Where can my lad get really beasted?

#41
But there are a number of things going on here I believe...

1) and most importantly, he thinks he can live at his mates indefinitely, when in actual fact his mates mum is a single mum with three of her own kids!

2) He is the one accusing me of awful things. I rely on my reputation for work and if I lose that my wife and daughter will suffer.

3) I don't know how else to fix it without hurting someone. He has started this, so he needs to be the one to pay the price. Surely he needs to understand that actions have consequences? At 16 I did!

No. he has made such disgraceful accusations against me, he needs to understand that saying things like that have real consequences.

At the very least a copper will sot him down, show him pictures of what real abuse looks like and gives him a warning for wasting police time.

He is welcome home anytime and I love him dearly, but there are some limits that simply overstep the mark, surely.

He is legally an adult and if he wants to accuse me of such egregious acts and then spend a few days laughing about it to his mates simply to get their approval, then he needs to see their are consequences.
It sounds like he wants your attention.
Ignore him for the moment and communicate with him on your terms.
If you are as good of a parent as you suggest, then he will come around. It is important that you ignore his antics.
 
#42
Some good replies and some, well, let's be generous and say some delivered by the Joey Deacon Emulators Society.

Anyway, he is stopping away at his mates again. Apparently he has had a great day with his mate and assorted friends bad mouthing me and playing computer games.

For the record he has accused me of physically abusing him. I asked his mates mum to check for bruises and asked her if her own son had ever said to his mum, "that XXX was covered in bruises when we got changed for games today"

She said no. I have never hit either of my kids except for spanking then when naughty as young children. I have never laid a finger on him for the best part of a decade.

I have made my mind up that tomorrow I will go round to his mates house and tell my son to either come home or get in the car and we will go to the police station and I will let him make whatever accusations against me that he likes. I will make my statements under caution and give the police whatever authority they want to discuss his claims with all of his past schools, doctors, friends, and hospital visits (two! One when he trapped his own fingers in a door when I wasn't there, and one for suspected appendicitis years ago).

He will either back down in front of his mate and his mates mum, or he will have to make a call by himself whether or not to lie to a police officer when the facts and evidence won't back his claims up.

The thing is, all his mates - and I do mean all - come from broken homes. He doesn't, and I do wonder if he's trying to engineer something so he can claim that sort of background, or worse, that his dad beat him up. Which I have not and I will happily be examined on that!

**** it.

I have a daughter who I am proud of and if he wants to lie for attention that's up to him.

He can stand up in front of a police officer and ultimately a judge and make his claim. I will avail myself of the legal system and have my day in court to defend my honour, my reputation, and my good name.
By doing that, you are engaging him and giving him the opportunity to get the attention he wants. Don't engage on his terms. Simple as that.

Go buy yourself a boat or a motorbike or take up a hobby. Put your efforts into that, and not fighting him. Right now, he want you to be a cnut to him so he can say "look what I've had to put up with, and here's how I faced the båstard down". DOn't give him that opportunity.

In your shoes (and I've been in them, believe me), I would simply not engage. Let him stay at his mates, let him do what he thinks he needs to do to get through this spurt of ball-hair growth or whatever it is. Above all, don't say, or do, anything which will be hard to reverse later. Just keep the high road and it will be OK.
 
#43
So my son, 16 a few weeks ago, went off on one today and decided he was leaving home.

Me and his mum have done everything for him, and my daughter. She is twenty and a medical student.

When my son shouted he was frightened of me in case I beat him up, my daughter pushed me to the floor and went for him! Seriously my wife held her back! He was backing away from her!

Just for the record, I haven't hit my kids ever. I spanked him about ten years ago, but then I decided that shite wasn't and never really did anything positive so I stopped and just focused on making them see what was wrong with whatever they did.

But he seems to think this is the worst possible home. A nice, middle class home, with whatever he wanted provided! A sharp-elbowed parents, who got him into a good secondary school. Ffs I gave him a gibson SG for his birthday! For my sixteenth I got a ZX81 and a talk about how my mum and dad couldn't keep me forever!

