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Wifey jokes, anyone?

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[TD]My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

I couldn't remember my wife's favourite flower for her birthday, so I bought her Plain AND Self-Raising.

Was she happy? Was she fuck.

I've already booked us a table for Valentine's night, but I know she'll whinge - I'm a far better snooker player.
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[TD]My wife is so stupid, she goes down the road to Mr. Smith's to babysit for a few hours every Friday and still hasn't realised he doesn't have any kids. Dumb bitch.



I said to the wife "put your jacket on "

She said "oh are we going out?"

I said " no, but i am , and ive turned the heating off"
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A woman's place is in the wrong
My wife is leaving me because of my constant jokes about the size of her vagina.

I'm just glad she didn't give me a massive clout before she left.
My wife and I were talking about fantasies after a few drinks the other night

"What's the dirtiest thing you'd like to do to me?" She asked

I replied "tie you up and gag you, fuck your arse till it bled, cum all over your face, then shit on your tits and rub it into your skin...what would you like?"

"A big black cock right in..."

I walked out in disgust...filthy bitch
All I know is every time a want a leg ower,the cunts got some fanny infection or fucking tampax or whatever stuck up the cunt.I tell yer,its nee fucking joke.
I woke up this morning at 8 and I just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the Wife was face down on the Kitchen floor, not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do.... ....then I remembered McDonald's serve breakfast until 10:30.
I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex. She's been lying there for five days now, giving me the silent treatment.

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