Wheres my half telegram?

Here's wishing you ...

  • ... a happy 50th birthday!

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • ... would fcuk off and die under a bush!

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • ... take a bath you smelly deaf old bugger!

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • ... a beer on me!

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
Thought that this might be more appropriate in the Old'n'bold seeing that I is one!

I am now less than 36 hours away from my half telegram; or I would be if the Queen decided fit to send a half telegram to those who have reached their 50th year! C’mon ma’am, even an e-mail would do. Might even make up for not giving me that QGJM which I missed out on despite almost half your reign in service!!! Am I looking forward to my half century? I should be as it’s a day at Twickenham tomorrow imbibing with some old friends followed by a Barbie on Sunday. There’s also a three day secret trip planned for Monday but I am yet privy to the exact agenda; be packed and ready to go on Monday says she!

So why do I face it with such trepidation? Well, it’s not the significance of being 50; after all, 50 is the new 40 what with folk living older and generally being more healthy and active (despite my love of whiskey, brandy and cigars!). But there are other reasons for facing the event with anguish. Mizz K13’s mother has been seriously affected by her MS for a number of years and has been in a nursing home for at least the last 4. She is now in hospital as the disease reaches it’s final and awful stages and it is not known how many days she has left. It’s terrible to see such a grand old lady reduced to nothing more than skin and bone as she uses every last ounce of her strength to fight off this most evil condition.

If that wasn’t enough, then to add to my anguish, my 15 year old boy was beaten senseless on Thursday by a man in his twenties. He’d gone to Norwich with his school drama group on Thursday for an audition which could see them performing at the national theatre. During a break they took advantage of the weather to relax in the park opposite the theatre. Yes, they were skylarking and probably being a bit boisterous but that was no reason for the thug to do what he did. He accused my Sam of upsetting his two children and, before Sam had a chance to explain, punched him in the face and then kicked him in the face whilst he was down. My son was then subjected to a vicious kicking before other members of his group stopped the attack. The thug then gathered his kids (no doubt traumatised) and casually walked off. The paramedics needed to be called and gave treatment to Sam at the scene and the police are now looking for the attacker. My son might be a typical teenager and, like other teenagers, he can be stroppy. But generally he’s a very polite and sensitive lad who lives for his drama and is active in his local church. He’s now sat at home (having been unable to sit the second part of his art GCSE) in shock and with his confidence shot to pieces.

And just to add to the build up to this half century event, my daughter phoned from Germany to let me know that my granddaughter has chicken pox!

So, what am I wishing for on my birthday? First and foremost that Doreen finds an end to her suffering one way or another so that she might regain some dignity and be free from her pain; that my son recovers quickly from the pain and trauma that he has suffered; and that my granddaughter is quickly over the chicken pox.

Oh, and five minutes alone with the ginger headed bully in Norwich would be the ultimate gift!

To get back on track and not fill the whole thread with misery, it’s my 50th birthday on Sunday! So here is the start of my birthday thread that I hope to keep going until Sunday night; to allow you all the opportunity of wishing me a happy birthday, commiserations or for general abuse; it certainly wouldn’t be the ARRSE that I love and enjoy without the old legless jokes! But I would suggest saving the ‘happy birthdays’ for Sunday; you see, I am somewhat of a pessimist and am certain that some tragedy will befall me prior to midnight tomorrow thus preventing me from reaching that milestone!

But, so as to allow the abuse to go ahead (as is your right), I shall post some photos in reflection of my half century … and no, persec has never been an issue with me, too many of you know who I am anyway!
Here's me as a baby with Mum and Dad back in 1959. Not a lot of pictures of me as a baby so I guess I really was that ugly kid ... maybe the midwife really did take one look at me and slap my mother! That said, I find all babies rather ugly resembling a mini-me version of Churchill ... I often wonder whether fathers think their wives have given birth to a litter of bulldogs after a multiple birth!

Dad soon had me in a car, essential if I was to take on the family business although to be fair, it was always a doddle breaking into a convertable!

Me with my first dog and my big brother and sister. A note to parents; don't dress your sons in pink unless you want an outbreak of 'Jarroditis' ... thankfully I got over this early gay moment!

As you can tell from this picture, by the age of 6 I'd already gotten that glint in my eye that clearly stated: 'watch out Moscow'!

I hope you manage to enjoy your birthday very much. I send you a birthday hug. If you are at Twickenham tomorrow, you can receive it in person!

So that's where my car went, I didn't see it after 1956 and I was a Kent kid!

Looking at six zero next year...enjoy youth while you can!
:D :D
It wasn't long before I was back on track and ready to give Ivan the thrashing he so richly deserved. Note that most of the kit worn or carried here certainly qualifies me for the Old'N'Bold!

And I did exlplore my musical aspirations, possibly qualifying as the worst side drummer who ever beat a drum in the Corps!

Happy Birthday when it comes K13eod.

Despite your woes mate, I hope you have great time.

As my auld Grannie used to say in dire times, "as one door closes, another shuts". :D :D

Oh and make sure you get legless!!!!



Book Reviewer
Happy Birthday K13eod. Welcome to the ranks of the fabulous fifties. You'll love it.

The offspring start to be more fun and less of a trial (and my commiserations to your own offspring; I fear for those children if their Dad behaves like that in public!),

There's more time for fun things, like socialising and bears,

and you're wise enough to realise what's important in life and not worry about the rest of it.

Love the photo album too. Had forgotten the halcyon days of the fifties and sixties when clothes were passed down the children regardless of gender (except skirts, of course!).

WTF happened?! you looked like a promising young star in the making and then you went and joined the Engineers! :roll:

F*&*$@# Barsteward who did that to your Son... if you round his details up he needs outing in the Sapper Forum with full contact details...

In some ways I can relate to what your Family is going through as my Wife was diagnosed with MS 4 years ago, I used to do the injections for her using her Combi-Pen type arrangement until I went off on another civvy sandy tour for almost a year and she had to do the injections herself, not so bad for her as she is actually an anaesthetist and she always says it isn't so bad for her having to inject every other day compared to say a diabetic; her symptoms vary from week to week and the shadows on her brain are appearing to be stable and not growing.

On a last note, why on earth would you think the Queen will invent a new 1/2 Telegram Birthday Wish for you, when you have been the thorn in her Governments' side by currently holding the All Time Record for most Petitions started by One person :wink:

Happy Birthday you Old Fart and may you have many more of them, I will have an Ale on you tonight as I have a couple left in the fridge...
All the very best. As a Sam myself, hope he gets over it with no after effects on his confidence and a dignified move into the dark for the dear lady.
I like the idea of posting what is going on as related to a significant event. Of course, they did not have all this electronic stuff when it was MY 50th!
Where is the option for wishing you could grow a new leg?

Happy Birthday you old git.
Have a happy 50th K13eod - I'm nearly at that point myself.

be packed and ready to go on Monday says she!
Are you sure that she ain't kicking you out for a younger model? :D
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