Women farting

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by LankyPullThrough, Jun 8, 2006.

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  1. As this is the Naafi it seems fair to assume that most people with partners have partners of the opposite sex.

    As this is the Naafi it seems fair to assume that most opposite others are women.

    As this is the Naafi and anyone fails to share my assumptions it seems fair to say **** off.

    As this is the Naafi it seems fair to assume that most men will make some similar assumptions to me, namely that in a relationship some areas are a male preserve. For instance, the nonchalant twist of the well-wnaked wrist to open the jar of pickled onions under the proud and awe-struck eyes of our other halves. Man's job...oh yes!

    One of those areas of male expertise I had before now assumed to be farting. On embarking on a new relationship perhaps a significant milestone is the first full-bodied emission each makes before the other. Personally, as a gallant sort of cove, I sought to prolong the journey to this particular milestone with the memsahib.

    In this had I initially partial success. I got one mild reference to 'Lifting your leg up in bed and letting one out and laughing to yourself because you think I'm asleep'. Now little ones are all very well but there comes a time when we have to let rip one that sounds like King Kong tearing in two a giant wet cardboard box. Still the gentleman, on reaching this point I went into the next room but still the sound reverberated and brought from the memsahib protestations of disgust. I sheepishly retorted with 'Better out than in'. The balance of fart-guilt was hers: I had the farts; I had the guilt.

    In conversation with a friend of hers she slyly brought up the topic of 'At what stage in a relationship is it appropriate to fart in front of your partner?'. Her friend was of the six month persuasion. Now, as we were at that point I felt smugly justified in my recent ricker rocket. Little did I know I had been out-smarted....and was about to be out-farted!

    The last two months have seen issue forth from the slim, shapely form of the memsahib round after round of noisy swamp gas. Love her to bits though I do, she farts like the proverbial belt-fed bazooka. Night after night, day after day it goes on. I have the best part of a socket set placed about our shared abode as paper weights to hold down any loose papers, magazines, encyclopedias that would otherwise be blown around in the eddies and gusts that follow in her wake.

    Initially I laughed out loud in surprise. Then, assuming a temporary fart-fuelled interlude, I felt smug in anticipating my recrimination free revenge. Realising after a while though that this was to be permanent I ventured a few mild complaints. The retort? You guessed it...'Better out than in'!

    Ah, my misplaced tact. Ah, my misplaced guilt!

    It turns out my companion in life is nothing less than a farting champion, trained in the hard-school of a house with two brothers she has an unbeaten record in childhood competitions. Whenever remotely tested in contest, she stormed through to win (literally!) with what she coyly describes as a 'front bum trump'!

    Has anyone else in the Brigade of Aarse suffered similar indignity, being beaten in a traditionally male pastime? Arm-wrestling? Darts? PLEASE someone else save me from emasculation by telling me that they too have been out-farted by a woman (...or suggest a champioship diet that will enable me to reclaim my honour and some blance in the battle of the sexes).
  2. Hmmmm, everyone knows that everyone farts. Only two women in the world don't. The Queen (obviously) and Geri Halliwell!
  3. Girls fart, they just dont poo
  4. I have a very attractive close friend, scottish and with a wicked sense of humour.

    Recently in the middle of the freezer aisle at the local Tesco supermarket she let fly a fart that measured 6 on the richter scale. A veritable Krakatoa of the lower bowels! Closely followed by a timid "Boy, that might have drawn a little bum mud"! I was uncontrollable. Creased up, holding on to the shopping trolley with dear life. :D
    The general public looking at her with the evil eyes of the rabid shopper that has been nasally assaulted. Looking back now it did pong :?

    To put the tin lid on the proceedings, she even wafted her skirt with vigour :lol:

    Well done Ann :D

  5. According to my daughter men fart but women puff!
    Nearly every morning she puffs with the velocity that I would be proud of!
    Obviously zero alpha blames yours truely for tainting her daughter?
    Exit me stage right to the tiolet to laugh my perverbials off :)
  6. Yeah ....... what is it with the chillier areas of Tesco? They have the same effect on me. How does that work?
  7. LPT, you've discovered the last secret of marriage. How they keep it a secret is a mystery to me. I cannot remember Mrs Biscuits laying wolf-bait once in our coutship, but as soon as the wedding ceremony was over, the air-biscuits were inbound!

    Till then I didn't believe that they farted. Its a simple matter of biology though. We can't keep a fart in for more than 15 seconds, or we'll get internal bleeding. They can keep them in for years, just like their incredible capacity to store poo.

    More proof that women are aliens :)
  8. I have said it before so im saying it again, mrs Hallveg is a veggie and can kill a civvie at 30 paces.
    She regularly lets fly with an anal-typhoon that could strip the hair off a skunk!
    I dont even bother to enter into any anal skirmishes with the rancid witch.

    however, when i do let one out, the cheeky cow has the gall to tell me I'm horrible!
  9. is it really wrong to be attracted to top rate farting birds?
  10. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Mind you, I find fanny farts very off-putting, especially near the vinegar stroke. :x
  11. i have never laughed so much,

    but i have to admit that her indoors lets rip whenenver she feels the need to do so, no matter where we are.

    it has even got to the stage where she waft's the duve when she let's rip in bed
  12. this big fat bird walks into her gp's

    hello elsie whatss up! says the doc

    its my nockers doctor, everytime my husband pinches my nipples i fart

    really, ok take your bra off and ill have a wee shuffty

    she takes her bra off, the doctor pinches her nipples and she drops her guts

    ok then , says the doc , ill be back in a minute, and leaves the room

    2 minutes later who comes back with a 6ft pole with a hook on it

    oh god says elsie, your not going to stick that up my arrse are you doctor

    no silly,,, its to open the windows in the skylight your f**king rotten

    :D :D :D :D :D :D

    fanny farts are off putting :lol:
  13. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    To all those with flange fart problems, your problem is you're not getting a tight enough seal.
    You're just pumping air up her fish socket, which while it does have the advantage of the possibility of an air embolism and the old trout snuffing it in a cock twisting spasm, you need to get things tighter.

    Has age made the missus slack or do you have a small... problem ?
    Winding a complete roll of black nasty around your shaft or perhaps stapling her horse's collar closed at the far ends might help, you'd best ask on the RAMC board where they know about such things.

    Otherwise try with a salami or a Wombat shell.
  14. The first time I dropped a savory air-biscuit in bed, I rolled over to see the Tankie looking at me in horror.

    I commented on the hypocrisy of a man who practises "Naked Bar," franning and Dirty Sanchezes looking at me like he was Mary Whitehouse in a lap-dance club.

    According to him, it was just because he's used to it in a room with a dozen other men, or coming from a tank deck...not issuing from the a$$ of his beloved soulmate, so it would just take some time to get used to.

  15. I am very sure that I saw a post somewhere on this esteemed site postulating that women don't fart because they can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up the required pressure. This theory has been well and truly debunked now.
    Thanks guys.