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Where the Iraqi WMDs *really* are!


Mod note: From this point on, all articles from other websites or sources, must be linked/accredited.

At the end of the day, it protects YOU before us


Bearing in mind that the president of the most powerful republic on the planet is, in principle, responsible for his actions and knows what he's talking about, despite his eyes (Have you noticed his eyes? Well, take a good look at them!), I, a Brazilian writer, capable of reading the newspapers with a reasonable degree of intelligence, have come up with the definitive answer to how to locate the weapons of mass destruction being hidden by Iraq.

All the weapons inspectors currently in Iraq should pack their bags, settle their hotel bills and head for Baghdad airport. There, they should buy business-class tickets to Washington. I stress business class so that they have time to rest, since the journey will involve a number of stopovers.

On reaching Washington, they should catch the first bus to the headquarters of the CIA.

Armed with the appropriate UN inspection mandate, they should demand to see all the photos, information and documents being supplied to President George W Bush. These are the documents pinpointing the precise location of each arms cache and which allow Bush to assure us that Iraq has an arsenal capable of destroying the planet.

Once in possession of these documents, they should return to Iraq (again they should fly business class in order to arrive feeling rested) and go immediately to the places indicated in the photos. Unable to deny the evidence, Saddam Hussein will have no option but to destroy his arsenal, for fear that the whole world will turn against him.

If the CIA does not have those documents, the inspectors should go straight to Bush's bedroom .

If Bush fails to co-operate, they should look for the evidence under his bed. If they do not find the evidence there, they should go and see Bush's psychiatrist, having first armed themselves with a mandate from the Security Council and the following question: "Does a son necessarily have to complete his father's work?"

If the answer is affirmative, please tell me at once: my father was a civil engineer and may well have left unfinished projects for his heir to deal with. If the answer is negative, demand that the psychiatrist - on behalf of the UN, the US and the world - prescribe the necessary medication to his patient so that he no longer constitutes a threat to the planet.

Once this, in my view, infallible line of action has been followed, I ask that the billions of dollars that would have been spent on the war be divided up in the following manner:

50% to help the poor in Brazil, since its president is grappling with a huge budget deficit and because the author of this practical guide to weapons of mass destruction is himself Brazilian;

40% to Africa;

9% to Europe, which wavered but had not fallen at the time of going to press; and

1% to pay for a nice biography of British Prime Minister Tony Blair, to be translated into 40 languages, with a hard cover and colour photographs, saying what a great leader he is, how intelligent, important, charismatic, handsome and charming. That should be enough to keep him quiet.

Finally, it is important that I add the following: when speaking about the war, please do not generalise, saying that "the Americans want to attack Iraq". We have made the same mistake before, saying that "the Serbs are butchers", "the Brazilians are lazy", or "the Iranians are fundamentalists".

The people who want to attack Iraq are the politicians surrounding Bush, the Enron orphans. Just as the American people managed to stop the war in Vietnam, they may, when no convincing explanations are forthcoming, manage to persuade Bush's psychiatrist to prescribe a sedative and put an end to this nightmare. - Translated by Margaret Jull Costa
Not a bad idea, then again we could just ask the French and Germans to give us copies of their sales receipts. A lot cheaper and much more accurate.


I wouldn't waste a whole 1% on Bluurs book, You would only have to pay for the PULPING when they don't sell!
look how upsetting Alan Partridge found that! ;D ;)

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