why bikes are so cool

#1
Velocity-crazed bikers 'breaking laws of quantum physics'

Police to deploy faster than light speed camera rocketship?
by Flash Gorman

Britain's tearaway bikers are regularly using their high powered machines to defy the laws of relativity, it was revealed today. Speaking at a press conference, Northants Police Chief Charles "Foxy" Fox, revealed that so called "sportsbike" riders are using the enormous speed of their machines to "break the temporal barrier and arrive at their destinations before they set off".

Chief Fox explained that his Northants force thought they had eradicated the problems of speeding bikers with a draconian sentencing policy that has seen several bikers imprisoned — a move that Chief Fox now describes as "not draconian enough". However it now appears that they have been taking advantage of a "loophole" in the laws of physics to evade capture.

Bikers have been modifying their machines with illegal tuning accessories to make them capable of the enormous speeds required to reverse the flow of time. Their mounts appear standard and in many cases the only outward sign of the modifications is a speedometer that reads "yesterday, last Tuesday and middle of next week".

The Rockall Times spoke to a back street tuner who gave us the low down on the Einstein-busting bikes. "It's all pretty simple really. Your average Japanese sports bike is already pretty quick; we generally just rip off the air filter and add Tachyon fuelling. Slap on some "No Fear" stickers and you're pretty much there. Of course you also have to increase the mass of the bike to infinity which is a bit fiddly but we tend to source that bit out".

So what can be done about this menace on our roads? As ever, Chief Fox has the answer.

"We're starting a program of genetic testing to identify potential motorcyclists at birth and we will be petitioning parliament to make it an offence to "think about obtaining a motorcycle with an intent to ride it". We're also proposing to build a faster than light speed camera rocketship which will orbit the earth taking pictures of the past, but to be honest we're not 100 per cent that we will have the budget for this. Failing that, we could always just shoot them."

Rincewind
 
#3
Since i am Orginally from Northants, i could actually believe this kind of statement being issued from the coppers there!
 
#4
WhiteHorse said:
Rincewind, have you been drinking in the mended drum again?
is that the pub from the terry prachitt books?
 
#5
I daily ride m/cycles. Honda Hornet 600 or my 650 vee twin.
Much as luv mi biking, it is hard to defend the right of us bikers to risk our necks on public roads.
Bikes ya either luv um or hate um.
It's impossible to explain the adrenaline rush, how there are times I get off my bike feeling weak at the knees, my whole system pump up for max effect.
I did work with the police in UK before I came out here and your ordinary Bobby would tell you that 'Traffic polis" where a different breed.
We had one Traffic copper with us and once I started off with MY point of view.
He was/is a decent sort but he bit, and hard " Just tell me why I have to go and tell Mr & Mrs Smith that little jonny/jilly woun't be home tonight or any night. Try telling parents that the one and only is just a pile of mangled flesh and bone, You do it" or words to that effect.
john
sermon over
 
#6
So whats your point? :)

I ride daily and i love it, i work in the city centre and its a nightmare getting into work in a car, takes 45 min + and all that happens is you burn £10 of petrol and arrive in a foul mood. the bike = 18 min of fun fun fun, i iused to have a jap sports tourer and before that a jap hooooooliguns bike, but now i ride the biking equivalent of a diesel Citroen Xantia (the car that everyone used to tell me "my dads got one of them") so speed is not the only reason, i love nipping through traffic down the centre line and in and out weaving past 'rsoles who think because they are stuck in traffic then so should i.

My CO is a Traffic Copper and so is my District Officer - both motorcycle coppers to boot, they know bikers ride fast, the ammount of times i have been coming back from somewhere via the M1 and just happened to meet my CO at the Junction i need to get home, we acknowledge each other then race the 6 miles of dual carridge way back to town, him on a Honda Pan European and me on my Trump. which i can tell you - add in the fact he is a copper and the rush is bigger :)

and yes, i had been drinking in the mended drum when i posted this. but i swear i never touched the frog pills.

