The Met Commissioner is attracting a lot of criticism (perhaps fairly or unfairly) and it may be time to analyse why he lacks the credentials of a credible police officer. We'll leave behind the issue of his unfortunate surname and his taste for the limelight for now. 1. He wears his uniform. As we all know, proper coppers would rather be seen wearing nothing but high heels and stockings/suspenders than their despised uniform. 2. He hasn't got a proper accent like Taggart, or the one that Jimmy Nail played on telly. Time to get a voice coach I think - a Scottish Geordie brogue, perhaps with a hint of American, might just do the trick. 3. He doesn't drive a characteristic car. A red and white Gran Torino would do wonders to reinstill confidence in his abilities. Even better, a Ford Capri or white Escort! 4. He doesn't appear to have a defining wardrobe item such as a grubby mac or a deerstalker (never actually worn by Holmes but now inseperable from the myth). Even a "hard man" leather jacket might do the trick (it worked for Dr Who) but I'd recommend a sports jacket/kipper tie combination. 5. He doesn't have a sidekick. Either a hard man in a leather jacket, or an attractive woman detective would do. Perhaps an attractive hard man woman detective would be the best - the Met must have them nowadays. 6. He doesn't appear to use or abuse alcohol. All proper coppers keep a bottle of Scotch in their filing cabinet, with paper cups, and nip down the "boozer" to have a few pints - preferably with a "snout" or "grass" (see below). 7. He doesn't have a "grass" or a "snout". A flamboyant pimp would be a good bet, and it would give him someone to go to the "boozer" with (see above). 8. He doesn't appear to have "issues". A psychological disorder or woman troubles (or psychological woman troubles) would give him the edge in understanding the criminal psyche. 9. He doesn't appear to have a hostile relationship with his boss, based on his unorthodox policing style or his "issues". The fact that his boss (Inspector Clouseau, or Charles Clarke) doesn't know his arrse from his elbow (and can't see either for reasons of obesity) makes matters more confusing. 10. He doesn't have a gun. He needs a long-barreled Magnum revolver in a shoulder holster and access to an arsenal of different weapons, one of which must be wielded each week, preferably whilst rolling over the bonnet of a Ford Capri. At least the Met has a lot of guns to choose from. 11. He doesn't have a decent arch-enemy. Bin Liner is thousands of miles away, in a cave somewhere, and unarmed Brazilians just don't make the grade. If these deficiencies are addressed (perhaps in a "make over" programme) then Sir Ian may be able to avoid resigning. If not, he'd better make way for someone decent otherwise he'll end up being upstaged by others, such as a bunch of "pesky kids" with a dog in a camper-van.