Which type of Cult should I start?

#1
For a long time I've given serious thought to jacking in the rat race and starting up my own cult. The problem is, I've got a couple of ideas in mind: do I go down the traditional sort of "Effrikan meets Bible Belt mega church, call myself "Apostle Woopert" (you have to admit it has a better ring to it than Pastor) and do the whole financial scandal/shagging a prostitute or two, or do I go down the full blown guns 'n' ammo in a compound with a dozen female followers who are also brain washed sex slaves. You have to admit the former gets you the rich lifestyle but a quick fall from grace and a few years in Pokey, the latter you get blart on tap (and a few mother/daughter combos) but is more likely to end in a firey death at the hands of the Feds. Neither is ideal.

Then I saw this: The L.A.-based shaman and 'spirit hacker' who has wooed Norway's Princess Martha | Daily Mail Online

Fukcin A! Shamen comes back from the dead and marries a Norwegian princess. Now there are always enough gullible Yanks in the world (he's from LA, so he must have got the idea out there somewhere) but I never figured the Scandies could be fertile recruiting ground.

What type of Cult should I set up and run? I need the advice of my fellow ARRSErs
 
#3
For a long time I've given serious thought to jacking in the rat race and starting up my own cult. The problem is, I've got a couple of ideas in mind: do I go down the traditional sort of "Effrikan meets Bible Belt mega church, call myself "Apostle Woopert" (you have to admit it has a better ring to it than Pastor) and do the whole financial scandal/shagging a prostitute or two, or do I go down the full blown guns 'n' ammo in a compound with a dozen female followers who are also brain washed sex slaves. You have to admit the former gets you the rich lifestyle but a quick fall from grace and a few years in Pokey, the latter you get blart on tap (and a few mother/daughter combos) but is more likely to end in a firey death at the hands of the Feds. Neither is ideal.

Then I saw this: The L.A.-based shaman and 'spirit hacker' who has wooed Norway's Princess Martha | Daily Mail Online

Fukcin A! Shamen comes back from the dead and marries a Norwegian princess. Now there are always enough gullible Yanks in the world (he's from LA, so he must have got the idea out there somewhere) but I never figured the Scandies could be fertile recruiting ground.

What type of Cult should I set up and run? I need the advice of my fellow ARRSErs
Sounds good. Those mega churches make a sh!t load of money and being tax exempt doesn't hurt either. Having a sex scandal followed by a tearful confession seems to help the business even more.

I joined one of those online churches when I lived in the USA and became the Reverend Wilfred but unfortunately when I came back it's not recognised over here.

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#4
The Arrse Cult comes to mind?

Sex, £££, sex, $$$, sex, £££, more sex
Only ages 18-45 may apply. Virgins welcome and if they can cook well, that's a bonus
 
#8
To be a guro / shaman / second coming or what ever you have to fully believe your own shite , if the women and cash started rolling in I think I could convince myself.
 
#9
You have to start with a decent moniker...

Like I said, the "Effricans" seem to promote themselves.. starting as Pastor, then Bishop.... now a few of them are tagging "Apostle". It has a swarthier ring to it than His Eminence Woopert Cardinal Arrse, and that one is taken anyway. What I want to know is does Apostle out-rank a Bishop in the same way chopsy civil servants in the grade of Higher Exec Officer claim to be equivalents of Maj Gens.
 
#11
You have to start with a decent moniker...

Like I said, the "Effricans" seem to promote themselves.. starting as Pastor, then Bishop.... now a few of them are tagging "Apostle". It has a swarthier ring to it than His Eminence Woopert Cardinal Arrse, and that one is taken anyway. What I want to know is does Apostle out-rank a Bishop in the same way chopsy civil servants in the grade of Higher Exec Officer claim to be equivalents of Maj Gens.
Cardinal and chief inquisitor sounds promising, you could counsel the wayward young women and show them the errors of their ways by demonstrating what could happen to them if they insist on following the path of error.

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#12
Cardinal and chief inquisitor sounds promising, you could counsel the wayward young women and show them the errors of their ways by demonstrating what could happen to them if they insist on following the path of error.

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There are videos of a similar ilk on Xhamster.

Di I buy a plot of land in the Apalachian wilds or no?
 
#14
What I want to know is does Apostle out-rank a Bishop in the same way chopsy civil servants in the grade of Higher Exec Officer claim to be equivalents of Maj Gens.
Seem to remember that an Apostle is just a glorified missionary, so personally I'd go for; Archpriest Woopert, apostle to the Arrses.
 
#15
What's Di got to do with this cult, you having sheep on it taffy?
Do... do...

Di's body is in a glass box so I can have my followers worship her spunk infused necrofancy. I keep Maddie in the box next to her.
 
#16
You could always start a 'cargo cult': find some remote tribe that has had little or no contact with the modern world: S America, Melanesia, Andaman Islands. Urmston.

You'll need a 'vision'. Any good with visions?

And you must be charismatic. If you can't do any of that, then the Model making thread is somewhere over there →
 
#17
There are videos of a similar ilk on Xhamster.

Di I buy a plot of land in the Apalachian wilds or no?
Ozarks is much better, some strange cults like snake handlers around there. They'd probably never notice another cult there. They've even got electricity to most places now!

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#18
What would be the group bonding activities? As we’ve seen throughout history cults have something that they do together to have fun and let of some steam
 
#19
You have to start with a decent moniker...

Like I said, the "Effricans" seem to promote themselves.. starting as Pastor, then Bishop.... now a few of them are tagging "Apostle". It has a swarthier ring to it than His Eminence Woopert Cardinal Arrse, and that one is taken anyway. What I want to know is does Apostle out-rank a Bishop in the same way chopsy civil servants in the grade of Higher Exec Officer claim to be equivalents of Maj Gens.
You don't need titles, just Woopert would be good and then you could appoint your own apostles as your 'company commanders'. You could buy a couple of online pastorships, a Bishophood and a PhD. just to have them floating around there in the ether but, just tell people to call you "Woopert" in that humble sort of way.

HEO's claiming to be MajGen equivalent, pfft Captain to Major maybe!
 
#20
What would be the group bonding activities? As we’ve seen throughout history cults have something that they do together to have fun and let of some steam
I was going to start with a 3 hour long quasi-biblical interpretive rant followed by strumming a flat guitar and wailing for a bit, a bit like David Koresh, then a lash up BBQ and bezzer session.
 

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