Who pays for the beer? (The Forum Heroes)

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by Bodmin-Bill, May 7, 2005.

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  1. This has been transfered from the NAAFI SECTION, as I felt it should be under TALL STORIES.

    Sqn-Ldr Bill Medland RAF and bar, upon looking around the forum, notices that the door is partly open to the FORUM NAAFI.
    "I have never been in here before".
    Bill pushed open the door a bit more, to reveal a room full of Army types.
    He was a bit nervous, but thought what the hell, perhaps they would not notice that he was RAF, although the accent might give it away?

    Bill walked into the dim lit smokey room, and inched towards the bar.
    A Para NCO walked past with a military bearing, which he tossed in the air and caught

    Pushing passed the group of naked men in steel helmets dancing a zulu number on a table, he pulled open the fur collar of his flying jacket, to get at his wallet.
    "Barman, a cocktail wot".
    SABRE the barman growled "We don´t have poof cocktails, and RAF types are not welcome here!"

    The bar went quiet, Cutaway, the piano player stopped playing and SABRE the barman growled " A Blue Job, The Lord Flasheart, will not like this!"
    Agent-Smith drew his SA80 from under his camo jacket, and levelled it at Bills belly. "I say old chap, that is not cricket wot?"
    "No it is not fcuking cricket matey, now fcuk off out of the NAAFI".
    Someone tugged on Bills trouser leg, from under the table.
    It was Crabtastic, also in RAF uniform, "Get your wallet out and buy the bastards a drink if you wish to live!"

    Agent-Smith said in a low voice "Hey Crabtastic, penis of plastic, step aside I am going to waste him".
    SABRE jumped over the bar with a GPMG in the palm of his hand like it was a pistol, and grinned as only he could.

    Bill layed his wallet on the table, and offered to buy the drinks, and Cutaway counted the cash before going back to the piano.
    Green-Girl entered and anounced that The Lord Flasheart was coming!

    Bill took a seat in the corner next to Crabtastic, and the chatter started once more, and the piano played...........

    to be continued
  2. Bill took a bar stool and Crabtastic introduced himself.
    Crab told Bill how he had stumbled into the forum not realizing that it was an Army forum, he had been hiding in one of the forum sub-sections and had landed up in the NAAFI, hiding under the table for a week or more.

    Bodmin-Bill asked "I say old Bean, do you think it was a mistake to come in here?“
    Crabtastic produced a spoon and said "I have started an escape tunnel to the RAF section of the Service Pals Forum, but it will take forever to get there“.
    Crab ordered another two beers, and Sabre growled.
    Bill told Crab "One day I was flying a Stuka for Hermann Göring on the Axis History Forum, then without any warning, found myself here!“

    The door burst open, the chatter stopped and Cutaway went silent at the piano. Sabre placed a beer on the bar for the man they admired and feared. The Lord Flasheart entered, dressed in a long trenchcoat, he looked around the room, noticed two Royal Navy types, doing something behind the bar which he had thought impossible. Disgusting he thought, making a mental note for later. Flashearts eyes met Green-Girl, and he asked "Hey baby, am I big or what!“

    Moving up to the bar Flasheart asked Agent-Smith if all was under control? Agent nodded.
    Flasheart exploded into a rage "Then what is a fvcking Kraut WW2 Stuka doing in my parking space out front!“
    Sabre pointed a hairy finger towards the blue jobs in the corner.
    Cutaway added "Yeah, ask the RAF poofs“.
    "So who are you two?“ asked Flasheart.
    Bill answered "We are Forum Heroes“.
    Flasheart said "I know that, we are all Forum Heroes on this forum, now answer this smart ass, is that your Fvcking Kraut Stuka parked where my 3-tonner should be?“ (It should be noted that the truck contained an instantly deployable brothel, for the use of).

    Sabre grinned behind the bar, he could smell death coming and had his NVG fitted so he could see in the dim lit bar. Cutaway started to play the Dambusters march on the piano until Flasheart gave him a look that could kill at a dozen paces.
    The Lord Flasheart gave an order in a low growl "Waste the poofs“.
    The two RAF chaps ducked under the table, before Agent-Smith could cock the SA80.
    Crabtastic grabbed Bodmin-Bills arm and said "This way“.
    The two in blue ducked as Sabre let loose a burst from the GPMG, and headed into the toilets shuting the door behind them.

