Why do British squaddies have such shyte nicknames?

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
No2:Apprentice has a female bezzer she has cheerfully referred to since forever as ' Charlotte the Harlot'
i knew a Charlotte the Harlot, lovely girl

i briefly knew a lad called Seal who had no obvious reason to be called this until he started laughing that weird whooping honk of his. he wasnt too bright and whenever he started to laugh people would laugh at his laugh causing him to laugh even more. this just went on and on until inevitably he would pass out due to lack of oxygen

My favourite army one remains the guy who when going to play football was told to go back and get shinpads, he then spend 20mins going room to room in the block looking for a bloke called shinpads which needless to say became his nickname

a particularly cruel one from school (because kids are bastards) was Daryl, now Daryl was a little on the rotund side and was known universally as Daryl the Barrel until one day he came back from summer holidays one year;

*enters common room*

"Daryl the Barrel!"

"You cant call me that anymore"

"what? why?"

"i changed my name. by deed poll"

"WTF?"

"Yeah, that's right. my names John now"

*pause*

"John the Barrel!"

*normal service resumes*
 
Why is the British Army full of unimaginative nicknames like Jonah, Smudge and Taff when the Yanks have ally sounding nicknames like Raptor, Viper and Maverick?
There was a chap called “that f**king wa*ker” in our unit everyone knew who he was but I never found out who they were talking about, I’ve often wondered what happened to “that f**king wa*ker”
 
Not a squaddie, but a Cuzzy who we shall call George cos that's his name.
Out on foot surveillance, our bold hero takes up a position at a bus stop which thankfullly was neither near a school and it was the holidays.
Not unexpectedly, a bus pulls up and stops, George being for once being sensible, declines to board it.
Big mistake.
With a hiss of doors opening, two stout no nonesense ladies exit and herd George aboard , despite his pleas of being a Cuzzy on duty .
Whilst calling for help on his Airwave.*
Forever known as Speshul George.




* " Yes of course you are dear "...
 
We had the obligatory Pole (from Burnley or some such) with a name tag like a losing Scrabble hand which when pronounced correctly sounded like a cat bringing up a fur ball. He was known as Smith.

Cue a Very Senior Officer meriting a small gang of press ganged bods in best covvies standing in front of a freshly oiled panzer. Inspection begins and banal small talk ensues.

VSO “interesting name, how do you pronounce that?”
Tpr Alphabet Soup “Smith Sir”
RSM (sotto voce) “C#nt”
 

Ritch

LE
We had a kid at school who had a massive Port Wine stain over half of his face. He was a nice kid but that didn't stop the name calling. He was known by many in the playground as Ribena. This went on for several months until it was time to do a school photo and a couple of the teachers gave a large group of kids a massive bollocking after they overhead his nickname.

He was called Vimto after that.
 

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