Work Poo!

FFS! Why do people have such a problem with office toilet etiquette? It’s not difficult!

I settle down for my mid morning deposit in one of two cubicles looking forward to 10 mins of peace and satisfaction. The toilet door opens, then the cubicle door next to me slams shut; this is followed by a rendition of the arrse version of The Imperial March and a hail of shoite!

Why must this happen? I dont want to hear you! There are two cubicles, with a thin partition, just fcuk off and come back in 10 or go to a different toilet! It’s embarrassing for both parties!


The following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work, share it, word might just get around!

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. (yep..guilty)

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Not to forget the PAPER TRAIL -- laying 5 or 6 sheets on top of the water, to minimise splash back and noise in case of a WATERMELON or HAVANAOMELET.

"Sometimes I sit and think, and sometimes I just sit."
Stop moaning. At least you can go fcuking go. I've been blocked for the past few days and am in agony. Count yourself lucky ungrateful w4nker.


I find that the more importnt the staff in the office, the noisier the shits are!

The bastard who left half his shoit clinging to the side and back of the shitter.

Poor bastard who follows is (if a civvy) somehow afraid of bearing his arrse to someone elses shoit?

Why is it going to jump up and bite?

Still I think its worse for the poor blooddy cleaners.
I agree Galileo, but you forgot to mention the tw4ts that go for the mid morning download but are in too much of a hurry to carry out the correct drill 'dont rush, flush then brush'.
Few things in life can ruin your day more than feeling a decent turd building up then going to your favourite trap, finding the whole facility empty but then to your horror you discover that someone has left a good percentage of thier last meal splattered down the porcelain! Makes my blood boil.


Book Reviewer
For gods sake guys. Act like MEN. Take a seat, pinch one off, wipe, flush and appreciate the aroma. For best results, get lashed on Stella the night before and have a nice lamb passanda for supper with egg pilau rice and a keema naan.

As long as you leave not skids on the pan its all good.
Anyone know if the Deutche toiletten still have the platform bogs? - one huge log and as you curl one out one tends to get a brown chalk-mark down the back of your sack as it flips down onto the ledge...
FFS people, I can't believe what I'm reading, what are we coming to? is this a squaddie forum or not?

Having a dump is an event, if necessary, share & be proud.

I personally take great pleasure in dumping on the firms time audience or not.

The oldest motto rules:

If in doubt, let it out!!

You'll be telling me next you take wet wipes with you :x

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