    They looked at the small window which was 20 foot up.
    Bill said "You climb on my shoulders, and then I will climb onto yours“.
    Crab looked puzzled „But if we do that there will be an empty space under us“.
    "There will be Crab, but forum heroes can do anything when they are online“
    The pair had just climbed through the window as Cutaway entered the toilets firing a LAW66, which had been hidden in the lid of the piano. Bill and Crab had made their escape none too soon it would seem.

    Back at the bar Agent-Smith asked Sabre what had happened to that new git on the forum Arik?
    "Oh him, Sir Ridney Ruff Diamond ate him for breakfast this morning“.
    At the end of the bar, The Lord Flasheart feeling a bit miffed, finished his beer...

    To be continued..........
    (feel free to add anything to the story, or write yourself into it).
    Some feedback would be nice, i.e. Great! or a load of bollocks?

  3. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    Just a note on accuracy, I've never gone silent at a piano. Ever.

    Gone quiet and panting over my organ a few times mind.
  4. I'd like to point out that cutaway, like myself, rarely if ever drinks in a bar that is used by RAF poofs.
  5. Tomorrow read about what Crabtastic does when he sees a huge red nob :? 8O

  6. In the NAAFI carpark

    "wow" says Crabtastic "A real WW2 Stuka, and it has seen some battle damage too".
    " Yes Crab, it has seen a lot of forum hero stories over the last four years or so. My flying partner was a serving Sergeant in the BAOR, called Ian Earl, we flew together on the Feldgrau.net forum, and later on the Axis History Forum".

    Crabtastic looked at the bombs, they seemed like two 45 gallon oil drums he remarked.

    "We ran out of ammo on the eastern front years ago, but as luck would have it we overran a soviet field kitchen with an endless supply of goulash, so we are fitted with goulash bombs".

    Crabtastic then asked "Where did you keep this aircraft?"

    "We had a private hanger at Carinhall (Hermann Görings private residence)".
    "Climb up into the back seat Crab, if you want to fly with me?"

    Crabtastic climbed into the back seat, and sticking up between his legs was a huge red nob (which was the release nob for various weapon systems). But sadly the red nob failed to function :cry:

    At the Ministry of Defence

    Sir Rodney at a crisis meeting

    Sir Rodney: "Gentlemen, there is no other way, we must recall half of our forces from Iraq, we just can´t feed them all.
    Col.Rupert: "Sir there may be a way of getting extra food to the troops, our American agent in Africa, Phil306, reports that a German sausage factory in deepest Africa refused to surrender in 1918, and for three generations continued to produce tons of Bratwursts for the Kaisers Army".

    Col. Rupert had their attention now, and continued.

    "The factory has been under the contol of a band of Iraqis loyal to Saddam, for about two years now".

    Sir Rodney: "Damn, we have no troops available to send in, and our last reserve the `Service Pals Forum` has already been sent to Iraq, we have nothing left".

    Col.Rupert: "We still have one reserve Sir, a group of retards, called the ARRSE Forum......."

    Back at the NAAFI section of the ARRSE Forum

    DozyBint handed Auld-Yin the signal from the MOD, and Agent-Smith called an O-Group. Cutaway and Sabre both agreed that the plan could only work with air cover, Armourer´s tank and The Lord Flasheart´s 3 Tonner to carry the reserves and compo.

    The Lord Flasheart said " We must take on the mission, we can´t leave Phil306 to face the Iraqis alone, quick into the carpark".
    Flasheart asked Bill and Crab if they would join in the "Band of Motherfvckers", to which they agreed, but Bodmin-Bill pointed out that the huge red nob was not working, so Flasheart sent Armourer to have a look.

    "hmmm, your nob is just a bit sticky Crab, give it a good polish and it will be as good as new".
    So while the others were loading up the tank and truck with 24 hour rat packs, Crabtastic sat in the Stuka polishing his huge red nob........

    Bodmin-Bill turned to face the Forum and asked "who wants to come along? those who want their names in the story, or who would like to help write the story. Start posting! I am new here, it is YOUR Forum.

    Cheers, Bill.
  7. Bugger that! DozyBint would be drunk & incapable, challenging all comers to games of pool & shot drinking contests... :roll: :oops: