Which type of Cult should I start?

Live near a big modern happy clappy church, wife got asked recently did we move to the area to be near it.
No was the answer as it was her parents house before, the happy clapper said we should sell it to someone who wanted to be near it. Seems now the children have flown the nest we should move so a young family can move in and go to 3 of the good schools near by.

Wife said fine, market value is £XXXk you pay it we move tomorrow, if not shut up.

Think we are now black listed in the road now, wife thinking of telling neighbors we are in to wife swapping just to pee off the curtain twitchers and nosy neighbor who I think is a KGB spy as she seems to know everything about everyone in the street apart from us, the roads lepers & bad people!

Put an advert in the local rag:- For Sale by private treaty ( No Agency's) 3 bed house, very near Pentecostal happy clappy church, will sell to disfranchised minority family from M.E. War zone, Irish travelling community, or local chapter of hells angels. price on application. phone 123-45678901.

Or casually mention to neighbour that the house has been sold to the council, to be converted into a drug rehabilitation centre, for ex-convicts. Stand back, and see how long the shit takes to hit the fan.
 
I like this idea too and have thought about it.

Branch Davidians (Waco) and Peoples Temple (Jonestown) were the Inbetweeners whereby I think the promised land lies. Providing you dont go "Full Retard" and start killing people, stockpiling weapons and claiming you invented the full stop, at its lowest form you are no worse than a pikey and at its top end, a Scientologist. Inbetween, is the under the radar.

Im happy to help by the way but I must be a joint god, I only want other people to pay me a good wage so I can leave the camp to gather 'knowledge' (have a few holidays), cook me good food, sex on demand and piss in a communal pit where we can throw people in for punishment.

I can provide 100 acres of Aussie Bush so I need a supply of poison to kill every grub, insect, arachnid, lizard, snake and galah in those acres because Australia is grim as **** outback.
Out of interest, do you have any problems with feral animals you could use a licensed shooter to sort out?
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
I can provide 100 acres of Aussie Bush so I need a supply of poison to kill every grub, insect, arachnid, lizard, snake and galah in those acres because Australia is grim as fuck outback.
Where is this plot?
 
Out of interest, do you have any problems with feral animals you could use a licensed shooter to sort out?
I am in the process of getting my licence to shoot them, but I am yet to buy a 100 acres, of course if a sex village is on offer I will buy a remote 100acres+ for $60k in a heartbeat providing I can vet the inhabitants and get a position on the top table.
 
Have you started it yet, who's in or out?
Well, you're out... unless you make a "buy a brick" donation for £250 towards the place of worship building fund, get onto a catechesis/apologetics course for £2500 then you need to buy one of my specially blessed snot rags for £500 that will guarantee you the wealth/healing the Deity has preserved for all time as yours.

The you can send me your Mrs and daughters over the age of 16 for their initiation rites where I can do the bidding of the Almighty.

Then I might let you in.

Which women women excluded?
Fit ones in, lardy fuggers out, obviously.

Where & when will the orgy, er I mean cult be?
Well I was going with a large abandoned warehouse in Milton Keynes, but apparently the Redeemed Christian Church of God, Jesus is Lord, Overcommers House (no duff) got there first.

I'm figuring that there's a few abandoned big houses on the Bishops Ave in Hampstead I can nab to rest my weary head/roar some female disciples but I still need my Crystal cathedral

Christ Cathedral (Garden Grove, CA) - Wikipedia


What is your title?
I reckon I should be like Danyrs Targerian or Idi Amin and have a mahoosive one:

His Serene Holiness, Bringer of Warmth now Winter is Coming, Doctor, Lord of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, First of His Name, Apostle-Pastor-Cardinal Woopert.

it trips off the tongue.
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
His Serene Holiness, Bringer of Warmth now Winter is Coming, Doctor, Lord of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, First of His Name, Apostle-Pastor-Cardinal Woopert.

it trips off the tongue.
No, fannybatter.
That trips off the tongue
 

ugly

LE
Moderator
I thought we had one already, the church of booze, prophet Al Murray (all hail the ale) etc but guns and milfs/sportsmens doubles is beginning to attract me. One of the major tests/requirements would of course be a test, brewing the best home made hooch!
 
If I was the OP, I would create a cult based on a single deity with awesome powers.

The diety would be able to gather members through little or no obvious actual contact. Most of the utterances from the great person would be written down as quotes or passed on by loyal disciples.

Speeches would, to the unbeliever be just incoherent words, to the follower they would be paths to glory and enlightenment

You could have vast crowds gather at your bequest and chant your name.

It always helps if the diety would obviously have a confused and disturbed upbringing that led them to find the light, and become the supreme being that they are.

They would lead the members to the entitled utopia that is out there, and all the non-believers will burn in own selfish hell's

Any unbeliever who dismiss the deity's words will be cast aside derided as fools, for them their is no salvation

Oh . .hold on, I've just described Jeremy Corbyn
 
No, fannybatter.
That trips off the tongue
no mate, that's the utterance of the wobbed out Bill Oddie found naked and straddling a khazi by the Ord Offr on Millionaire's Friday.

At least that was how I wrote it up in the Occurrance Book.
 
Well, you're out... unless you make a "buy a brick" donation for £250 towards the place of worship building fund, get onto a catechesis/apologetics course for £2500 then you need to buy one of my specially blessed snot rags for £500 that will guarantee you the wealth/healing the Deity has preserved for all time as yours.

The you can send me your Mrs and daughters over the age of 16 for their initiation rites where I can do the bidding of the Almighty.

Then I might let you in.



Fit ones in, lardy fuggers out, obviously.



Well I was going with a large abandoned warehouse in Milton Keynes, but apparently the Redeemed Christian Church of God, Jesus is Lord, Overcommers House (no duff) got there first.

I'm figuring that there's a few abandoned big houses on the Bishops Ave in Hampstead I can nab to rest my weary head/roar some female disciples but I still need my Crystal cathedral

Christ Cathedral (Garden Grove, CA) - Wikipedia




I reckon I should be like Danyrs Targerian or Idi Amin and have a mahoosive one:

His Serene Holiness, Bringer of Warmth now Winter is Coming, Doctor, Lord of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, First of His Name, Apostle-Pastor-Cardinal Woopert.

it trips off the tongue.
Pfft! So much angst.

Still reckon the title of Supreme Overlord Dictator of the Universe is the way to go, along with alien space ships and a barrel of FlavourAid.
 
I am in the process of getting my licence to shoot them, but I am yet to buy a 100 acres, of course if a sex village is on offer I will buy a remote 100acres+ for $60k in a heartbeat providing I can vet the inhabitants and get a position on the top table.
Put me down for a quarter share. Makes more financial sense at the moment and its still less expensive than buying a house
 
Op could go with my idea.

I've contemplated starting "The Church Of The Heliocentric Self" and the idea is that the universe revolves around you. Apart from sending me large amounts of money, there is no real beliefs, worshiping schedules or anything else. All you get is a card saying you are a member of the church and that anything you don't like in the world, you can demand to change on the grounds of religious beliefs. It would be the perfect church for middle age white males, since they have bugger all else going for them when they are facing the world.

I figured that since the Scientologists were able to get in, I'd have no problems.
 
If I started a cult it would be something like the British empire run by Queen Victoria. She ran things that todays men cant.
 

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