Women - Know your limits...

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by LBdr_Pigshagger, Aug 15, 2007.

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  1. :evil: Sorry for the rant and I usually don't consider myself to be sexist but women at cashpoint machines?


    Approach. Card in. "BLIP BLIP BLIP BLIP" Cash (No Receipt) "BRRRRRRRRRRRRR" Wedge. Pub. All done in about two seconds.


    Approach. Fumble about in handbag. Find card. Insert card. Wrong Card. Fumble in handbag. Insert card. Please Enter PIN. Thinks. Thinks. Enters PIN. Please enter correct PIN. Enters PIN. Request Mini-Statement. Request receipt for mini-statement. Top up mobile. Request receipt for mobile top-up. Request cash (With receipt) This machine does not hold £5.00 notes. Ejects card. Re-enters card. Please enter PIN.....

    Repeat until battered to death by the bloke behind you who justs wants a f*cking score for a drink....

  2. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Same at supermarket checkpoints, but even worse at filling stations.
    Stop car. get out. Get back in, move car 12 ft so that actually in same area as pump. Stop car. get out. Lock door. Open door and get handbag out. Then put it back. Fiddle with fuel filler cap, for 2.5 mins until it falls off. Dither over which bloody fuel to use, then finally decide. Spend 40 seconds working out which way to put nozzle in, then begin filling, stopping every 15 seconds, until car is full. Put nozzle back. Pick it up from where it has slipped and spilled. Spend 5 'king years trying to put fuel cap back on wrong way, until finally the old,fat hairy bloke in car behind does it for you!
    Pay for petrol, but do spend a lifetime finding purse and cards. Eventually, when all life on Earth has died, get in car and spend the rest of eternity adjusting seat, seatbelt ( must be put on and taken off at least 3 times). Do make up, artfully brush hair, get out of car and retrieve handbag from roof of car. get back in. get out and take keys out of fuel filler cap. repeat all sodding bloody cabin movements again, start car. Stall car, re-start and drive off, with the satisfaction that you have given me heartburn and a stroke!
  3. Car parking machines; walk up to machine, read what it says and then a search through the handbag for the purse, we finally find our purse and then spend another two minutes looking to see if we have the right change.
    We then spend a further two minutes string it out while they slowly put the money in and read the costing on the machine after every coin goes in.
    Why do I always end up behind the same silly cow every morning to witness this right of woman hood?
    It makes me want to.....AAAAHHHHHGGGGGG!
  4. that explains my beard - I'm just TOO clever :twisted:
  5. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    Leaving the house.

    Man: Get keys, fags, walk out, get in car, start car, wait.

    Woman: Shower, change, do make-up, hair, nails, smellies, check kitchen, find fags, look for shopping list, phone mother, find handbag, empty handbag, put stuff back in, do lipstick . . .

    Man: Stop engine, sigh, look angrily at open door using wing-mirror, turn stereo on.

    Woman: double check bag, find coat, find brollie (120deg. outside and rising), check for mobile walk to front door, go through . . .

    Man: Start engine.

    Woman: Goes back inside becuase she's forgotten keys, finds tissues for handbag, re-finds shopping list, puts in bag . . .

    Man: Swears, stops engine, puts tunes on, blows horn

    Woman: Comes back out through front door, closes it, checks handbag, can't find keys to double-lock door, looks wistfully (read stupidly) at man.

    Man: swears louder, exhales deeply, stops engine, winds down window, holds hand outside with car/house keys, waits.

    Woman: Tuts at man from front door, gives filthy look, walks sullenly to car window, snatches keys, goes and locks front door, comes back past driver's window WITH keys, keeps hold of them, walks around front of car and gets in passenger seat, leaving door open.

    Man: Exlaims "give me the facking car keys!"

    Woman: Hands car keys over and exclaims "What's got into you, I cna go on my own you know!"

    Man: Starts car, shuts up, put tunes on, handbreak off.

