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Worst Airport in the World?

World's worst airport


  • Total voters
    27
Advertising and self-marketing smooths your passage through an American airport,.......allegedly.

They lurve their military - "thank you for your service" - and they pander to them, also the police too. Most septic servicemen travel in uniform as it generally gets them quicker service through the queues - "this way to the crew/first class security line". I see loadsa people milling around airports in uniform, or simply carrying a blatant duty/issue daysack, some just wear polo shirts with their military unit affiliation embroidered on the left tit, travelling plod tend to wear a polo shirt with their sheriff/PD logo on the left tit.

I travel wearing jeans, or chinos, and a blazer, I have a set of US para wings on the lapel (yes I was presented with them), or sometimes I wear one of the two US plod polo shirts I was given - when one was given to me the bloke actually said, "that'll get you through security quicker on your way back to the UK". On the way thorugh TSA generally give me the nod, ask me if I have served and then wave me to the first class/crew security check, a couple of times American Airlines have even let me board early too.

Unbelievably, I was on holiday in the Youessofay and wearing the ARRSE Purple Forces polo shirt from the campaign years back which has a prominent Union Jack on it. Standing in the queue minding my own business, a security bod asked what the shirt was, so I explained. He was ex forces and that was it, this way Sir, bring your family with you and whoosh, head of the queue and thank you for your service.

Edit to add, it’d probably be seen as a war crime here, particularly in an airport that may or may not have been mentioned often and recently which may or may not have a particularly pronounced feature in it’s population demographic locally.
 
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Oyibo

LE
Split and Accra added. (I actually liked Accra. Never done Split -fnarr fnarr)
 

Oyibo

LE
I'm going to take an early punt at this and say that Luton is shitter than any African airport
 
Boarding pax in EBB during the hajj, a huge wobbling heap of lard (looking like she's just eaten the Flabbotopotamus) comes waddling out with a tiny airport porter in tow pushing a trolley with a couple of huge parcels on it. 240kg worth of huge parcels to be precise, including a washing machine.

Shows boarding pass and starts directing little bloke to load the stuff on the aircraft. I leap out and stop her and get a mouthful of abuse as this is apparently all cabin baggage. Of course, none of it on the weight and balance manifest (it's an F27 operating hot and high, so we need to pay attention) so I direct her to go get it checked in. Lots of screaming and more abuse. turns out she did check it in but they dared to try to charge her an excess baggage fee for it, whereupon it miraculously transformed to cabin baggage, which the check in clerk just shrugged through. Station manager gets called, lots of screaming and fainting in coils by the now heavily sweating beast, culminating in her grudgingly coughing up a token USD100 for excess baggage and the load added to the W&B docs.

I'm pretty sure the docs were falsified for the most part as well (common when working for NGOs) as some of the stuff loaded was well within limits on paper, but the aircraft was a bloody slug getting airborne. The herd of potential heart attacks in the passenger cabin did nothing to improve performance.
 
