Why does the MOD employ such mongs?

#1
Today I had cause to ring MOD enquiries to get a number. Little did I know this was to be an extremely hard thing for the poor girl at the other end of the phone to do. The conversation went along the lines:

Eye-Spy - Can I have the number for the Salisbury Plain Training Area range booking office please?

Operator - Is that a plane you can fly on? 8O

Eye-Spy - No, its the plain as in a large expanse of open area.

Operator - Oh, and where is it? 8O 8O 8O 8O

Eye-Spy - Salisbury at a guess, you fecking half wit!!!!!

I didn't get the number from her :(
 
#2
No, it's not just you. They are mongs. They tried telling me before that HMS Collingwood was not alongside and it was at sea so couldn't be contactable....


HMS Collingwood is the RN's biggest training establishment......located in Fareham in Hampshire
 
#3
the_matelot said:
No, it's not just you. They are mongs. They tried telling me before that HMS Collingwood was not alongside and it was at sea so couldn't be contactable....


HMS Collingwood is the RN's biggest training establishment......located in Fareham in Hampshire
You owe me a new laptop. This one's covered in coffee. :lol:
 
#4
I was having a bad day not getting any numbers from them so just to be funny I asked them for military directory enquiries... you'll never guess what.... they don't fecking know that one either
 
#5
This is a game for any number of players. It is particularly good fun now that the emergency lines go to some MOD call centre:

VB: I'm calling to report a fire alarm at RAF Wellknown.

Operator: Which service do you require?

VB (biting tongue): Fire. There is no fire, but we have been told to dial 222 every time the faulty alarm goes off.

Operator: Whereabouts is the fire?

VB: The alarm is sounding at Bldg 613, RAF Wellknown.

Operator: What building is that?

VB: It's part of the Officers' Mess, but please tell the Fire Section that it's Bldg 613 [in the past they had been misdirected several times]

Operator: And which unit is that?

VB: RAF Wellknown.

Operator: Where is that?

VB: It's in Cambridgeshire.

Operator: What was the name of the unit again?

VB: RAF Wellknown.

Operator: How are you spelling that?

...and so it went on, until about 25 minutes later the Fire Section turned up, having been sent, inevitably, to the main Officers' Mess building where they had woken everyone up.
 
#6
Pretty much every exchange with MoD 192 is like this. They do try to help but frequently insist that the Regiment you have spent your career with does not exist and their barracks is a t least 600 miles from where you know it to be. They also seem to only use keyboards rather than mice as you hear them tapping away while chanting "sorry to keep you" while you desperately try to find bits of information you think might help them.

Could we not replace them with something web based and powered by Google?
 
#7
if its any Consolation, its the same phoning IT helpdesks. Untrained temps asking questions they read off a script, the answers to which they dont understand.
Today a call to raise a problem took 5 times longer than the fix did. Also adding to the fun was the bod didn't speak english well and couldn't understand my (slight cause am well spoken n that) scots accent.
 
#8
I'm glad I'm not the only one who has these problems.
 
#9
You wait; before long the poor blighters will be based in the Hindukush! Try getting a sensible answer from them then!
 
#10
Queensman said:
You wait; before long the poor blighters will be based in the Hindukush! Try getting a sensible answer from them then!
Their quality of English will be better though...
 
#11
Here's another game to amuse yourself at the end of a phone. You will require:

1. A mil phone
2. A sense of humour
3. Copious quantities of caffeine

First, decide which unit and appointment you need to speak to in order to accomplish your task - for this example, I have chosen the Quartermaster of 3 (UK) Div Sig Regt

a. Pick up handset and call MOD operator.
b. Re-dial the number, as you inevitably get cut off first time
c. Listen to ringing tone for 5 minutes - it is optional to hum a current chart hit whilst trying to fit the ringing tone to the beat.
d. When call is answered, speak clearly and request the telephone number for the QM 3 DSR
e. Repeat your request, spelling every possible word
f. Go back to stage b when you get cut off
g. Wait for 4 minutes, whilst listening to a rapid tappety-tap sound from the other end
h. Answer each question again (who, where, which unit)
i. Re-dial again, after being cut off for the third time
j. Get bored waiting for the QMs number and ask for the guardroom instead
k. Look astonished when you are told that 3 DSR does not have a guardroom.
l. Hang up
m. Phone your mate in Germany who used to be at 3 Div, and obtain the numbers you need in 10 seconds

:D
 
#12
You can always look up the number on DII,

oh no, hold on, no you can't cos half of them are not listed,
or inaccurate,
or you don't have DII

or all of the above
 
#13
the_matelot said:
No, it's not just you. They are mongs. They tried telling me before that HMS Collingwood was not alongside and it was at sea so couldn't be contactable....


