Wife problem, stopped being friends

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syledis

Guest
#1
My wife and i are having serious problems at the moment and she has said that it all stems from me not being her friend any more and that i treat her more as a mate and all i want from her is the physical side and that i have no time for her otherwise. Its reached the point where i prefer to sleep on the sofa rather than lie in a bed where the atmosphere is cold. She says she still loves me and i feel the same about her but i dont know what to do to sort things out. I work offshore and the thought of going back to another 5 weeks of this just makes me feel like staying onboard. I expect a few slaggings about baring my soul on here but a few pearls of wisdom from the female members would be appreciated. How do i get the friendship part back and make her feel cared for and feel like my friend again? Cheers
 
#2
If she says that you are not her friend any more but yet you treat her like your mate, then there is some sort of communication issue somewhere.
 
#3
The fact that you both say you love the other is a good thing. Having tried it I would recommend Relate. They can be very good as being a way of teasing out answers and questions as a neutral third party.
 
#4
What about a weekend away mate,splash out and just talk.Maybe you have just forgotten why you loved each other in the first place. Try to get that spark back mate.
 

scaryspice

LE
Moderator
#5
You MUST sit down and talk to each other properly about this. I would echo the comment about Relate being worthwhile as a neutral "third ear" so to speak. None of your friends will really be able to help as they all come with a pre-conceived idea of what's wrong even if they aren't aware of doing so. Going to counselling isn't a failure whatever you may think. Not going to conselling and then realising you should have done once you get to the divorce courts is failure.

Whayever you do don't go back offshore again without starting to get this sorted out. The longer you leave it without talking about it the worse it gets...

You say you both still love each other and I assume there's no-one else for either of you? Good, that's the first hurdle over.

May I also suggest you try going back to doing some of the simple things you enjoyed together when you were first starting in your relationship? (No, not THOSE sort of things) Walks in the rain or weekends away in a B&B or whatever it was that floated your boat in those days. See if you can recapture whatever it was that made you get together in the first place.

Good luck. I really hope it works out for you.
 
#6
i'm so sorry to hear you are in this situation. I dont know if i can help, but i will say this, its not about big geastures. I'm not going to generalise and say this applies to all women, i'm sure it doesnt, but little gestures are what show me i have someones love/attention/friendship.
When you are apart, a text, a note slipped into a pocket to be found, a phone call out of the blue to say i love you.
Talk. Talk about the things you used to talk about when you were courting..hopes, dreams, plans. Dont just talk about the bills, the kids, the DIY.
Show an interest in what she is doing day to day, and share your thoughts about your activities.
date again, take her out, buy her flowes, tell her how much being with her means to you
Laugh together, confide in her, dont be embarrassed to cry in front of her if you feel it.
let her know how much you need her support, how much it means to you and how lost you are without it.
for me its all about the communication and knowing you are wanted and needed, and that you have someone there always to fight your corner.
You obviously had it once.....you CAN get it back.
 
#7
You could try doing things together, going out to the films, art gallery's, long walks etc. Activities where you talk to each other and get to know the others view point. Since you work away from home have you tried sending letters home. People love getting letters and it is very personal.
 
S

syledis

Guest
#8
Thanks for the advice.

I think a big part of the problem is we have no family to rely on for childcare and there is none where we live so we havent been out in over 3 years as a couple and we are in a big rut, putting on weight, being couch potatoes etc and just living for our kids. We never seem to have time just for us. We should be happy as we are well off financially and have no health problems, etc s we have it all going for us, but the spark is missing and we always talk about splitting up but never do it. I am 100% sure there are no other parties involved, even though our sex life has been nil for the past 4 months and pretty sparse before that. ( at this point some people start going HMM!! and shaking their head saying how naive he is!!) but i am sure. We have lost the hugs and kisses, the intimacy and closeness and we really want it back but we are into the blame game now saying its each others fault. I think when i get home next week i will try to organise some sort of night out and make a bigger effort. To be honest i think that i dont tell her how much she means to me and try to be distant and a bit cold a times just in case she does leave and i wont appear to be the one that is most hurt hurt. Sad but true. Anyway thanks for listening and for your well intentioned and helpful advice.

Ps i still think she is gorgeous
 
#9
Send her to me place. I will teach her a lesson or two on how to be friends....

With me dick!!
 
