On the beer with a few lads who are ex- mob, the sand bags were pulled and the lantern was definatly swinging, we started talking about some of the wind ups we either instigated, accomplace's or victims. I was a victim of a brammer of a wind up!! i was a nig in cambri bks in the 80s, my troop had to ''waiter on'' for a Cpls mess do. ''Rules Gentlemen'' No Drinking. Do not accept drinks. Do not dance, look at, grope the women. Etc I was assigned a table with more spare fanny on it than you could shake your dick at. Of course the drinks orders were flowing. I was orderd by Cpl B, that i should except a drink, this bird started coming on to me, she was fcuking a babe!! phwor. given the fact we hadnt seen/smelt/touched any sort of female, the brain in my knob overrode the one in my head. after numerous hours of drink/chat /hard on the RSM/SSM CO all the top table disapeared. we were give to stand down but was invited to stay on as we did a good job. I was instructed to take this particular female home, fcuking brill she was all over me like turds in an explosion in a shite factory. Invited in for coffee. fcuking right. Beer spirits all romantic like! Cpl B told me it was his house, i was to make sure she got in ok. the kissing started, clothes were coming off, stand by stand by, here we fcuking go!!! At 0630 i was sneaking back to camp, my nads were a couple of stone lighter. I thought brilliant a shag, not caught,shower/ breakfast. AHH life is good. I walked in to the block. SEBCOE GET YOUR F**King AR*E in my office now. I ve Just had the SSM on the phone and he says some one has been in his house drunk his beer, shagged his daughter and left the fucking map of africa on his brand new draylon sofa. his wife is throwing an eppy. We done a bed check and you were fking missing you cnut??? Sgt D: Where were you. SC: Must have been taking a sh1te Sgt. Sgt D: We Shouted in the Bogs no fking answer. Sgt D: SEBCOE i will ask you again did shag the SSM's daughter. SC: Yes SGT. SGT D: Fcuk off for breakfast whilst i can see how to sort this! Poor ol me, i could see firing squads, 22yrs in the guard house. just coz id emptied my tanks into the SSM's Daughter. Monday morning parade: usual bollox, just as we were marching off the square. Sgt D hold fast your troop shouted the then pissed off SSM. Here we go death to me, if i am lucky SSM: Tpr SEBCOE you Cnut, dress to the front. I stood there in full view of my troop. SSM: Stand to attention you fking Shite. SMM: SEBCOE Do you like me? SC: yessir Good coz your coming round my house tonight for tea, and you think i am fcuking horrible, my wife is going to rift you for spoiling her Brand New sofa. SSM: You will also propose to my darling daughter who has pleaded your miserable life. coz if she pregnant , i want to be the only bastard in my family. SSM: provost Sgt get my future son in law in fcuking jail and dont stop rifting him until tea time. Sebcoe was shiting himself what the bolox was happening!! after half an hour scrubbing bogs with a toothbrush (short handled) i was summond in to the Troop Office. SC marched in stood to attention. nervous a fcuk, all the training staff were in there looking as if they were gonna lynch me. SSM said: Sebcoe how would you feel if i told you, you ve just been wound up? SC: i would say your a bunch of cnuts sir. they fell about fuking laughing all over the place. The Bird was this Cpls wifes sister, it was indeed his gaff. the cnuts planned this as soon as i started walking the bird home. two days of absolute fear on my behalf, she was a good shag though. The Bastards!! Next installment the NAAFI Manageress ???