HMS Collingwood is the RN's biggest training establishment......located in Fareham in Hampshire
Shiiite, even i know that and I'm a damn pongo
 
#14
You get the same problem reporting a fault on DII. You have to struggle with the 'One point of contact' in the UK who redirect you to the military desk, who redirect you to the desk in JHQ, who 35 minutes after you started trying to report the fault, redirect you to the IT bloke in the building nextdoor.

This of course is much more efficient than dialing the IT bod direct like you used to do, or even going and having a chat with him and getting some fresh air in the process. And I haven't even mentioned the cost of implementing such an arrse fault reporting system and the hours of wasted time spent in front of a computer you can't use, for somebody to come along and 'fix' something that if I had Admin rights I wouldn't have even had to report as a 'fault' but sorted out myself.

It's called progress you know. 8O
 
#15
try getting directed to a milnet number in europe via whitehall on civvie phone line, it sends you to the MGS guy on the gate at Whitehall, nice guy actually.
 
#16
Once took me three hours get to get my Braodband working. 30 seconds to do the hardware, 2.59.30 on the phone to India talking to a fecking idiot who carried on changeing my pin number then failing to update their main server.

The company? Nasty Twisted Liars.
 
#17
I refuse to do business with companies that have call-centres in India. That includes Bad Telecommunications
 
#18
Telesales have reached epidemic levels in Australia. I can expect to receive, on average 2 calls per evening, including Sundays from my little friends in India. Their spoken English is excellent but their listening English (Australian variant) is decidedly dodgy. Dependent of the state of other entertainment on offer I occassionally enjoy playing along with my Indian friends who bizarely have adopted English names from Western movies they have seen. I have recently spoken to a Clint, Nigel, Rudolph, Angelina and a Frodo (I kid you not). For these conversations I normally exaggerate my Aussie accent.

Birdie: Hello

Frodo: Good evening Mr Numnums my name is Frodo and I'm calling on behalf of Dodgy Telecom.

Birdie: Good on yer mate. How's Middle Earth tonight?

Frodo: Err. Would you like to pay less for your telephone services and enjoy free calls to a nominated mobile phone number between 4 and 6am daily?

Birdie: Mate. I was just telling my sheila just the other day that as she scrubbed the barbie that the roos had got into the garden again. Strewth those buggers are always tryin to root the bitch. Dog that is not the missus.

Frodo: Errr. Umm. My name is Frodo. Would you like to. Err Dodgy Telecom. Would you like to speak to me supervisor.

Birdie: That'd be bonzer mate. Barcoo gumtree awagga wagga.

CLICK brrrrrrrrrrrrr
 
#19
rabid_hamster said:
if its any Consolation, its the same phoning IT helpdesks. Untrained temps asking questions they read off a script, the answers to which they dont understand.
Today a call to raise a problem took 5 times longer than the fix did. Also adding to the fun was the bod didn't speak english well and couldn't understand my (slight cause am well spoken n that) scots accent.
Many moons ago, I used to work the home computer support line for American IBM owners. I was one of the first intakes for the new Dublin call center. The stated requirement was that they were looking for multi-linguists with managerial potential. i.e. the future leaders of the company. Knowledge of computers was completely irrelevant. Indeed, in my class of 30, I was one of two people to have ever opened one up before! (Shock, horror, gasp etc).

There was, of course, a script to be followed. "Hallo, and thank you for calling the IBM Helpcenter. My name is.. (and so on)." (My current peeve is Bank of America's "How may I provide you with excellent service?"). I refused to follow the script. I was human and friendly. Confused the hell out of management when I also had the best customer service surveys, so they kept telling me off for not following scripts, but couldn't afford to fire me either.

Then again, I have plenty of IT stories about the people who called us as well. It's not just the tech support staff who are daft buggers.

NTM
 
#20
Geting back on thread, it was once popularily accepted that the MOD had a mong quota to fill. Prior to commercialisation it often seemed that some places where exclusively staffed by special people. Who could forget the blind postman at Sultan, the bus door operators in Guzz dockyard, and the lovely "Phinny" in Defiance canteen?
 

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