My medical student daughter thinks he may have some underlying Oedopiceal condition!

Anyway. My son has said if he doesn't get his gcse grades- which he will because he's clever- he wants to join the army. So I want to know what he can join that will really make it clear just what he's leaving! If he sticks it I will shake his hand and tell him that he is a better man than I am! Seriously I really mean that.

I don't know why he hates me. He stood in the middle of his mates house earlier and said F you I'm not coming home. I lost it and gripped him and shoved him into my car! I have apologised to the mum of his friend, but I love my son and want him home. But if he wants to really leave home I want him to be safe, and yet realise just what his mum and me have done for him.

So... where can I somehow direct him so he will be beasted within an inch of his ******* life, so basically he knows exactly what real life is all about?

I want somewhere that after six weeks he will be on the phone to his mum to beg her to fetch him! And after two months he will be on the phone to me to forgive him everything if he pays to get him released?

As I say, if he gets through it I will call a better man than I.
It might have something to do with your propensity for the use of exclamation marks.

If you are always on permanent send on the drama radio he might be feeling that he has to act out in order to get noticed.
 
#44
He can stand up in front of a police officer and ultimately a judge and make his claim. I will avail myself of the legal system and have my day in court to defend my honour, my reputation, and my good name.
This isn't a matter for the courts. If something reported in a Police Station leads to the belief that an offence has been committed, it's for the CPS to decide if and how to move the case along and I don't think for a moment that they would have any truck with what you have described. The courts are stretched enough as it is.

When I was at Law School many moons ago, I spent a fair bit of time at one of the Inns of Court and one of the barristers there gave me a piece of advice which was that, if someone should ever say to me that he/she was going to insist on "having his/her day in court", no matter what the reality of the situation might be, I should do everything in my power to send them on their merry way for their own good.

Please don't dwell on the possibility of "defending your honour, reputation and good name". Reporting in the press gives many people the idea that the chance to do this exists for everyone, but the cases where honour, reputation and good name are involved are generally exceptional and extremely expensive cases involving public figures.

I think that the solution to what is happening to you and it's a situation for which I have a lot of sympathy won't lie with the Police and it definitely won't lie with the courts. I'm not sure quite what will work best, but I am wondering whether you could take your son away for a weekend, just the two of you, to somewhere where you can do something active. I imagine, by the way, that it must be quite hard to be a lad of his age, going through the travails of adolescence and know that you have a sister who is a little older than you and 'a complete star', especially if he isn't strong academically.

I suspect that this is about a lad whose self esteem needs improving and the answer to what is happening at the moment might well lie in your capacity as his father to help him improve this lack of self esteem and feel that he is valued, loved and a worthwhile person.
 
#47
It might have something to do with your propensity for the use of exclamation marks.

If you are always on permanent send on the drama radio he might be feeling that he has to act out in order to get noticed.

God forbid he doesn't feel the need to abuse the generally accepted constricts of punctuation!!!


OP, you haven't done anything wrong.

You'll work it out. Next week, next month, next year. But you'll work it out.

I lived in fear about being murdered by my father. And to be fair, I did come within inches of dying on the odd occasion.

'Tis but a scratch!

Hold them close. You're the boss!
 
#48
#50
By doing that, you are engaging him and giving him the opportunity to get the attention he wants. Don't engage on his terms. Simple as that.

Go buy yourself a boat or a motorbike or take up a hobby. Put your efforts into that, and not fighting him. Right now, he want you to be a cnut to him so he can say "look what I've had to put up with, and here's how I faced the båstard down". DOn't give him that opportunity.

