Why are "Helplines" no help at all?

I recently (yesterday) called a "Helpline" to try and resolve a problem I've been having with a national company for the last eighteen months (that's 1.5 years in British currency). The "conversation" ended something like this:

Bugsy: "Listen, I know that you're on pretty crap wages for what you do, and I appreciate that you don't give a shite. But the company you represent has fücked me around for a year-and-a-half, so I'd like to hear something positive from you".

HL Gonzo: "I take offence at your choice of words, sir. I'd like to remind you that we have a policy of not using offensive expressions!"

Bugsy: "Oh, skyooze mee, but this has been a point of contention with your company for longer that I care to remember! However, if you're that sensitive, maybe should consider if you're in the wrong trade. Maybe you should be a fückin' monk instead, you wänker!

Then he hung up on me! Da wannka!

The point is that, in spite of all the claims by the (very well-paid) big cheeses, nobody actually gives a freely flying fück about whether customers/clients get any satisfaction whatsoever from their so-called "customer services" or "helplines".

This has really gone on for far too long already! So isn't it time for a change? Shouldn't we be telling these "customer service representatives" and "helpline advisors" that we expect an imminent and positive change and it not, we'll be round their local office with 25 RPG rounds to reduce their shite building to rubble?

The worst offenders are those in some nameless place in India. I really have every possible respect for them as humans andfor their notable academic achievements , but expecting me to comprehend that they're trying to flog me a mobile for nothing, while I'm struggling to understand them is not conducive to good business.

Jaisus Kaaroist, Mary an' Joseph onna fückin' rusty tandem! As an Oirishman, oi have enough to do to understand da Brits when dey call frumm Essicks! "Ohr'righ', me 'ole son? Dassit i', innit? S'gonna netchya loads, innit?"

Where did civilisation go wrong?

stabandswat said:
Which company is it?
It was Powergen, stabandswat. A right fückin' shower that you don't ever wanna be involved with, believe me!!!

Try the CSA, they go from bad to worse. I finally got through to them on friday and the conversation went....

Bossy So, whats happening now with my claim?

CSA I dont know

Bossy Well have you come to a figure that he should pay yet?

CSA I dont know

Bossy Have you actually processed my claim yet? I put it in 3 years ago

CSA I dont know

Bossy You actually are a retard aint you? Tell me do you know any other phrases or is I dont know your limitation?

CSA Some one will phone you back modom

Bossy when?

CSA i dont know

Bossy throws the phone at the wall and day dreams about tearing out the CSA idiots voicebox with bare hands.


Dell have become just as useless since they moved their call centre over to India. My last conversation with them went something like:

Me:Hello, one of our computers has a broken hard disk. It won’t boot up and the testing I’ve done indicates that it is physical damaged.
Dell mong:Ok, before I can send you a new one I need you to boot it up and…
Me:Sorry didn’t I just explain that it wont boot…
3 mobiles sales team (also in India) are also complete mongs:

3 mong:Hello sir, for being such a valued customer, yadda yadda yadda, (obviously reading from a cue card) we’d like to offer you service xyz at a reduced rate…
Me:That’s very kind of you but I’m really struggling to understand your accent, I can tell you’re reading from a cue card and that you don’t really understand what you’re trying to sell, and you sold me this service 3 months ago so why are you calling me?
3 mong:Oh yes sir, I can see from your records that you do already have service xyz…
There’s s reason why these idiots work in call centres… :roll:
Had a cracker with NTL.

Mrs Madmag: We are paying for 1meg on the broadband but are getting nowhere near.
India: If it is in the early evening then you will be experiencing contention on the switch so you will not be able to get ur full speed.
Mrs Madmag: But it doesnt matter what time of the day. We only get about 60k.
India: You don't really expect to get what you pay for do you lady
Mrs Madmag: YOU FUCKI..
India: buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And from 3.

India: Hello is that Mr Madmag
Mrs Madmag: No its his wife
India: Can we talk to him please.
Mrs M: Well call his number and not mine.
India: Can u pass me to him please.
.... Things about internet access and bits being a great service you have to pay for and finished with....
India: Just to confirm can you give me all your security details please.
Mr M: No.
India: Just to confirm
Mr M: I dont want it and who are you again.
I: 3
M: I will phone back..( and hangs up and calls back)
I: We have not contacted you.
M: So you havent called me about internet access.
I: Definately not

Yeah right. It took us 3 months to get the fcuking thing off the phone and our money back, with no authorisation to have it put on in the first place.
Goku said:
Dell have become just as useless since they moved their call centre over to India
Errrm Dell are on one of the floors below me!
Saw one of the "employees" a sure case of keep greggs profit margin well up!
NTL in India?! Strongest accent I've had from them is a Scouse one.

For OP's question: After they've got your money or commitment for their service/item, if it isn't abroad, they either employ chavs, nomads or watless wankers who don't understand minimum wage to mann these helplines. I spoke to a customer services of a housing company with a query I wanted confirming, and through the one-sided convo, even the dozy mare had to admit that I knew more than her about her own job. It didn't really take much.
Caught some footage on my CCTV coverage at home of some pikey's wandering around my car and garage area at 04:30 hours this morning. They buggered off when the outside sensors picked them up and they got lit them up like Beirut after a four-by-two fly past. Next day, I warned the neighbours off, thought I'd ring the local plod (not on 999 though) and ask if there was any known gang in the area using a particular transit van during the early hours to target cars and garages.........and could my local beat officer be made aware of it, also i'm quite welcome for him to come and look at the video coverage............

Me : gave rundown as briefed above to civvy police operator.

Plod : did they damage your car or break in your garage.

Me : no, but thought it may be useful for the local beat officer to know whats going on and i'm happy to show him video coverage...