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OneTenner

LE
Book Reviewer
Reminds me of some of the 'local' flights we were involved in to countries around Afghan, as usual, Dip. clearances were gained, flight paths cleared etc. etc. these flights were usually to drop off or pick up 'stuff' that couldn't be flown directly to theatre for whatever reason and were pretty much planned a few weeks in advance. One flight was tasked with a two-hop trip, which was unusual and required extra clearances and 'spare' passports.
First leg went OK, collected kit, refuelled and got underway on the second leg, landed at second stop but was immediately met by a 'follow me' that guided us to a completely different part of the airport than ATC had told us we'd be going to...
There were three or four local mil. on the pan (which wasn't unusual for visiting mil aircraft, especially ones 'armed' with DAS) A mini-bus escorted by another mini-bus but with a blue light atop arrived followed shortly by the refuelling tanker, the self-loading cargo from the first mini-bus got on board with their 'stuff', followed by a foppishly dressed local with the largest moustache i've ever seen and an AK-74 casually hanging round his neck who insisted on speaking too 'theeee Kapitaaaan' another shady local casually sauntered up the steps and started eyeballing everything he could.
Anyway, it turned out that the fuel that was being loaded could not be paid for on the 'company' card and the 'company' account was on stop due to some accounting issue....
They were demanding cash dollars for the fuel together with a 'handling fee', otherwise the aircraft would not be permitted to leave...
At this point the loadie chirped up 'OK, who's for a brew? - which was a suprise for two reasons a) he didn't drink tea or coffee and b) there was no tea or coffee... So off he pops up the the flight deck, for about six or seven minutes then comes back down with 'sorry chaps, the kettles broke....' with a sly wink.
Meanwhile, these two locals are getting a bit sweaty and chopsy at the lack of progress, depite 'theeee Kapitaaaan' pointing out that even a whip-round and a visit to a couple of cashpoints is unlikely to yield the sort of cash they're demanding, so there's an increacingly fractious stalemate with the 'guards' on the pan getting hotter, sweatier and closer.... after about another half hour, a blue LandRover arrives in a cloud of dust, followed by another two LandRovers, a tall, obviously 'Englishman abroad' gets out of the blue one and strides towards the aircraft, the 'guards' being swatted away by a couple of the blokes from the other LandRovers - turns out he's from the British Embassy, he effectively walks through the two locals on the airframe and 'tells' the pilot to ignore these two bandits and get on to ATC for clearance, he turns round, shoos the locals off the aircraft, waving them away like sheep....
Turns out the Loadie had the presence of mind to go up to the flight deck to 'make a brew' so he could use the satphone to call Ascot Ops. and set in motion the events above!
It wasn't exactly twitchy-bum time but there were various scenarios going through my mind, none of them acceptable - we later found out this was a common occurence at this airport, although usually Civ. aircraft were their targets, the local police did nothing, probably being in on it, we never found out if the Mil. looking chaps were gen or not, personally I think they were but who knows?
 
@Toastie and others. This stuff needs compiling into a book. I dunno, you could call it Chogs Away!

post-1138465636.jpg
 
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Boarding pax in EBB during the hajj, a huge wobbling heap of lard (looking like she's just eaten the Flabbotopotamus) comes waddling out with a tiny airport porter in tow pushing a trolley with a couple of huge parcels on it. 240kg worth of huge parcels to be precise, including a washing machine.

Shows boarding pass and starts directing little bloke to load the stuff on the aircraft. I leap out and stop her and get a mouthful of abuse as this is apparently all cabin baggage. Of course, none of it on the weight and balance manifest (it's an F27 operating hot and high, so we need to pay attention) so I direct her to go get it checked in. Lots of screaming and more abuse. turns out she did check it in but they dared to try to charge her an excess baggage fee for it, whereupon it miraculously transformed to cabin baggage, which the check in clerk just shrugged through. Station manager gets called, lots of screaming and fainting in coils by the now heavily sweating beast, culminating in her grudgingly coughing up a token USD100 for excess baggage and the load added to the W&B docs.

I'm pretty sure the docs were falsified for the most part as well (common when working for NGOs) as some of the stuff loaded was well within limits but the aircraft was a bloody slug getting airborne. The herd of potential heart attacks in the passenger cabin did nothing to improve performance.

Yeah, odd that. Hajj flights out of Jeddah, the docs always come out at 186,879kg for a max take off mass of 186,880 on a 767-300. Standard bag and pax weights. OK, Indonesians weigh in some way under standard pax weights but not enough to offset the Ikea style shopping bag loads of plastic crap and saucepans the chaps were cleaning out from the souks. Don’t even mention the 25 litre cans of zamzam water stacked to the roof in Hold 5, right at the Arrse end.

Never could work out why with the engines at the Balls Out end of the power settings we were still only getting airborne by virtue of the curvature of the earth on a 40C day out of Jeddah......
 
Christ, this is like a compendium of “I learnt about flying from that”!
 
Another feature of Accra was the ”modular housing”out in the scrub on the margins of the airport.