S

syledis

Guest
#10
Thanks devil -Dog for upholding the traditions of this fine site and for putting a smile on my face!

Only surpised it took 8 posts
 
#12
syledis said:
Thanks devil -Dog for upholding the traditions of this fine site and for putting a smile on my face!

Only surpised it took 8 posts
Much obliged.

So, is 8 p.m good for her?
 
#14
:wink:
syledis said:
Thanks for the advice.

I think a big part of the problem is we have no family to rely on for childcare and there is none where we live so we havent been out in over 3 years as a couple and we are in a big rut, putting on weight, being couch potatoes etc and just living for our kids. We never seem to have time just for us. We should be happy as we are well off financially and have no health problems, etc s we have it all going for us, but the spark is missing and we always talk about splitting up but never do it. I am 100% sure there are no other parties involved, even though our sex life has been nil for the past 4 months and pretty sparse before that. ( at this point some people start going HMM!! and shaking their head saying how naive he is!!) but i am sure. We have lost the hugs and kisses, the intimacy and closeness and we really want it back but we are into the blame game now saying its each others fault. I think when i get home next week i will try to organise some sort of night out and make a bigger effort. To be honest i think that i dont tell her how much she means to me and try to be distant and a bit cold a times just in case she does leave and i wont appear to be the one that is most hurt hurt. Sad but true. Anyway thanks for listening and for your well intentioned and helpful advice.

Ps i still think she is gorgeous

Right,

When are you due back???

IDEAS

Send a boquet of flowers telling her that you love her and can't wait to hold and her JUST hold her and tell her how you feel.......tell her this leave you want things to be different.


Then when you get there ask her how stuff has been

and fcukin listen unless you want divorce papers...Tell her how much you have missed her and how much thinking you have done.

Ask her how long she has been feeling so unhappy and listen, ask her what you can do different and to tell you specifics so you can get the point. A couple of apologies for shit behaviour will go down well too.

Tell her that you don't want to make her unhappy as she is the most fantastic women you have ever met because she makes you feel x y z and does a b c when you aren't there.

LISTEN TO HER AND TRY AND FIND WAYS OF MAKING THINGS EASIER ON YOU BOTH IE: Ask a nursery nurse from the local nursery to babysit or something, someone who can be trusted and knows there stuff, tell her you need to spend more time with her - the woman and not just the mum.


The first night you are back, help her get the kids off and then run her a bath leave her a note on the side telling her you love her and you just wanted to do something nice. Don't make a move on her that night - just tell her you need to hold her, if she wants more then fine, but she will probably test you a bit to see if you JUST wanted to have sex all along.

Really concentrate on making her feel valued and if she loves you still she will thaw out, but the only way to do it is to bite your tongue and listen no matter what... you may find if she says nasty stuff to porvoke you shes just angry and doesn't even mean it, if you are a dead reasonable she will feel like shit the next probably and will feel better for letting some stuff out.

Tell her you sill think she is gorgeous and you still love her, that will go far. Trust me I am a wife .

When stuff has got better then you address what YOU need, but for now somone is going to have to really make the first move.

As a wise man once told me about marriage, when you have a rolls royce you look after it, you service it reguarly - why should a marriage be different?

Let me know how it goes and I know how bloody difficult it is to bring up kids on your own with a man who is away.... so you need to let her know you VALUE the role she plays in your life, as both a support and a mother. Tell hr you wouldn't know what to do without her - which by the sound of things is the last place you want to be.

Good luck!

PBS x
 
#15
Hi There,

Well I agree with everything that has been said so far - you need to make her feel wanted and loved and talk openly, without the children there or any distractions about how you both feel. But you do need to listen and take note of what she says, otherwise there is no point in talking at all.

She needs to be made to feel wanted as a woman, not just a mother and wife, I dont mean sexually but that she is fun to be with, desired as a friend and that you ENJOY being with her. Why not try making one night every time you are home where you organise a local babysitter (try agencies, schools or nurseries for girls to help) and you both just go out and do something fun a "date", you dont talk about work or the kids, just life and make each other laugh.

Also, little things like making one evening a week (or how often you can) where you put the kids to bed early, have no tv on, have a bath together, put some candles and low music on and enjoy a glass of wine or whatever, and try giving each other a massage. Its not about sex, its about learning to appreciate each other again and the more you show her that you arent just after sex, the more she will be willing to oblige!

Its tough being away and its tough being at home with the kids but if you both love each other then thats the basis and it can be worked at!

Let us know how you get on!!

Strumpet
 
#16
I work offshore as well, main problem is they get set in to a routine and we come home and upset. Trying taking up a sport together and if all else fails just become a service hand less time at home :drunken:
 
#17
Syledis,

I work offshore as an RO so I know that anything that makes you want to stay onboard must be bad, I was in the same situation as you a few years back and gave up and walked away, this will be the first time I will actually write down that I was wrong, I was but even now I dont want to admit it.

Firstly I was doing the "sleeping on the couch" bit as well, my wife and I had not been getting on and a lot of it was down to her family interfeering and the fact that I was unhappy that she would do nothing about it. I would say that the advice you have been given is spot on, make EVERY effort and push the boat out BUT dont forget it is a two way street in a relationship and your wife must listen to you and make the effort as well. You seem to be facing the same comments I did, I just got to the point where I felt that every time I made some effort it was never appreciated and whenever I gave in to please her it was like she had scored a point. I woke up (on the couch) one day and just couldnt put anymore in and we split, it was amicable at first but despite my efforts to stay friendly (mainly to keep seeing my kids) that just disintegrated. Looking back and realising that if I had gone the extra mile and had swallowed my pride and dignity I would still be with a woman who is the mother of my children stings a bit, the fact that she has denied me access to my kids for three years becuase she is bitter that I left her (she admitted as much to a mutual friend) is a knife in the heart, she has met someone else now and I do not know where my kids are even living now.

From someone who has been there I would put EVERYTHING into it as the alternative is a real killer, especially if you have kids. But that said if you know it is over then make your kids (if you have any) the priority and then yourself.

But whatever happens just hang in there, I have a great life now and a brilliant relationship with a woman I am marrying next year. I have learned from the past.

Heres hoping you never have to.

Best of Luck to you mate.
 
#18
That's a really good point Funbags, is going the extra mile and swallowing your pride.

When things start to patch up again then you can talk about what pisses you off and what you need from her, but right now it seems like you need some sort of peace and dialogue to start without the frost that is apparent.

She too will need to face some home truths.

As for Relate, be careful and get someone who has been recommended. We ended up with a guy that my huband couldn't stand and who told me to move on with my life. He said the cycle of my life was to get stuff right the second time around, "so would it be fair to say that of marriage too!" I mean FFS it says a lot when your counsellor tells you to go - but that is still unprofessional of him to do so......

Also, counselling is a lid off a massive can of worms. You feel a lot bloody worse before you feel better so you have to have a relationship that was once very strong to get through that bit. And it also delves in to other relationships too ie: parents, siblings, work life etc..... so be prepared to feel very very raw. And often very upset and angry. It can effect everyody around you.

I remember going to relate on the Friday and talking about stuff I had locked away in a box and then having to do a BBQ for 50 on the Sunday. I was walking round ASDA with my best mate doing the BBQ shopping explaining she had to keep Mr PBS the feck away from me at the BBQ in case I flipped in front of everyone. (As someone who doesn't do flipping believe me it would have been a great spectacle). I seriously wanted to cause him physical harm and felt really really angry.... Yet I was fine at 4.30 on Friday afternoon before I went in for my "solo session". The lid came off the box and it took a lot of self control not to loose it and to this day I will never know how I kept it together.

So just be careful that is all I will say and be prepared. It certainly is not a good idea if you are on the rigs as you can leave a lot of unresolved shit floating about.........

Anyway, me and Mr PBS learnt a lot, we broke negative cycles and we really benefited from the sessions that we had in the end. I would say now we have a particuarly strong marriage and one that is free from trivial shit too, which is nice.

Take the best of care and I hope some of my ramblings help.

Mrs PBS X
 
S

syledis

Guest
#19
Thanks for the advice, a few too many home truths there but i needed to hear them from other people. I have 10 days until i go home so i will use the time thinking about how i make things better. i think the part about making the fist move is very true. One of us has too and i wanted it to be her to show how much she cared about me. iw ill do it and expect nothing in return from her until she feels loved and wanted again I will let you know how it gets on. Thanks again
 

napier

LE
Moderator
Kit Reviewer
#20
Alternatively, just send her a link to this topic and save yourself some drinking time.
 

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