Plod : why ?

Me : Ummmmmm...........maybe he recognizes someone on the film, maybe he knows who drives the van ?

Plod : Well, if he has time, he may give you a call but, I doubt it

Me : so, that it then ?

Plod : Yes

Me : do you want my number ?.....just in case he wants to see the film ?

Plod : if you like

Me : so, what happens now then ?

Plod : I'll give you a reference number and if you have your car damaged or your garage broken into someone will come and deal with it.

Me : forget it, I'm going to stay up all night, see if they come back and if someone is breaking into my car or garage, I'm going to mallet them with a baseball bat

Plod : that would be an offence sir..............

Me : really, in which case you may like to inform my local beat officer that an offence is going to be carried out and just maybe, he'd like to be on his beat when it happens.....

Plod : can I have your number please........

Me ............ beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, please replace the handset, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, please replace the handset, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.......et al

So, my fellow Arrsers, have a thought tonight for The Dragoon, who is sat stagging on, with old riot baton ready and waiting to crank it up a bit with any little twat who gets spotted wandering around my drive between now and 05:01 hours (sun rise).

Start a Paypal account if you can, I may need a decent solicitor..................lol
Yes, they do tend to read from a script and sometimes they tie themselves up in knots.

I purchased a new mobile telephone from O2 and duly registered it on the Internet:

I received a telephone call within ten minutes from an intellectually challenged youth from their call centre:

Youth: "Good evening Mr******** have you registered your phone with us?"

Me: "Given that you have correctly identified me by name, then your question is somewhat redundant is is not?"

Youth: "Can you tell me how you registered your phone?"

Me: "If you look at your computer screen you will find the answer and realise that you have just asked another pointless question!"

Youth: "Can we interest you in....."

Me: (interrupting) "No you may not!"

Youth: "May I ask why?"

Me: "I am a member of the public who enjoys the privilege of giving you a decision without the requirement of having to explain it or justify it. Goodbye"
For real joy try the home office. its a call center in Pakistan. they have a script for all your answers. and you cannot get connected to the home office its self. you have to write them a letter, and await them calling you
NTL's broadband support is bassed in India. and a bunch of monkeys they are.

I wondered why the tech who was "Installing" (read conecting both ends of a wire which I could have done) gave a little chuckle when he said "any problems call that number". Now I know. I'm a very calm person, but after 3 fecking hours I was less calm. Especaily when the guy was running through A list of instructions. Instead of saying "Do you know how to open your system settings?" I got:
"Press start"

Have a brew, cause this is oging to be some time

"click on Control panel"


It didn't help my Ex was sitting there watching me get annoyed and laugthing to herself.

I Also feel Like ranting about the SIA, but a large chunk of that rant is becuase they're a bunch of usless gits, as a whole organisation, not just the answer-machine... sorry I mean Help line.
Barclays froze my bank cards for my own protection as they noticed they were being used in China, which they could have seen from my customer details is where I live. Attempting to get them switched on again entailed hours of entertaining dialogue with Bombay, the end of every scripted thread the phrase 'go into your local branch to fill in a form with ID to switch your cards on again' OK says I, I am in Shanghai please tell me where the nearest one is - 'Certainly Sir my computer says Knightsbridge, I can make an appointment for you!'. And repeat. :roll: :roll: :roll:

Does anybody know of a bank that only uses UK call centres?


I know NatWest do. I have spoken to them a couple of times and found them actually quite helpful and pleasant.

I personally would love to know all the UK organisations that use UK only call centres (broadband, banks, credit agencies and the like). That way anytime I wanted something new I would check that list and use whoever was on there.

I totally disapprove of these call centres in India. If you think about it, the only people in the UK who can use these to their best advantage are Indians in the UK or people of Indian extraction who can speak that particular language. Because lets face it, if you are an Indian (in India) who has a good standard of English and are probably educated to degree level, the last place you would work is in a call centre working for 3 or Powergen (who I understand are now moving the call centre back here).

Thanks for that Stab, that list is a good idea, I'll see if I can get anyone interested in it. I don't want my personal information to be held by the lowest bidder on the planet
BT Broadband!

Reported poor service via the website.
After 10 minutes English speaking bloke rings me, has a chat, has to pass it on to technical, gives me a ref number.

12 days later, system still rubbish.

Complain the same way, 5 minutes later a phone call, English speaking lady, ref number given plus,
"Sorry but tech support is complete rubbish at communtications, my advice is you follow your threat to
contact ofcom and our CEO. You might get a result"

Just makes me weep ffs.
Bugsy7 said:
stabandswat said:
Which company is it?
It was Powergen, stabandswat. A right fückin' shower that you don't ever wanna be involved with, believe me!!!

Bugsy, I used to work for them and yes I know where you are coming from. Further along this thread someone mentioned that Powergen are moving their call centres back here, in fact they never left. Their main selling point was that all Powergen call centres are based in the UK....... however (sounds better than 'but') , when the call centres here are overflowing with customers that overflow is then sent to India to an independent company who have a contract with Powergen. I agree that they are a shower thats why I no longer work for them although I do miss the company car and bonus lol
You might be interested to know that the Royal Bank of Scotland still lets you phone your local branch direct, rather than a call centre.
clydesdale bank still let you speak to someone you can actually understand as well.
Bugsy7 said:
stabandswat said:
Which company is it?
It was Powergen, stabandswat. A right fückin' shower that you don't ever wanna be involved with, believe me!!!

That'll be the same barstewards that call round my quarter on a monthly basis with a pitch designed to make you think that they are your EXISTING power company and just want to move you to a better tarriff! I pity the fool who doesn't realise!

I'm getting shorter and shorter with them. Next one to call is just gonna get "Fcuk Off" :twisted:

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