When that day finally comes, what will YOU do?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by chrisg46, Jul 31, 2006.

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  1. chrisg46

    chrisg46 LE Book Reviewer

    While driving to work this morning while listening to the esteemed Chris Moyles, the subject of discussion was that of fathers meeting the boyfriend of their daughter for the first time, and the fun that could ensue. One suggestion was to get all the other members of the household to sit on the sofa and stare at him without saying a word. Another one was to sit cleaning a shotgun while engaging him in conversation about your axe collection.
    At this point the mrs to be turned to me and said, "i can see you being a right git to our daughter." I struggled to control the car as i came to terms with this prediction. Firstly, I always thought i was a big softie really. Secondly, DAUGHTER?? Wtf??? when did that happen (no, she wasnt trying to tell em something thank god!)

    Anyway, how did/will you treat the young love of your precious daughter? Give him a matey nudge and wink a la monty python before making sure they are undisturbed for as long as they like in her bedroom? Or will you sit in the corner staring without blinking with only a facial tic to show you can actually move, and growl quietly whenever he says something?

    Alternatively, how did your potential father in law treat you before you turned his princess to the dark side?
  2. When my daughter brings home her first boyriend I will show him how best to bring her to orgasm...... then make him taste her off me.

    If he isn't up to scratch and I don't see her pupils dilate like they do when I'm mounting her I will beat him to death with an ice cream scoop.
  3. If he is a squaddie I will beat him to death.

  4. This is what you get from a 'care in the community' policy I suppose.

    Besides I hear your daughter is too busy doing favours for sailors down pompey way to get home much.
  5. I believe she's only three so getting down to Pompey may be beyond her although MDN swears by her head giving capabilites :D
  6. My worst experience ever as a young medical student was the GF of the times father (a Brigadier) asking me what in Gods name made me think I was in any way good enough for his daughter?

    Funnily enough after I gave him an answer that didn't involve me whimpering in the corner we became good friends. He only died last year. A great man.
  7. id probably sit there cleaning a weapon of some sort be it a shotgun /sword.
    Giving the thousand yard stare and generally ignoring everyone, however occasionally casting a glance at him. When I do catch his eye I would quite simply blow him a kiss. That should make the randy little git run a mile.
    If not I would ask the question that all young men should fear.
    'So what are your intentions'
    If he cant answer Id throw more difficult questions at him make him feel really uncomfortable until he fecks off.
    I stick to the thought of 'I know what their gonna do/have done I dont need it advertised to me so I dont give a sh#t as long as he treat her well'
    Otherwise he would lose the use of his legs.
    Im protective what can I say. I know what I was like and thats enough to make me worried for my daughter.
    On the other hand my Father in law was pretty sound. he didnt say much for about a year though. I think he was waiting for the squaddie to come out in me.
    And his first full conversation with me?

    'I know what you lot can be like' (In broad Irish accent)
    'what do you mean?'

    'when I was in the army............'

    Got along great ever since although my initial reaction was 'SH#T'
  8. only one briefing needs to be given..

    I am not your mate,pal, or dad, I may not even like you. but it is my daughters choice, i am very protective.
    "try insert any piece of your body into my daughters, you had better have
    1. her permission
    2 be prepared to suffer any consequences

    3. do anything to harm her and I will be your consequence.....
    2 have suffered that already :lol:
  9. Alternatively it could be possible to ask what he does for a living.

    If he says "doctor" I will kill him with my bare hands.
  10. agreed.
  11. Give him a 50 page questionaire / test on a clipboard and pen tied to it with a piece of string.

    Tell him he has 20 minutes to answer the questions pass rate is 98%

    Tell him failure will mean he will be handed a mess wembley and one round ....... Then tell him to start the test if he thinks he is good enough for your daughter.

    J :)
  12. second (or third) -ed.
  13. man i am dreading this day coming and my wee lassie is only one

    i think though in my heart of hearts i would make his life very very difficult

    what else are dads for if not to protect their kids from muppets

  14. I can't remember where I first saw this, but allegedly written by a US Army sergeant:

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
  15. Application Form for permission to go out with daughter:

    Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, and medical report from your doctor.

    Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
    Date Of Birth:____/____/____ height:______ Weight:______ I.Q.:______
    National Insurance number:______-___-_______
    Driver's License#____________________
    Boy Scout Rank:_____________Good Standing: Yes_____No_____
    Home Address:_______________________________
    Home Phone: (___)___________ Mobile#:_______________
    Do you own
    a. Van?____
    b. Truck with oversized tires?____
    c. Car with a boot full of speakers?_____

    Do you have any of the following:
    a. An earring_____
    b. nose ring______
    c. belly button ring_____
    or piercings on any other body parts_____

    (If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue and leave the premises immediately.)

    In 30 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? ________________________________________________________________

    In 30 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? ________________________________________________________________

    Church you attend_____________________ How often______________________
    Best time to interview your priest?_______________________

    Fill In The Blank. Please answer freely, all answers will be confidential.
    a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want to be broken broken is: ____________________________________________________
    b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is ____________________________________________________
    c. Now answer the question you filled in on B ____________________________________________________

    NOTE: If you have answered any of the previous questions dishonestly (and I will find out), discontinue application. It is advised that you leave the premises quickly keeping your head low and running in zig-zag fashion.

    I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers.

    Signature (This means sign your name)

    Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 YEARS for processing. If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. Please do not call or write, this could cause you unexpected injury.

    If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties and answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE.