Women in the field???

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Corporal, Dec 10, 2004.

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  1. Me and the rest of the guys from my platoon are out on a field exercise. If you call lying down in a ditch among wet grass, weeds and blackberry bushes exercise.

    To make it worse we’ve been saddled with a bunch of girls.

    No, I don’t mean pansies, I mean your actual female. Women. A dozen or more of them from a transport battalion. Been assigned to us for the week to get a feel for ‘real’ soldiering. Got rifles and everything.

    They had been champing at the bit to start with. Out in the field with a bunch of hard core Marines. That was back at the barracks anyway.

    Now the stark reality of how we spend alot of our days is beginning to sink in. They’re p*ssing and moaning like you wouldn’t believe. It’s cold, it’s wet, my hairs a mess, my make-ups ruined. F*ck me, who’d want to go war with this bunch?

    The Sargeants had already been up and down the line telling everyone to be quiet. We’re supposed to be lying here on a watch, as a prelude to an ambush, on a column of enemy troops. They must have got lost, we’ve been here for f*cking hours.

    For my sins four of the women have been put with me.

    “Look after them Corporal, keep them out of trouble. Show them how to use the terrain for concealment.”

    “Yes Sarge.”

    Screw me! How hard can it be to hide inside a wet bush and keep your head down until the bad guys show up?

    A voice hisses at me from a bush on my left.

    “Corporal? Corporal are you there?”

    A female voice.

    “No I’ve gone on vacation to Aspen. Of course I’m f*cking here, where the hell do you think I am?”

    “I’ve got to go,” the voice tells me.

    “You what? Go where?”

    “Pee Corporal. I have to pee.”

    I scratch my head. “You mean you have to take a leak?”

    A big sigh from inside the bush. “Yes Corporal, that’s right. I have to take a leak.”

    I think about this for a moment.

    “And you’re telling me this interesting piece of information because…………???”

    “Because I don’t know how to,” she tells me.

    I lie there and contemplate the enormity of that statement.

    I’m not sure what to say to tell you the truth. I mean, here she is, a twenty something woman, telling me she doesn’t know how to relieve herself.

    “Um, I’m not sure I can help you out in that department. I really think it’s something your Mother should have talked to you about.”

    “You f*cking moron, I don’t mean I don’t know HOW to pee. I mean I don’t know how to do it lying inside a bush on a reconnaissance mission. Is there some special technique? An easy way to do it?”

    Oh I see what she’s talking about now.

    “No,” I reply cheerfully. “There’s no special way of doing it. Just whip the old fella out and let 'er rip.”

    Silence for a bit, then; “I don’t have an old fella Corporal. I can’t lift my leg against a tree or do it standing up either.”

    Do I really need to know this stuff, I ask myself?

    “Well your sh*t out of luck then aren’t you!” I point out.

    The last thing I hear from her is. “Oh for Gods sake.”

    A short time later the bush nearby starts to shake and thrash about. Strange moaning sounds come from within.

    This has not escaped the Sarge’s attention.

    He comes crawling over to me.

    “What’s all the f*cking noise over here Corporal?”

    “Don’t know. One of the women is trying to take a leak, I think.”

    The Sarge gives me an odd look and crawls off towards the thrashing bush. A moment later and he stands up and says. “Corporal, come over here and give me a hand for Christ’s sake.”

    The ambush must be over then, I think to myself.

    I stand upright, trying to get feeling back into numb legs. I go over to the Sarge, peer over his shoulder at the struggling figure below him.

    I can see a rather nice, naked, pale, female bottom. It’s covered in scratches and rapidly swelling red spots.

    The rest of the figure is apparently trapped by a huge blackberry bush. The young lady is crying and moaning and begging us to help her.

    As far as the Sarge and I can work it out, said female dropped her trousers and drawers and tried to take a leak from a squatting position. On top of a patch of stinging nettles. The shock of being stung on her naked butt propelled her forwards into the blackberry bush.

    Once wrapped up by the bush she was unable to free herself.

    Ripped up by a blackberry bush, a butt full of stinging nettle venom, it was all too much for her. She lay there half naked in front of us and worked herself into a hysterical fit of alternate screaming and sobbing.

    The Sarge and I looked at each other.

    “It was never like this in the old days,” the Sarge assured me.
  2. Thats your typical squaddie chicks arrse. You missed out the "fcuking huge" part and "dried sperm deposits from various men".

    I'd still muff her arrse out though.
  3. 8O 8O 8O :wink:
  4. Depends how good you are at breathing through your ears :wink:
  5. I've spent my life trying to hide parts of myself in wet bushes... I see it as my vocation.
  6. I knew the USMC had some somewhere!