In your shoes (and I've been in them, believe me), I would simply not engage. Let him stay at his mates, let him do what he thinks he needs to do to get through this spurt of ball-hair growth or whatever it is. Above all, don't say, or do, anything which will be hard to reverse later. Just keep the high road and it will be OK.
@deanol , I'm not a dad but I think @Northern_Biff and @Roadster280 have a point here. Think about the kids that hold their breath until they turn blue to try and force their parents to react. There are many ways of rebellion. Competition or some kind of friendly challenge would be better. Ultimately it's his choice to make mistakes. Painful as it may be. In the 90's we learned of Richard Feynman. Now we have Jordan Peterson. I'm thinking if you try getting your son to read or listen to Peterson he may do the opposite. If you happened to be watching or reading some of his relevant material, your enthusiasm might get a negative reaction. If you appeared to pooh pooh the material, there is a possibility he just might pick up on that and watch and / or read the material try to learn more to show you up.

@Northern_Biff and @Roadster280 - any thoughts on that?
 
#52
@deanol , I'm not a dad but I think @Northern_Biff and @Roadster280 have a point here. Think about the kids that hold their breath until they turn blue to try and force their parents to react. There are many ways of rebellion. Competition or some kind of friendly challenge would be better. Ultimately it's his choice to make mistakes. Painful as it may be. In the 90's we learned of Richard Feynman. Now we have Jordan Peterson. I'm thinking if you try getting your son to read or listen to Peterson he may do the opposite. If you happened to be watching or reading some of his relevant material, your enthusiasm might get a negative reaction. If you appeared to pooh pooh the material, there is a possibility he just might pick up on that and watch and / or read the material try to learn more to show you up.

@Northern_Biff and @Roadster280 - any thoughts on that?
I'm old school. Jordan Peterson (PBUH) has nothing to do with this. It's a straightforward kid-with-new-hairs-on-balls vs Dad thing. Henry VIII and Julius Caesar will have had to deal with the same shit.

Keep the high road, set expectations and that's it. Shit, we've all been in the Army, right? Same gig with NIGs. Either as a NIG oneself, or as an NCO dealing with them.

It's not pleasant going through it, but the outcome can be - depending on how much damage is done going through the process.
 
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#53
I'm old school. Jordan Peterson (PBUH) has nothing to do with this. It's a straightforward kid-with-new-hairs-on-balls vs Dad thing. Henry VIII and Julius Casear will have had to deal with the same shit.
I wouldn't know about that myself. Broken family.

Keep the high road, set expectations and that's it.
Shit, we've all been in the Army, right?
Er.. Nope Should know better than that :)

Same gig with NIGs. Either as a NIG oneself, or as an NCO dealing with them.

It's not pleasant going through it, but the outcome can be - depending on how much damage is done going through the process.
 
#55
#56
There is no other solution. He makes his claim and I get to defend myself. That is what he thinks he wants. Or rather that is what he wants to tell his mates!

I fully intend to call his bluff.
I'd avoid that route. No smoke without fire and all that. Might be costly too. And it may backfire given the police and cps constant 'cock ups' in handling defence evidence.
 
#57
But there are a number of things going on here I believe...

1) and most importantly, he thinks he can live at his mates indefinitely, when in actual fact his mates mum is a single mum with three of her own kids!

2) He is the one accusing me of awful things. I rely on my reputation for work and if I lose that my wife and daughter will suffer.

3) I don't know how else to fix it without hurting someone. He has started this, so he needs to be the one to pay the price. Surely he needs to understand that actions have consequences? At 16 I did!

No. he has made such disgraceful accusations against me, he needs to understand that saying things like that have real consequences.

At the very least a copper will sot him down, show him pictures of what real abuse looks like and gives him a warning for wasting police time.

He is welcome home anytime and I love him dearly, but there are some limits that simply overstep the mark, surely.

He is legally an adult and if he wants to accuse me of such egregious acts and then spend a few days laughing about it to his mates simply to get their approval, then he needs to see their are consequences.
the days of Dixon of dock green are over. You'll be another stat to bang up.
 
#58
Make him a member of Arrse, , if he survives that , he should make it.
I am still going though it with mine, he can be as kind as thump, but turns on a sixpence and he is in his 40s
 
#60
He needs the penis.
He needs taking to the local massage parlour to blow hs spuds up some cheap East European hoor. Show him there's more to life than his mates and computer games.
 

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