When is it right and proper to sh*t yourself?

#1
1)the morning after having drunk a bottle of glenfiddich neat, and taken 6 of the most powerful painkillers available

2)as your blazing, freshly SAM-hit C-130 ammo resup aircraft plummets towards a known minefield, during a blizzard

3)on being coated in barbecue sauce and sealed into a 44 gallon drum full of rabid wolverines, which is then set alight and kicked off the top of Mt. Everest

4)waking up hungover, wearing one condom, with another hanging out of your arrse, with george dubya on one side, and amy winehouse on the other

5)on reading this topic

6)on meeting mdn in a dark alley, while he's wearing his gimp suit

7)on changing positions inside your centurion tank during the vietnam war, and accidentally firing an 84mm/20 pdr canister round
 
#2
Giving birth.............
(although I avoided this - my friend however did not)

When someone is moochin about in the exit only area, and it's unwanted attention.

That's the best I can come up with

When you need amo to fire at the next door neighbours who have been partying all night.
(I thought this through the other night - barstewards)

PBS X
 
#4
When in 4 Romeo and needing a poo. If you've ever wanted to try shitting yourself as an adult its the perfect excuse.
 
#5
When you have been on it all day with your mate in Blackpool drinking pints of Vodka and redbull, and had fcuk all to eat.

Then get on fairground ride and in the open car behind you, have two young kids sat directly behind. As I projectile squirted shat all out my pants and it was splattering all over the kids behind me at mac 10.

The parents were clearly livid, as the kids were covered in my recycled ruby murray with the loudest screams that they were about to die and the ride continued for a futher 3 mins.

The pikeys controlling the ride were p1ssing themselves whereas I was dying of embarassment, and of dehydration. The smell of shat was wafting around this rotary ride for all bystanders. Two of which were eating chips, and clearly ended up vomming all uber the platz from my anal curry sauce!

I was just dribbling in awe as my friends dragged me to the nearest taxi, not before they threw me in the seafront to clean my shatty underpants and shirt, I was the NCO IC Baggage Party that day!!!!!!!!!
 
#6
bitterandtwisted said:
When you have been on it all day with your mate in Blackpool drinking pints of Vodka and redbull, and had fcuk all to eat.

Then get on fairground ride and in the open car behind you, have two young kids sat directly behind. As I projectile squirted shat all out my pants and it was splattering all over the kids behind me at mac 10.

The parents were clearly livid, as the kids were covered in my recycled ruby murray with the loudest screams that they were about to die and the ride continued for a futher 3 mins.

The pikeys controlling the ride were p1ssing themselves whereas I was dying of embarassment, and of dehydration. The smell of shat was wafting around this rotary ride for all bystanders. Two of which were eating chips, and clearly ended up vomming all uber the platz from my anal curry sauce!

I was just dribbling in awe as my friends dragged me to the nearest taxi, not before they threw me in the seafront to clean my shatty underpants and shirt, I was the NCO IC Baggage Party that day!!!!!!!!!

Woooaaahhh ha ha ha

Shoulders . . . . . . . up and down . . . cant stop them . . ..

Excellent!
 
#7
When threatened with "action" by a big man
 
#9
Whenever you just can't be bothered to do it anywhere else.

When unable to do it anywhere else.
 
#10
When you find out you're running the Para Reg bar and the beer wagon's broken down outside Crewe.
 
#11
anytime at all - because you can
 
#16
Any time is a good time. Women fcuking love it when you have excrement running down your legs and congealing around your bollox, gives them something to talk about when they're in the pub bogs.
 
#17
When you've been captured by TWSBs and don't fancy becoming the receptacle for half a pint of HIV infected jizz from several dozen donors.
Apparently, its a great deterrent to enforced sodomy, especially if you scoop it out of your shreddies and smear it liberally all over your body.
Noduff.
 
#18
When someone has a gun pointing at your head?
 
#19
See the thread where The Cheerful Subbie started tucking into a 24hr ration pack, 1975 vintage.
 

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