Rincewind
 
#7
#9
ducati916 said:
How the fcuk can you call your piece of crap cool, its the same colour as my helmet (Pen1s helmet that is) and as I said before, it probably has a reverse gear :twisted:
It has NOT got a reverse gear and i would happily race you to lets say From London to Inverness? want to borrow my AA card for when yours throws a piston ring? :)

Happy riding shipmate :)

Rincewind
 
#10
General rule of thumb. If it has panniers, it’s gay. You are the two wheeled equivalent of a caravan towing, Daily Mail reading child abusing, devil worshiper. How many times have you got your knee down on that faggot mobile? Not exactly a Joey Dunlop special, is it? If you peeled its penile coloured paint back, would it have 'South Wales Police Force' underneath? Average age of the rider of that abortion must be into treble figures. How do you fit your cardy under your Falstaff weather proof? Or do you wear Foggy replicas?? Bit like a Nissan Micra driver wearing a Shuey Race suit whilst popping down the local Mace shop. Hom, hom, hom. I'll bet you have a fcukin intercom too so you can chat to your inbred spouse whilst she’s munching 'comfort food' when she’s straddled on the back of the two wheeled spaz chariot. It’s not a bike, it’s a fcukin embarrassment! :lol:


i would happily race you to lets say From London to Inverness?
With pleasure. Knowing the A9 rather well, it would be a larf to watch you

A. Get double Pneumonia trying to attempt the speeds you suggest.
B. Pick up your remains after you encountered the fabled Cairngorm phantom souped up Skoda Favorit Rally 'wee jock poo pong McPlop' driving nutter.
C. Explain your tosh ref similar comfort levels due to you having CD/Radio on board. Sorry but listening to a wasp rattling around in your helmet and saying its 'top of the range quality' is not the same as 18 speakers and an amp plus aircon and the bonus of getting a nosh from the left seat.



A bike should be something you tow to a track day not an excuse to think you are 27 again and then try and justify why it looks gayer than Dale Winton in a tu-tu and slower than a fork lift truck in a ship yard.
Simply speaking....Duke or nowt. :lol:
 
#11
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt

now quite happy with a scooter 8)
 
#12
The Lord Flasheart said:
General rule of thumb. If it has panniers, it’s gay. You are the two wheeled equivalent of a caravan towing, Daily Mail reading child abusing, devil worshiper. How many times have you got your knee down on that faggot mobile? Not exactly a Joey Dunlop special, is it? If you peeled its penile coloured paint back, would it have 'South Wales Police Force' underneath? Average age of the rider of that abortion must be into treble figures. How do you fit your cardy under your Falstaff weather proof? Or do you wear Foggy replicas?? Bit like a Nissan Micra driver wearing a Shuey Race suit whilst popping down the local Mace shop. Hom, hom, hom. I'll bet you have a fcukin intercom too so you can chat to your inbred spouse whilst she’s munching 'comfort food' when she’s straddled on the back of the two wheeled spaz chariot. It’s not a bike, it’s a fcukin embarrassment! :lol:


i would happily race you to lets say From London to Inverness?
With pleasure. Knowing the A9 rather well, it would be a larf to watch you

A. Get double Pneumonia trying to attempt the speeds you suggest.
B. Pick up your remains after you encountered the fabled Cairngorm phantom souped up Skoda Favorit Rally 'wee jock poo pong McPlop' driving nutter.
C. Explain your tosh ref similar comfort levels due to you having CD/Radio on board. Sorry but listening to a wasp rattling around in your helmet and saying its 'top of the range quality' is not the same as 18 speakers and an amp plus aircon and the bonus of getting a nosh from the left seat.



A bike should be something you tow to a track day not an excuse to think you are 27 again and then try and justify why it looks gayer than Dale Winton in a tu-tu and slower than a fork lift truck in a ship yard.
Simply speaking....Duke or nowt. :lol:
Quality!

Thank you for explaining where i have been going wrong for the last 5 weeks - back to Jap sportsbikes it is then :)

Am i ok on a Tweaked GSXR600R?

Rincewind
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#13
I don't think Rince actually owns the suspect coloured bike pictured, he'd not want something that could be mistaken for Julian Clary's mobile vibrator.

He did tell me that he was getting a classic bike, though not a Brit one, a Yamaha FS1E I think he said.
 
