Why cant I buy a Canadian? And an apology

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by TheIronDuke, Jul 21, 2010.

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  1. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Sorry chaps, girls and abomonations. I'm fairly sure I've never done a cut 'n paste job off of the interwurb. I employ Vaaanman for that. But this is worth a look. Not least because it may prove that God wants us to own the Welsh and Scots as our slaves.

    In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant
    Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus
    18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

    The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man,
    and posted on the Internet:

    Dear Dr. Laura:

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
    have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
    knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
    the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
    Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of

    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
    elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

    1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
    female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
    claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
    clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

    2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
    Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
    price for her?

    3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
    period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how
    do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

    4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
    pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
    They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
    35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
    to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
    abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
    homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there
    'degrees' of abomination?

    7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
    have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
    glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room

    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
    around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
    19:27. How should they die?

    9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
    me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
    different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
    made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also
    tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go
    to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
    Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family
    affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
    I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
    considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
    Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

    Your adoring fan.

    James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
    Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
    University of Virginia PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a
  2. Because they are smelly and cost too much to feed? Or is that lions?
  3. That whole 'neighbouring nations' thing is just plain discrimination, that's what it is. You mean I only get to own Englishmen? I need to know who to sue and quick.

    Talk about Betamax...
  4. I know next to nil about the Bible, but I believe some Christians are accused of 'cherry picking' Leviticus laws; mainly the one that forbids man to sleep with man (I think this means to shove his nob up another man's arse), and disregarding stuff about not being able to wear lycra with cotton and the like; but Leviticus was the original Covenant, and with Jesus came a new Covenant which meant the old laws (such as having your foreskin chopped off) were extant. I believe this was a good marketing ploy by Paul who basically said, look you can be a Christian and you don't have to have your nob tampered with.

    I'm pretty sure there's nothing in the Bible about lesbians, which is pretty cool really; especially the bi-sexual ones.

    But did Jesus say anything about shirt lifters?
  5. I`m just wondering how long it will take before the EU get round to warning us all that this Middle Eastern nonsense is about ten thousand years past its sell by date and will rot our brains. Bibles, Korans, and Talmud gibberish should be made to carry a health warning.
  6. The Jehovah Witnesses believe that the United Nations will outlaw religion, and this is a major sign that the 'End of Wickedness' is nigh. I think this period of time is called the rapture, when true Christians will be persecuted; just prior to all us normal sinful people get zapped by God.

    Jehovah Witnesses will get erections if religion was banned, since they reckon it's prophesied in Revelation.
  7. rampant

    rampant LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    I think you mean superseded, extinct would be wrong because the laws would still exist (extant).
  8. Yep! I'm a Geordie. I like to use clever sounding words, but I often fuck it up.
  9. WAB, you seem to be well up on all things God bothering. I wonder if you are some sort of Hindoo/Budhist/Zoroastrian agent provocateur.
  10. I'm somewhere between atheist and agnostic, but I've worked with a few JWs who've tried to convert me, so I've read up on it; just to wind them up with some banter. Or at least I tried to; JWs have an answer for everything; it comes from years of practise of getting fucked off on doorsteps on a Saturday morning.
  11. Gremlin

    Gremlin LE Good Egg (charities)

    I think that that comes under the love thy neighbour (unless he is your slave) bit. So yup, as a Christian you can bugger away to your hearts content!
  12. The Ten Commandments was definitely against, if it's any help. That bit about not coveting thy neighbour's ass...

    Yeah, I know. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
  13. Surely Froggies are fair game, what with the Chunnel bringing us closer together. I could do with a couple of French maids wakeing me with a gentle shake half way down.
  14. I don't want a French bloke, I want a Canadian now you've mentioned it. It's my birthday soon and all that. You meanies.

    I'd settle for a goat or a tiger though.
  15. Here ye go.


    You can't house-train 'em, though. Be warned.