This wasn’t you’re post war prefab stuff or even your woke converted shipping container stuff.

It was the baggage cans nicked from the bag sort compound.

 
I'm so glad I didn't go into bus driving ( even before covid)
As an aside my old firm has a young bloke just started driving for them Ex fly be right hand seater.
 
It's what made me the grumpy, frightened cunt I am today.
Amen.

I‘m not in the same league on the fear front so 2/3 ain’t bad.
 
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Amazingly enough , Frankfurt. In the past I always had a stopover from another flight so was in the departures so only had to walk about 2 Kms from my arrival gate to my departure gate.

Flew out today after driving there in a hire car.

1. 1Km walk from the hire car drop off to departure area 1.

2. No thats not departure area 1 it’s the 1st level for the train station.

3. I understand German but the German and English signs were most unhelpful.

4. Ticket says departing from Area 1 sub area A.

5. Get to area A after a 20 min walkabout. Still got my hold luggage , WTF do I check it in. Walking up to security at area A. Man in a uniform just points behind me and waves .

6. Walk in the indicated direction and find the drop off. Closed , hour waiting to drop off the case.

Shite airport.
 
Debbie? The worst Debbie is the client's Debbie. Everyone likes a trip the client is paying for, which puts you off guard from the beginning. A while ago I was invited to SFO by a very rich American company that can find stuff on the internets, so I could meet the guy in charge of the county thinky wiggly amp sheds. They're paying. Great! I say yes.

I get an email from their Debbie (possibly RoboDebbie knowing them). Do you want to fly Virgin direct in nice class or some bunch of septics via Dallas in less nice? Obvious answer is obvious.

Nice flight on brand new 787. Internet findy bod finds me at the airport. In car, just getting into the city, I get a call from my boss. Where are you? In the internet findy thing car, heading for the county amp sheds guy. Why aren't you there already? I just got out of the airport. Airport? It's where the plane landed. ..

Silence (Women, eh)

So you mean findy thing Debbie booked you on a flight that arrived during your first meeting?

Yes, that's what she's done.

All together: DEBBIE!!!!
 

ACAB

LE
Rather concisely our 'Debbie' housed us in the cheapest possible hotel when I was serving in Special Branch. A quick scatch at the immigrants and druggies lining the corridors confirmed that it was not for us.
 
Yeah, odd that. Hajj flights out of Jeddah, the docs always come out at 186,879kg for a max take off mass of 186,880 on a 767-300. Standard bag and pax weights. OK, Indonesians weigh in some way under standard pax weights but not enough to offset the Ikea style shopping bag loads of plastic crap and saucepans the chaps were cleaning out from the souks. Don’t even mention the 25 litre cans of zamzam water stacked to the roof in Hold 5, right at the Arrse end.

Never could work out why with the engines at the Balls Out end of the power settings we were still only getting airborne by virtue of the curvature of the earth on a 40C day out of Jeddah......

See, I remember back in the 60's, when I first started flying around to places, following the old man around the empire as it was shrinking in size at a rate of knots, that you as a pax were weighed at the airport.

You had your luggage weighed and then you were weighed. Nowadays it is a free for all with lardy b'stards who should be marked down as freight taking huge suitcases onboard as "hand luggage".
 

Oyibo

LE
See, I remember back in the 60's, when I first started flying around to places, following the old man around the empire as it was shrinking in size at a rate of knots, that you as a pax were weighed at the airport.

You had your luggage weighed and then you were weighed. Nowadays it is a free for all with lardy b'stards who should be marked down as freight taking huge suitcases onboard as "hand luggage".

The idea was mooted not many years ago. Needless to say, it was shouted down.

But oh how I wish it were in place. The number of times I have sat next to a lard-filled semi-permeable membrane spilling over armrests beggars belief.

Get everyone on the scales.
 
Rather concisely our 'Debbie' housed us in the cheapest possible hotel when I was serving in Special Branch. A quick scatch at the immigrants and druggies lining the corridors confirmed that it was not for us.
What on Earth were you doing in Stockport?
 

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