling. The stench was eye watering, the small boy is clutching his dad's legs howling over and over "I can't". Neither can I buddy. My sphincter finds hitherto unknown reserves of strength and clamps shut tighter than a pair of leggings round a fat girls thighs. The Egyptian wifey is still smiling and doing a roaring trade as I shuffle towards the exit, bitch.

Thankfully the coach I was boarding had a toilet on board, one of those wardrobe type affairs, was in there like a flash and emptied a good 6 litres (there was so much it became a two phase operation) of rancid smelling effluent, I was so happy and proud, I rewarded my hoop with a baby wipe polish. The other passengers on the coach didn't seem best impressed by my efforts.

All of the above plus the fact the place was generally filthy, crowded, had shit food/coffee and had no queuing system for boarding aircraft seals the deal for me.
 
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philc

LE
Can I give a quick shout out to Kai Tak in Hong Kong. There was nothing wrong with the terminal but it was a challenging experience for the driver and could be a surprise to passengers who looked out of the windows.

Brize Norton is crap and South Cerney must be the crapest ‘terminal’ in the civilised world. Its a pity they’re not corrupt because I’d happily pay for better service.
The object of the exercise when sailing out of Tamar on patrol was to sail under the airport approach and clip the under carriage of landing jets with the mast , of course we never got close but it was fun and noisy.
 
Yup. Had to be a bit catfoot going out of Seletar in the Herc for that reason. Stick monkey would keep a lookout for ships passing in the Johor channel and clear take offs between floating obstacles.
 

g4eddie

Old-Salt
I would agree with Lagos but would add Kisangani, Zaire. You had to run the aircraft to secure a seat, once all seats were full, including some of the largest women ever seen squeezed into 18 inches of airline seat,pigs and chickens secured in overhead compartments, the door was closed and take off attempted.
Sounds much like a flight i had to "catch" from Bakina Fasao back in 1992 - except we had goats in the racks and some local decided to get out his brazier at 30k and start cooking on the aeroplane floor...
 

O Zangado

War Hero
I liked all these countries, more or less, but shudder at the memory of the airports.

3) Abidjan, Ivory Coast, a sh*thole in French.
2) Honiara, Solomon Islands, a world class sh*hole.

but the winner, by a country mile,

1) Beira, Mozambique, a stinking, sweaty, ramshackle sh*thole I swear you can smell from 25,000 ft.

OZ
 
Flying flood relief out of Beira, we'd head to the airport around 5am every morning and see hundreds of heads poking out of the long grass just outside town. The sewers were fucked and not working so the morning dump required a trek into the shateen and a quick squat. The stench was a dead giveaway.

Humidity was close to 100%, and the walk from the terminal to the aircraft left you soaked in sweat, so we flew in shorts and t-shirt. Still ended up soaked and developed a nasty crotch rot to boot. Evenings in the hotel were spent with the bed pushed under the aircon, nekkid and with legs apart, propped against the wall to put out the fire in my balls.

Have to say, it was the only time I've been overtaken by a helicopter. The cloud base was low so we'd stay visual, around 400'-500' AGL, just above the forest canopy. Heading back to Beira from Caia where we'd just dropped a load, a Bell 412 full of journalists passed us, despite having the Dak running at a fairly high and thirsty power setting. Gave a good indication of just how slow the thing is. Inter and transcontinental ops must have been a bloody nightmare.
 

Tuffty

War Hero
Well I would put the departure lounge in Brize on the list (I told my wife that I was in the departure lounge and she asked if I could get any duty free, how I laughed). As for commercial Airports, Belize International Airport ranks as the worst i have visited so far (2017).
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
South Cerney must be the crapest ‘terminal’ in the civilised world
South Cerney used to be a charming little RAF place where their food was excellent. We were learning to jump into and out of choppers which came from Little Rissington while the camp itself had two Ansons. I doubt now but we used to be able to walk down the village to an old pub and buy scrumpy which was only pennies (old ones) per pint.
I assume it's now gone civilian.
 