    Woman: Exclaims "stop the car, I've forgotten [insert any of 2,529 random itmes)"

    Man: Something goes 'pop' behind right ear, sees red, stops car, reverses back on drive, parks, stops engine, gets out, goes to front door, opens it, through house, opens back door, goes to shed, gets shovel, closes shed, goes back through house, into kitchen, gets roll of bin-liners and sponge, goes back through front door, leaves it ajar . . .
  6. Nights out - forget the actually getting ready bit, thats just a cliche. My girlfriend's the worst for that last 20 minutes looking for phone, keys, bag, lip gloss, headache pills (so she has a valid prop for when she claims she has said headache in 4 hours time), followed by the "are you driving? I dont mind driving. you sure you dont mind, sure you dont want a drink, maybe we should get a taxi, oh damn but you'll have to go to the bank because I emptied your wallet when you weren't looking. Have you got enough cigarettes, because I dont want to carry any, oh but I hate your LS's, cant we just smoke my - insert low tar, menthol, zero effect brand here - ", then the discussion as to whether high heels are a good idea, maybe she should go with flat shoes, but um, doesnt go with her scarf.

    Solution - while she spends an hour turning the bathroom into a poofs playground, get her keys, phone, lipgloss, forget the headache pills, purse, handbag, pick her shoes, call the taxi and then physically drag her from the property. Never have a mirror by the front door - I discovered its fatal.
  7. The current Mrs Bat_Crab spends far too long getting ready to go anywhere and gets upset when I leave the house and start the car.

    Apparently I'm supposed to be inside the house telepathically pre-empting her next move so I can present her with the correct handbag, her keys, her 'phone, the pile of mail she wants to post and her umbrella (regardless of the weather).
  8. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    You all forgot to insert in your pieces ; go to toilet. go to toilet. go to toilet yet again. Four times before going out the 'king door! And once outside, if for any reason you have to wait, like for example, the petrol in car has gone past it's life because of the time you have waited, then she has to go back inside to bog yet again. And wherever you are going, even if it just half a mile away, have to go to bog as soon as you arrive! Christ on a bloody crutch. I'm near dead with a prostate that has left home, gone on holiday and lost it's passport, but I can go 10 mins without having to p1ss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  9. Logic circuit diagram of a bloke;

    Info - [​IMG] - Reaction

    Logic circuit diagram of a female;

    Info - [​IMG] - repeat x 230,000,000 times - Reaction (If youre lucky)
  10. On the subject of petrol, remember that no woman is allowed to let the fuel in the car's tank go below 1/2 before re-filling. If the fuel light comes on, she will pull over immediately and call the AA, even of there is a petrol station within 20 miles.
  11. Women are always bleating on about being able to 'multitask', but my personal theory is that this ability has only evolved due to their compete refusal to make their bloody minds up about anything.

    They can’t decide on one thing to do, so lets do five instead.

  12. "How do you write women so well?"

    "I think of a man and take away reason and accountability"

    (from As Good As It Gets)
  13. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    I believe that there are three new books coming out. Two by Richard Dawkins (him of The Selfish Gene, The God Delusion et al. fame). and one from Steven Hawking. Both of them are turning their attentions to unraveling the mysteries of the female mind (for men of course).

    By Richard Dawkins: "Hormonal Improbabilities” and “The Mandelbrot Delusion – A Female Perspective"

    By Stephen Hawking: "A Brief History of Lunacy"

    Edited to add: er, sorry, it's actually going to be called "A LOOOONG History of Lunacy". My mishtake.
  14. Don't forget the training/ instructions for new phone / other expensive piece of tat.

    Stage 1. Presentation of boxed new model must have shiny phone. Exclamation of joy. Spend three minutes turning over and around and upside down before finding where to open box. Futile scrabble at security seal before thrusting slightly grumpily at bloke with (slightly terse) 'you open it then'.

    Stage 2. Presentation of unboxed thing. Play with flip/slide function before remembering that battery need attaching. Pass back to bloke. Ignore advice that batts need charging for 12 hrs before use or they die. Find own phone. Scrabble ineffectively at back cover before thrusting grumpily at bloke with (terse) 'you open it then'.

    Stage 3. Presentation of assembled phone. Accessories, manual etc shoved back into box as 'too complicated'. Master 'press and hold' to turn on phone. Demand explanation of every function on phone while pressing buttons at random, and religiously not pressing the buttons indicated by instructor. Insist on putting old ringtone on new phone, ignoring that it won't work as new phone is from different manufacturer. Try EVERY BLOODY ringtone at full volume. Complain that phone has gone blank. Connect to charger as battery flatter than roadkill. Complain that new phone won't fit old charger. Attempt to text best mate. Angrily thrust phone at instructor with demand that he walk her through the process. Get progressively more annoyed as the mind bogglingly simple process is explained. Flounce out of room in sulk announcing that you were happy with your old phone. Attempt to turn on PC....

    There's bald lads in orange robes with less restraint.