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Wind-ups you have fallen victim to

#1
When I was about 17years old I attended an Army look at life course while at college. The group of about 30 was made up mainly of pre-uniformed services students from Staford college.

This being pretty much my first taste of this sort of thing I was unaware of common gags and fell pray to the following which I can't recall how the conversation started or the exact words but went something like this:

Guy#1 : Oh yes, his sister is a concert pianist.
Me : Really?
Guy#1 : Yeah, you should ask him about her.

Me : So I hear your sister is a concert pianist?
Guy#2 : Are you taking the piss? She had her hand amputated after a car crash.
Me : *Gutted expression*
*Silence*.

Later I realised my gaff
 
#2
Or,

"Yes, his daughters in the Royal Ballet, go and ask him about her"

only to be coldly informed:

"My daughter has Polio, you sick Bastard"

Cue prayer for ground to open up and swallow you
 
#3
I heard of a wind up some coppers had going.

New bod (#1) is asked to help stitch another new bod (#2 ) by going into the hospital morgue and laying under a sheet in the cold cabinet, where new bod #2 has been tasked to inspect the body.

When drawn from the cabinet, new bod #1 is to sit up scare new bod #2. Easy.

When new bod #1 is on the cabinet drawer, his oppo's cover him and tell him new bod #2 is en route, before closing the drawer of the cold cabinet.

After a minute waiting in the cabinet the body next to him says;

" Fuckin cold in here innit ! "
 
#4
Before joining the Army 17 odd years ago, I used to listen to talk radio at about 2am, they did somecracking wind ups, one got me, outside at 3 am looking into the sky waiting for an explosion in space from two satalites crashing, was out there 45 mins

gutted I was.....
 
#5
A good one from 15-odd years ago at school. Tell mate to grip chin as hard as possible with index finger and thumb. Spin a yarn about why this is a good idea i.e. my big brother's mates did this and what happens is awesome or whatever. Do the same (except don't squeeze hard). Collapse into a laughing mess when they have a HUGE bruise on their chin. Good times.
 
#6
A good one from 15-odd years ago at school. Tell mate to grip chin as hard as possible with index finger and thumb. Spin a yarn about why this is a good idea i.e. my big brother's mates did this and what happens is awesome or whatever. Do the same (except don't squeeze hard). Collapse into a laughing mess when they have a HUGE bruise on their chin. Good times.
The cold, dark, lonely, winters nights must fly by in your house.
 

_Chimurenga_

LE
Gallery Guru
#9
Boarding School, circa 1987.

"I'll give you 10 dollars if I can smash a couple of eggs on your head."

So, the first egg goes in when older classmate changes mind and walks away.

"At least give me five dollars then, " I exclaim.

"Sorry, " classmate replies, "But the deal was for two eggs."
 
#11
Sat in a pub in Weymouth next to the lifty bridge.



Bloke: I'll give someone a tenner if they climb the bridge as it opens and jump in the river.
Spaz: You're on.

10 mins later I'm hurtling up the rapidly raising bridge wearing only a pair of Duds, Fighting having swerved the old geezer at the barrier.

Splash!

Spaz: Ok where's my tenner?
Bloke: Snigger
Spaz: Cunt!
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#13
I heard of a wind up some coppers had going.

New bod (#1) is asked to help stitch another new bod (#2 ) by going into the hospital morgue and laying under a sheet in the cold cabinet, where new bod #2 has been tasked to inspect the body.

When drawn from the cabinet, new bod #1 is to sit up scare new bod #2. Easy.

When new bod #1 is on the cabinet drawer, his oppo's cover him and tell him new bod #2 is en route, before closing the drawer of the cold cabinet.

After a minute waiting in the cabinet the body next to him says;

" Fuckin cold in here innit ! "
SOCO's I'll be bound? When drinking with Babylon, if someone says "Would you like to see my holiday snaps / a picture of my daughter / my family / whatever...." leg it.

A 'mate' of mine still pulls this one when he is driving and I am a passenger.

He pulls up at a bus queue in a dodgy part of town, rolls down the window and asks "Does anybody know where the Three Bulls Heads pub is?"

Puzzled looks all round

Then he goes "Right, you want to get onto the M6, head for Carlisle then the A69 to Newcastle and ask there. Its just up Percy Street before you get to the Haymarket" then sits staring at them, deadpan. Safe in the knowlege that if anyone is geting belted, its me. Bastard.
 
#14
On my way to get some tartan paint I was stopped by the CQMS, he said fvck the tartan paint go to the MT and ask for a long stand, well I got really bored so it was a real relief when some bloke gave me an axe and a chit in an envelope to hand to the RSM. You won't believe it but on the way I got jiffed to spend twenty minutes pumping up the tracks on a chietain using the spring loaded lever that looked a bit like a wing mirror attachment to me.
So in summary, no I never fell for anything.
 
#15
When I was sprog on first posting to 35 Engr regt I was told by my section cmdr to ' Pump up the tracks ' on the section 432.

Thinking to myself "Reah right ! I wasn't born yesterday. Not falling for that bollocks " , I got myself away to an early naafi break.

Still feeling all smug and clever, I spot sect cmdr, who then ' invites ' me over to the tank park.

One fat lip later and I learn that maybe I'm not sooo clever after all !
 
#16
As a baby cookie boy queuing up at the stores to get some Tartan Breadcrumbz for the Scotch Eggs, I also went for a long wait for the kitchen scales.

I never enrolled for the Malta Dog Shoot or Splash Target Cox'n though, but, I know plenty who did
 
#17
On my way to get some tartan paint I was stopped by the CQMS, he said fvck the tartan paint go to the MT and ask for a long stand, well I got really bored so it was a real relief when some bloke gave me an axe and a chit in an envelope to hand to the RSM. You won't believe it but on the way I got jiffed to spend twenty minutes pumping up the tracks on a chietain using the spring loaded lever that looked a bit like a wing mirror attachment to me.
So in summary, no I never fell for anything.
Know what you mean o_n_f.
If I thought that the grinder was about to run out of sparks, I'd slope off and sweep the glidepath instead.
You really had to keep your wits about you as a nig.
 
#18
x59 said:
I heard of a wind up some coppers had going.

New bod (#1) is asked to help stitch another new bod (#2 ) by going into the hospital morgue and laying under a sheet in the cold cabinet, where new bod #2 has been tasked to inspect the body.

When drawn from the cabinet, new bod #1 is to sit up scare new bod #2. Easy.

When new bod #1 is on the cabinet drawer, his oppo's cover him and tell him new bod #2 is en route, before closing the drawer of the cold cabinet.

After a minute waiting in the cabinet the body next to him says;

" Fuckin cold in here innit ! "
Every Army Lab tech who ever worked in a Military Hospital will claim to have done this to someone.
 

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