Wonder Machine

Discussion in 'Blue Jokes' started by Davetheclown, Jul 10, 2013.

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  1. One day, a man was complaining to his friend about how much his elbow ached and that he was thinking of seeing a doctor. His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the local shopping centre that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00!”

    The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing and, after a brief pause, popped out a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks…….

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. So, he decided to give it a try – He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

    Then, he went back to the store and located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

    I stole this of the internets, ​
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  2. A bloke was waiting one night for a train when he notices a strange machine on the platform that he has never seen before.

    Out of curiosity he goes over to check it out and discovered it's a fortune telling machine.

    Not being one to believe in fairy tales, but bored nonetheless, he decides to give it a go for a laugh.

    He inserts the coin, the machine flashes and out pops a slip of paper. The bloke picks it up and it reads: "You will piss".

    Scrunching up the paper, he laughs and throws it away thinking that he had no urge to take a squirt at all. The next thing he knows there's a sudden short unexpected 'squit' in his pants.

    Shocked and alarmed, he thinks to himself 'no bloody way', and goes back over to the machine to see what else it might predict.

    In go the coins, out pops the paper. "You will fart" it reads. Once again the fella feels no need of a fart so tosses another scrunched up 'fortune' onto the empty platform.

    All of a sudden, "BRRRARRP!" He lets go a screamer! Now he is totally astounded, and runs excitedly back to shovel more coins into the wondrous machine.

    "You will fuck" said the fortune. He looks up and down the platform, but being so late, the platform is deserted.

    "I guess it's third time unlucky" he mumbles to himself as he again throws away the 'fortune'.

    Just then, a gorgeous blonde comes down the lift to the platform, walks up to him, and tells how her husband has been found out being unfaithful and she has vowed revenge by having it away with the first man she sees.

    "Well lucky me!" he grins as they go into the public toilets and get stuck into it.

    They get dressed and go back out to the platform. She goes her way, and he goes back to the machine to excitedly shovel in some more coins to see what happens next. Out pops the 'fortune' which reads:

    "While you've been pissing farting and fucking about, you've missed your bloody train!"
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