Women - Know your limits!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by fish-head, Aug 30, 2005.

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  1. Tomorrow is father's birthday, his 80th no less. Now the old b'stard is ok, although my mother thinks otherwise, but I am happy he's reached such a ripe old age and become the personification of Victor Meldrew in the process. So at the weekend I got him some suitable gift, whisky close on his age that I can help him consume, after all what else do you get a grumpy old Scottish git? The woman creature and I are looking for a suitable card in the shops on Sunday, preferable something espousing the glories of the great Glasgow Rangers, and the wife decides she has had enough and wants to go home, fine thinks me. The chavs appear to have woken up by this point and the great unwashed are starting to spew forth into Scotland’s finest city, so late afternoon.

    “I’ll pick one up tomorrow or Tuesday, since I am off work” says Mrs Fish.
    “Great” says I.

    So Monday comes and goes…
    “No worries, I’ll get one tomorrow”, says she.

    So lunchtime today, I phone, no answer. Now as any self-respecting bloke knows, if the bint has the phone in her handbag, it might as well be buried under four tonnes of concrete. So thinking on my feet like the good sailor I am, I send a text.

    ‘Have you got the card yet?’ Buzz buzz beep. Text sent.

    Low and behold, tens minutes later, my phone makes a wee beep and I check for the message, hoping it is from some gorgeous babe, but no it was her replying.

    ‘Yes’. Not: sort of, or kind of, but a simple YES!

    Happy with the situation I go back to not worrying about whatever I am supposed to be worrying about all day.

    I get home, amuse myself by throwing the fishlette about the room and generally causing a suitable amount of chaos. All good.

    I look up to see Mrs Fish taking the uisge beatha from the shelf, above fishlette height, and starting to wrap it. How can any trained observer fail to note that the silly bint was using packing tape!

    “What the bloody hell are you using that for?” says me, just managing not to deliver the kind of bollocking that would bring a tear to the eye of my old gunnery instructor.

    “I couldn’t find any sellotape”, she is looking worried, the kind of look a spaniel has once it has run in, and before you beat it around the head with a passing stick.

    “Oh for fcks sake I’ll get some later”. Well done thinks the fish, you stayed calm.

    Then the penny starts to drop. “Where’s the card you bought?”
    “Oh I didn’t buy one, I just took one from my box of cards”


    Now unlike a spaniel, women don’t always seem to know when the have done wrong, not enough rubbing noses in shite I reckon.

    Having had enough of her pish, I grab my rifle and head out to the local range to get out her space. Now you would think that being grumpy and pissed off would have a detrimental effect on my plinking, do you know I shot, the best card of m life.

    The moral of this story? Women are shite when it comes to buying cards for your old man.
  2. I blame the parents, YOURS! You lazy good for nothing stinky big eared git!
    Next time you need a job doing don't delegate to the lower ranks and do it yourself!
    Should have thrown you away and kept the afterbirth. Bloody waste of space!

    Beebs :)

    Oh and Happy Birthday to the Old Man Fish! x

    PS this is not a rant I just want Fish to feel at home.....HENPECKED!
  3. There are there to delegate to, that's the point!!!
  4. Gosh Fishy, have you been taking brave tablets? I bet you don't show Mrs Fishy that remark.
  5. Rod924

    Rod924 LE Reviewer

    She was no doubt multi-tasking. I would imagine it is quite difficult texting anything readable whilst being DP'd by her two male friends 8O

    Many Congrats to yer Pa BTW
  6. Here pal, send him this, courtesy of my bro.

    BTW - I'm a non kissball fan, so no abuse required.

    Edited to explain a couple of things:

    The guy in the picture is called Ricksen, he plays for Rangers
    Their new away strip looks uncannily like the England strip (no self respecting Scotsman would wear one of those)
    Hope yer dad enjoys this and his 80th!!