Havana
on the plus side the female staff were of the view that fishnets and figure hugging tops were the way to go.
getting in wasnt too bad. Getting out it was mind numbing admin push. Locals with exit flight tickets were particularly singled out to muck about.
lady in front of me completed her boarding card in blue ink rather than black ( or the other way round) it was torn in half in front of her, sent out the line to the back and to complete the card again.
she shrugged, picked up her kit and turned to head to the back.
i loaned her my pen, and let her back in front of me and was rewarded with a wonderful winning smile.
did I mention she had a gorgeous arse.

corfu, it’s shit

Pula it’s shit, lots of old migs lying around in the 1980s And staff who really couldnt give a shit even by airport standards.

any where in Vietnam, being awkward just because they can which was at total odds with our experience of the rest of the country
Agree Havana was a strange one. Agree the ladies were wearing very short skirts and stockings but the security was mad. On leaving . Trip with 3 families. So each of us had to wait, walk into a customs booth, only one at a time. Photo and finger print . Check the passport and ticket . OK . Well not all , one of our friends had bought a couple paintings. Oil on canvas for about 10 quid. They also x-ray you case as you go intothe passport booth. We are all waiting and our friends get taken away , escorted by two policemen.
After about 1/2 an hour they turn up. Had to pay some stupid amount for the paintings . In US dollars of course.
Found Cuba to be a real shite hole . Do not go there.
 
Flying flood relief out of Beira, we'd head to the airport around 5am every morning and see hundreds of heads poking out of the long grass just outside town. The sewers were fucked and not working so the morning dump required a trek into the shateen and a quick squat. The stench was a dead giveaway.

Humidity was close to 100%, and the walk from the terminal to the aircraft left you soaked in sweat, so we flew in shorts and t-shirt. Still ended up soaked and developed a nasty crotch rot to boot. Evenings in the hotel were spent with the bed pushed under the aircon, nekkid and with legs apart, propped against the wall to put out the fire in my balls.

Have to say, it was the only time I've been overtaken by a helicopter. The cloud base was low so we'd stay visual, around 400'-500' AGL, just above the forest canopy. Heading back to Beira from Caia where we'd just dropped a load, a Bell 412 full of journalists passed us, despite having the Dak running at a fairly high and thirsty power setting. Gave a good indication of just how slow the thing is. Inter and transcontinental ops must have been a bloody nightmare.
Used to like Beira back in the day, on the beach few beers and peri peri prawns.
 
Tashkent in Uzbekistan is, without a doubt, the worst airport I have ever had the misfortune to refuel in.
We were on the ground for a good 45 minutes before the designated interpreter rolled up - in fishnet stockings, thigh high white leather boots and the same for the mini skirt. I remember thinking WTF???
Standard rig in Cuba but worn as a uniform, badges and all. If there was a GIRNGNEWY (Grandmothers I’d Rather Not Go Near Even With Yours) thread.....

Your worst nightmare is getting pinged for a random check by Port Health.
 
Flying flood relief out of Beira, we'd head to the airport around 5am every morning and see hundreds of heads poking out of the long grass just outside town. The sewers were fucked and not working so the morning dump required a trek into the shateen and a quick squat. The stench was a dead giveaway.

Humidity was close to 100%, and the walk from the terminal to the aircraft left you soaked in sweat, so we flew in shorts and t-shirt. Still ended up soaked and developed a nasty crotch rot to boot. Evenings in the hotel were spent with the bed pushed under the aircon, nekkid and with legs apart, propped against the wall to put out the fire in my balls.

Have to say, it was the only time I've been overtaken by a helicopter. The cloud base was low so we'd stay visual, around 400'-500' AGL, just above the forest canopy. Heading back to Beira from Caia where we'd just dropped a load, a Bell 412 full of journalists passed us, despite having the Dak running at a fairly high and thirsty power setting. Gave a good indication of just how slow the thing is. Inter and transcontinental ops must have been a bloody nightmare.
I share your pain. Sometimes the hostie puts a touch too much sugar in my tea or the FO asks if we can adjust the temperature.

Seriously though, hats off to you.
 
Used to like Beira back in the day, on the beach few beers and peri peri prawns.
Yup, Bique's Bar was a great place. Cold beer, ameijoa and sit around the tree going through the roof getting pissed with a bunch of loony Rhodies.

Good times...
 
I share your pain. Sometimes the hostie puts a touch too much sugar in my tea or the FO asks if we can adjust the temperature.

Seriously though, hats off to you.
Crunt! :mrgreen:
 
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