One of the lads slipped an unwrapped Mars Bar into another fella's bed as the latter lay there comatosed from an all night session. We went back about two hours after and woke him up. He sat up, felt something warm and sticky in his scratcher and thought he'd sh*t himself through the night and tried to remain as nonch as he could. He would not get out of bed until we left the room.
My good lady wife, needed a p iss whilst on the lash in Woolwich, She hopped over a wall with the poise and graze of a gazelle and commenced the procedure known as " shaking a lettuce". With a loud shout she yelled " Oi Medders, do you know Albert Lawrence", I shouted back an answer in the negative form and asked her why, she began to laugh her flaps off and shouted " because I'm pi ssing on him".....
On closer inspection I realised that she was taking a bladder dump in Plumstead graveyard......What a classy bird
Ayers Rock! I had scoffed a four n' twenty steak and cheese pie for brekkie, and it didn't want to play. Uluru is worshipped by the Abo's and you are not even allowed to Photgraph parts of it, or leave the track. I doubled out into the Spinifex and blatched my dung trimpet up against it. Wiped it on my fave grollys and did one sharpish. Remember this of me, there is a part of an Australian national heritage site that will be forever England.
Wasn't a turd, but I took a piss outside St Peters Cathedral when I was drunk, and couldn't find anywhere else to go... I also pissed in the lift of the Eiffel Tower, after drinking too much cheap, french wine.
Got caught short out walking the hound one day and curled out a really fatty in a farmer's field. Administrated my hoop with some long grass, hitched up my trousers and turned around to survey my deposit with pride only to find the dog half-way through scoffing my turd. Nice.
Back in the day, my brother whilst in potty training stage (now in his thirties) and was wearing briefs, wasn't too sure what to do when the familiar feeling gripped his gut, offloaded into my mum's powder dish and put the puff back on top in an attempt to hide the brown treasure.
Had an OC once whose proud boast was that in 20 + years he had NEVER had a dump in the field. Always found an excuse to get to some real porcelain. Poor sod came to a sad end - did the SE Asia "holiday", came back with a dose of HIV and died of it.
On a lighter note.... Late one night I stepped out the 9x9 into the shrubbery and commence urination only to hear the unmistakable sound of p on gortex, followed by my (female) det commander and "Oi, Sir, please stop pissing on me...." Ooops. Consult sleeps plan next time.....
Kenya coastline on GrandPrix in '96. With colleagues after much drinking of devil liquid, dropped the packages right into the sea whilst swimming, we watched them float away on the outgoing tide and then panicked as we realised some of the recently released logs were chasing us back inland, didn't wipe as I just let the sea water slosh around my hoop for half an hour...oh the evils of drink.
On the slight rise overlooking Death Valley there's a portapotty effort. I was absolutely dying to let out some bum rope (wife & kids in car) and there was nowhere else and no cover. You can imagine the stench eminating from this hut in the 45 degree heat. However with the turtles head touching cloth I had zero option.
You mean you were trying to force one out? That's a brilliant idea! No more of this nancy-boy 'Ooh I was walking the dog and I couldn't hold in my brown tide of fury.'. We could have a competition, 'Where's the wierdest place you have purposefully dropped a log?'.
Not sure I should be telling this story (probably apocryphal) on an Army board but oh well...
Matelot on Ark Royal in early '90s is hauled before new Captain for Conduct Predudicial to Good Order and Naval Discipline in that he had urinated through the letterbox of an Army Careers Office. Captain asked how he pleaded to which reply was "Guilty Sir!". Captain orders the MAA to take said Matelot outside and suggested he reconsider his plea. After a couple of minutes the matelot comes back in and after the required question pleaded "Not Guilty Sir!". Captain replied "Quite right, charge dismissed - it was a proper place to urinate!". Supposedly went down well with the lads onboard.
On a particularly cold, wet and miserable exercise I managed 5 days without performing a solid waste discharge, courtesy of Biscuits Brown, but my god I felt like I wasa giving birth when I got back to the unit.