E

error_unknown

Guest
#14
Cutaway said:
I don't think Rince actually owns the suspect coloured bike pictured, he'd not want something that could be mistaken for Julian Clary's mobile vibrator.

He did tell me that he was getting a classic bike, though not a Brit one, a Yamaha FS1E I think he said.
Ah ha, the classic Fizzy: any colour you want, provided it's yellow. I don't think they have intruded into my consciousness since I was sixteen and desperately trying to impress Samantha Bond's little sister...
 
#16
The Lord Flasheart said:
[
Simply speaking....Duke or nowt. :lol:
Bloody hell flash who shat on your strawberries!

I do love a good burst of masculine insults to blast the limp wristed off the planet!

......but a ducati? AA's favourite :wink:
 
#17
Too true Flash heart

I had the dissapointment of being in the vicinity of Poole Quay for the "Bike Night"
Not I hasten to add on my bike but firmly propping up bar.

It was all shiny new leathers, middle age paunch, girlfriends and my favourite hate KNEE SLIDERS WITH NO SLIDE ON EM.

No wheelies, no loudness, steward types and plenty of "Gold wing misery"

Riding a bike appears to be the new ticket to "woo hoo middle age rebellion"

Smug old Bar stewards, it will not enhance your sexual performance (If you have one)

I have crashed every bike I have owned, been banned, have more insect life and scuffs on my leathers than a london dispatch rider and insist on getting the titanium (Driver scarers) down at every opportunity.

If I am not getting tut tutted or having heads shaken at me I am not riding my bike to the limits of its performance.
I am a low IQ, nasty irresponsible idiot, a danger to myself wild life and other road users.

All these people would be kicked into touch by 19 year old hooligans on two strokes and the right attitude. (I'll probably be asked what two stroke means)

BAA HUMBUG, tracks are the only real place for bikes and lunatics nowadays

the gimp
 
#18
The closest Flash has been to a Ducati was when the leather clad biker dudes and him staged the 'Andover spunk catchers tache' competition

Flash didn't win dut was rewarded with a face full of c0ck snot from team Ducati

I recall them giggling as they left a smiling bukkaked Lord Flasheart with a face like a plasterers radio
 
#19
thegimp said:
I have crashed every bike I have owned, been banned, have more insect life and scuffs on my leathers than a london dispatch rider and insist on getting the titanium (Driver scarers) down at every opportunity.

If I am not getting tut tutted or having heads shaken at me I am not riding my bike to the limits of its performance.
I am a low IQ, nasty irresponsible idiot, a danger to myself wild life and other road users.
Bit of a pillock then? :D :D :D

With a slice of luck the only person you'll kill will be yourself, - hope you don't take some poor f-ucker with you.
 
B

Biscuits_AB

Guest
#20
Half you c*nts are just jealous 'cos you can't afford a decent sized bike nor full comp insurance.

I've been riding bikes since I was 9 yrs old, road legally since 17 yrs old. I may be older than some of you, but where the f*ck do you get off with the 'middle aged' thing. Who the f*ck gave you the right to judge.

Your problem seems to be, that you spend too much time reading 'Performance Bikes', looking at pictures of bikes you can't afford and when you actually meet one in the flesh, you can't contain your jealousy.

I own three bikes, two in UK and one over here. All are within 2yrs of age, and paid for. Half of you are still on the HP for your first bike, generally a 600, can't ride the bike you bought properly and can't afford decent insurance for them. You wreck them within the first season and/or cream in, you're scared to ride in the rain and you take a Black & Decker to your knee sliders (it's easy to spot lads).

I can't see why half of you wear knee sliders either, as you haven't got the skill to ride a bike to that level anyway. The damage to the fairing gives it away.

I love listening to half of you when you talk about bikes. Your conversation is limited to 'nearly getting your knee down at X roundabout' and 'some tw*t in a Volvo.......etc, etc,'


You put after market exhausts and no end of trick parts 'to lighten' the bike, which you can't fuc*ing ride in the first place and after you crash it, you practically give the remnants away for scrap, having held onto them for the best part of a year. You wouldn't know how to set a bike up if you tried. When you buy it, it's set up for the place where most of you will do your riding..............in straight lines on the road.

Stop reading the 'glossies' lads.
 
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