When is the correct time to fart infront of a new bird ?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by 58_Pattern, Aug 25, 2006.

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  1. I have this new bird and yesterday let a wee rip (quiet) out from my tweeter. I am not sure if she heard me as we were outdoors. When did you guys first drop an air biscuit infront of your bird ?
  2. Nehustan

    Nehustan On ROPs

    First time she takes you home to meet her parents, time it just after the main course of the Sunday roast, with a slight lean to the right to allow for control, tone, and pitch. Failing this the first time she puts her head under the duvet. :twisted:
  3. It doesn't matter when you guff in front of her, all birds are secretly aroused by breaking wind..... You should however prepare yourself for the first time you follow her into the bathroom or the first time you watch her face contort as Bachs best erupts from her delicate trump tube.

    You could start a diary for the future kids / grandkids with relationship firsts... ie.

    1. First time you nailed / plated her on the blob
    2. First time you licked her apple and poked her farthole
    3. First time you treated her to a dutch over
    4. First time you tried on her undies.
    5. Try and capture the look of horror on yoru face the first time you leave a skid mark on the bedding when she's been riding you for twenty minutes.

    She will keep a similar book about first time you told her you loved her and a petal from the first flowers you sent but I gaurantee you book will be the better read
  4. Timing is everything, try and hold it back till you've just emptied the 'Splatmaster 2000' into her mouth. It'll make it a memorable occasion for her.
  5. If you carry on farting like a girl, it's only a matter of time before she ditches you my friend.

    The ladies like a confident man, so put some effort into your next guff and then look her straight in the eyes and smile confidently - before she becomes your ex :wink:
  6. When your kicking her back doors in let one off and blame it on her
  7. The moment you carry her over the threshhold. It just slips out!
  8. The best time my friend is when you are confident of making an impression. Do a girlie fart and she'll dump you, wait until your guts are full of putrified gurgling gas and let rip one of those where you lie back and think "fcuk me is that the smelliest one ever done or what".

    If she loves you, she'll high-5 with you every time your bottom burps.
  9. Do it sooner rather than later. Just get it out of the way.
  10. while in the 69 position but can be dangerous if she takes offence or has a bad gag reflex :D
  11. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Why not just act the proper gentleman and let her go first for once.
  12. when you orgasm, just to see if a human being deflates!!!

    loud and proud, only metrosexuals don't fart, be a real man
  13. Make sure you're on top though. A golden guff should not be spoiled by her running out of the room gagging. So be on top so you can pin her down while introducingnher to the waft of your rear innerds. She will thank you for it in the long run. And if you shoot your load at the exact same moment you can mix romance too.
  14. I can't believe you are posting this thread. Be a man!!

    Just ask 'Loud or quiet?'

    and then whatever she answers, do that! Simple!


    tell her to put her hand down your back pocket and trump!


    Ask her to pull your finger and then trump!

    If she doesn't laugh at any of those, just trump again loud and smelly and then bin her!

    I really should be more ladylike :-(
  15. Nehustan

    Nehustan On ROPs

    Oh they fart, they just blame it on someone else.