Why Sir Ian Blair isnt a proper copper.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by MrPVRd, Aug 19, 2005.

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  1. The Met Commissioner is attracting a lot of criticism (perhaps fairly or unfairly) and it may be time to analyse why he lacks the credentials of a credible police officer. We'll leave behind the issue of his unfortunate surname and his taste for the limelight for now.

    1. He wears his uniform. As we all know, proper coppers would rather be seen wearing nothing but high heels and stockings/suspenders than their despised uniform.

    2. He hasn't got a proper accent like Taggart, or the one that Jimmy Nail played on telly. Time to get a voice coach I think - a Scottish Geordie brogue, perhaps with a hint of American, might just do the trick.

    3. He doesn't drive a characteristic car. A red and white Gran Torino would do wonders to reinstill confidence in his abilities. Even better, a Ford Capri or white Escort!

    4. He doesn't appear to have a defining wardrobe item such as a grubby mac or a deerstalker (never actually worn by Holmes but now inseperable from the myth). Even a "hard man" leather jacket might do the trick (it worked for Dr Who) but I'd recommend a sports jacket/kipper tie combination.

    5. He doesn't have a sidekick. Either a hard man in a leather jacket, or an attractive woman detective would do. Perhaps an attractive hard man woman detective would be the best - the Met must have them nowadays.

    6. He doesn't appear to use or abuse alcohol. All proper coppers keep a bottle of Scotch in their filing cabinet, with paper cups, and nip down the "boozer" to have a few pints - preferably with a "snout" or "grass" (see below).

    7. He doesn't have a "grass" or a "snout". A flamboyant pimp would be a good bet, and it would give him someone to go to the "boozer" with (see above).

    8. He doesn't appear to have "issues". A psychological disorder or woman troubles (or psychological woman troubles) would give him the edge in understanding the criminal psyche.

    9. He doesn't appear to have a hostile relationship with his boss, based on his unorthodox policing style or his "issues". The fact that his boss (Inspector Clouseau, or Charles Clarke) doesn't know his arrse from his elbow (and can't see either for reasons of obesity) makes matters more confusing.

    10. He doesn't have a gun. He needs a long-barreled Magnum revolver in a shoulder holster and access to an arsenal of different weapons, one of which must be wielded each week, preferably whilst rolling over the bonnet of a Ford Capri. At least the Met has a lot of guns to choose from.

    11. He doesn't have a decent arch-enemy. Bin Liner is thousands of miles away, in a cave somewhere, and unarmed Brazilians just don't make the grade.

    If these deficiencies are addressed (perhaps in a "make over" programme) then Sir Ian may be able to avoid resigning. If not, he'd better make way for someone decent otherwise he'll end up being upstaged by others, such as a bunch of "pesky kids" with a dog in a camper-van.
  2. He does however follow the practice of getting as many people in a room together and telling them how he solved the case and why he is so clever.

    Unfortunately he appears to have got some of his facts wrong!
  3. How could I forget! 8O He needs a characteristic catch-phrase.

    Reciting "Evening all, shut it you slag, there's been a mur-dur, just the facts ma'am, you're nicked, Z-Victor 1 out" at every opportunity might ease his credibility issues.
  4. After he gets his @ss sacked, I'm sure he'll hit the bottle, wear a grubby mac, give up his flash car for a rusty escort and develop a stack of 'issues' ie beating up brazillians and dressing in drag to turn a trick saturday night.
  5. Upon reflection, I believe the problem is not so much a lack of a catchphrase as the use of an inappropriate one.

    "It's not my fault" and "we're so clever" are obviously not going down well!
  6. Also, if you look inside his motor you'll notice that it's immaculate. Any proper copper would ensure that his jam jar was full of kebab wrappers, paper coffee cups, old copies of The Racing Post, Mars Bars and oversized ladies underwear.

  7. Excellent point about his motor. Moreover, he sits in the back seat! Real coppers sit in the front, so they can drive at excess speed or fire their outsize handgun from the passenger door window, preferably at the tires of the fleeing miscreants.

    Only "Mr Big" sits in the back seat of a motor and we know what side he's on! 8O
  8. How you can you be a hard-nosed cop when you are wearing a name badge that is for people who work in McDonalds.

    Also someone should have gone to specsavers!
  9. ...and he doesn't have a 'sidekick', or 'No.2', who does the leg-work but is too thick to work out who-dun-it. Obviously, anyone else called Blair can't fit the role as viewers would get confused(even if he is a true No.2).
  10. Another reason why Blair is a plastic copper: when his boys ventilated that unfortunate Brazilian chap the other day, he should of sent someone straight down to the scene with a "Throwdown piece", ie a handgun nicked from the evidence lockers and with all the serial numbers removed which is then placed in the hand of the deceased. That's what Macky out of "The Shield" or Dudley Smith out of "LA Confidential" would of done.. :D
  11. He also doesn't have a Private detective or busybody old woman telling him what the answer is (in fact noone is telling him anything right...)
  12. And when did we ever hear him uttering, "Just give me 24 hours."?
  13. Mind you he has never had to hand in his shield & his gun either!
  14. but as a Brit he appears polite and sophisticated on spam TV :wink:
  15. What he needs is a "mild mannered janitor"