Wifey jokes, anyone?

Discussion in 'Sick Jokes' started by hawky94, Sep 12, 2012.

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  1. ​[TABLE="width: 100%"]
    [TD]My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
    We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

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  2. I couldn't remember my wife's favourite flower for her birthday, so I bought her Plain AND Self-Raising.

    Was she happy? Was she fuck.

    I've already booked us a table for Valentine's night, but I know she'll whinge - I'm a far better snooker player.
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  3. Bought the wife a bag and belt set for her birthday.

    She doesn't like them, but the hoover has never worked so well.

    Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2
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  4. I got a set of golf clubs for my wife.

    Well I thought it was a fair swap
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  5. Took the wife out for dinner last night.

    "I guess I'll have steak" she said enjoying the attention.

    "Well fcuking guess again"
  6. Whats the difference between your wife and a turd?

    You do not have to cuddle a turd after you've laid it.
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    [TD]My wife is so stupid, she goes down the road to Mr. Smith's to babysit for a few hours every Friday and still hasn't realised he doesn't have any kids. Dumb bitch.

  8. I said to the wife "put your jacket on "

    She said "oh are we going out?"

    I said " no, but i am , and ive turned the heating off"
  9. My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

    A woman's place is in the wrong
  10. I married Miss Right.

    I just wish I'd known her first name was 'Always'
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  11. google anyone?
  12. you... smart man !!
  13. My wife is so stupid she doesn't know the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman - one is a super-hero and the other is an instruction
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  14. My wife is leaving me because of my constant jokes about the size of her vagina.

    I'm just glad she didn't give me a massive clout before she left.
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  15. What do you say to your wife when you see her with two black eyes ?

    Nothing, you've told her twice already.
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