Whats the worst thing youve done when drunk?

I'm a crim defence lawyer. Tell me about your crimes whilst under the influence. Riches beyond the dreams of avarice for the winner... as well as a life sentence without parole :p
DrSauce said:
I'm a crim defence lawyer.

I've always considered lawers to be criminals, nice to see one admit it.

I deny any criminal activity while drunk. I only get drunk after, or possibly during, my criminal activities.

All of which I deny, can't prove it. no witnesses.
I cuffed a copper when p1shed. I have my own criminal defence lawyer. He was pleased to get me off for a fee of only £500 :(
Lawyers are wonderful people. Caring, beautiful souls who see the lighter side of life. I'm sure that all users of ARRSE can appreciate that.

My advice is to make "no comment"... for the rest of your life.

P.S. Wife beater is good for criminal activity. Drink now and pay later.
Where to start??? I think you should break this thread down into categories:

In camp
On tour
Pre service
Post service

I'm sure people on here might well be able to fill out one or more of the above!

Here's mine:

In camp: First week of posting with 9/12L in Hohne, woke up running in the snow, (Which was a shock as I try not to run sober!) at stupid o'clock in the morning, ripped trousers, covered in blood with hundreds of metal ans wooden splinters around the groin area! (Looked like i'd tried to shag a barbed-wire fence!) :lol: Traced footsteps back in snow, two footprints in the middle of nowhere still no idea how I got there or what i'd been doing! Managed to get to bed, unfortunately not my block - sorry whoever's bed it was - luckily they didn't wake up! :p Finally found my block 2 1/2 hours later! (Took two weeks to pull all the splinters out!)

On tour: Northern Ireland; Drinking all day, called to work, trying to cycle from Clooney to Ebrington after a skinful and knocking over a Copper at full speed. He didn't see the funny side! :x

Leave/Holiday: Drinking Baileys, Absinthe and Tequila cocktails in the grounds of some manor house - got locked in a room, so I smashed the door through, took me ages big thick oak job - should of tried pulling instead of pushing - Oops! :?

Pre service; Getting drunk and signing up.

Post service; Getting drunk and signing back up. (Waiting on MCM now! :p )

It's not a lawyer you need CC - it's fecking psychiatric help ;)
GDav said:
It's not a lawyer you need CC - it's fecking psychiatric help ;)
Funny that, you're not the first to suggest it!

Medic type thing on Agricola said I'd need to see someone when I finish the tour in the next few weeks to sort out any 'issues' arising from it. I smiled and informed him I'd only been there three weeks and had brought all my 'problems' with me! :D



Book Reviewer
On Leave........MiB had one of those rare "I am mentally sober but my body is drunk." experiences......most bewildering to see the kerb rising up to meet you but being unable to do anything about it.

On Adventure Training......a small camp in the Brecons.....MiB remembers ordering a bottle of wine in the bar on return to camp after the pubs closed. The next morning MiB got out of bed and stood in a puddle of urine....MiB uttered a shout of "Which filthy bar-steward p1ss3d on the floor?"......half a dozen voices shouted "YOU!"....another blokes jeans were in my puddle...I tried to accuse him of trespass but he didn't see the funny side.
Worst thing? Relative to what?!

We'll all no doubt have pissed in our or indeed a comrade's locker. Sinks don't count as bad, they count as en suite.

Unsuitable sexual liaisons: Too numerous to mention but I feel shagging the (married) prop forward/bar-maid at an Aldershot area rugby club, while she had a full leg cast on is up there. Definitely. Or the night I dropped in on an old flame before heading off to the Balkans, shagged her on her sitting room floor and then drank her old man's duty free Hine, the last which he witnessed! you could tell he was edgy but he was also a cowardly freak so I got away with it.

Stealing things/trophy hunting: A phone box. A stuffed tiger. A sedan chair. All later returned...more or less.

Thoughtless acts of vandalism: Packing the ante-room chairs at Bovington into the lift in such a way that a Krypton Factor of 11 was required to get them out. Unfortunately when we packed them in our KF was about 12 but the following morning it had fallen to sub-zero...Pushing a piano out of the french doors at Bulford, only to discover there was no patio just a six foot drop. Split eight ways, not sooo bad.

Violent conduct: Lumping a drunken Scouse scally who somehow got all the sympathy, despite his being the provocation, dueto his wearing a Santa Claus suit. Really. In Weymouth. In a taxi queue. I don't think I need to draw a picture...splatch gunning the Bishop of Durham, his wife and assorted clerics and then getting the blame put on another band of evil splatch-gunning students. Actually I felt quite bad about that one for about a day, until one of them put a fire-extinguisher hose through my key-hole, turned it on and walked away...


Falling off a dutch fishmongers' roof into a flower bed-that hurt

the absolute worst thing?....she was called Debbie


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
The morning after the night before, picture for MOD90 taken.

Memories made to last so that anybody on the gate could laugh at what a real hangover looks like!


Posted on ARRSE
Got drunk once made a right errse of myself and I have never done the deed again.I learned ma lesson boeys.

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