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What's the best worst lie you've told or heard?

Yokel

LE
It is perfectly safe.
I'll pay you back tommorow.
Easy to assemble.
Of course are records are accurate.
In six years I never had a breakdown, it goes like a dream.
This won't hurt.
You don't need an anesthetic.
The happiest days of your life...
I'll be in touch first thing.
Fun size.
Fun run.
 

Themanwho

LE
Book Reviewer
'Investors in People'.
What a load of old shite...
When I was the Brigade Tiffy in Londonderry, the BEME (lovely bloke, even shorter than me, and dyslexic - I had to proof read everything he wrote) changed the footer of the ES Branch letterhead to read "Investors in Paperwork". No one noticed.
 

Brisman33

Swinger
Of course I love you.
I'll just put it against you, I won't put it inside.
You're the first one since I arrived here.
I'll call you later.
 

Deece

Clanker
I'm just going out for a quick pint
images-1.jpg
 

Poppycock

Old-Salt
This has got to be up there with "WMDs ready in 45mins" & the grand-daddy lie of them all - "9/11 was planned in Afghanistan by Osama bin Laden"

It's quite unreal the shit they feed us & how easily we swallow it
 

Yokel

LE
I, Dr Arthur Braine, Consultant Psychiatrist, do hereby state that Mr Poppycock is of sound mind and free from psychiatric defects and obsessions. He is safe to be released in the community having learnt to differentiate between film characters and plots and real life. He no longer hears the voices.

Dr A Braine, Broadmoor.
 

Poppycock

Old-Salt
I, Dr Arthur Braine, Consultant Psychiatrist, do hereby state that Mr Poppycock is of sound mind and free from psychiatric defects and obsessions. He is safe to be released in the community having learnt to differentiate between film characters and plots and real life. He no longer hears the voices.

Dr A Braine, Broadmoor.
That's a coincidence, Dr A Braine also signed off Captain Fred Holroyd's incorrect sectioning and the evidence that wrongly convicted Captain Colin Wallace of murder.

Can't teach an old dog new tricks eh?

Fortunately the world & the information age has moved on even if the British military is still living in the mindset of the old Raj, 70 odd years after that boat sailed.
 
Bloke went scuba diving and he said he saw something on the bottom of the sea, it was a submarine so he went for a closer look. When he got there he said there was a bloke waving at him through one of the portholes/windows ushering him over. When he got there the sailor gestured to the front of of sub where a torpedo was hanging out, so this bloke lifted it up and pushed it back in, the sailor gave him the thumbs up and he went on his merry way. absolute bollocks
 
Bloke went scuba diving and he said he saw something on the bottom of the sea, it was a submarine so he went for a closer look. When he got there he said there was a bloke waving at him through one of the portholes/windows ushering him over. When he got there the sailor gestured to the front of of sub where a torpedo was hanging out, so this bloke lifted it up and pushed it back in, the sailor gave him the thumbs up and he went on his merry way. absolute bollocks
I didn't know DMB could dive.

Was it an East German sub?
 
You are on Summer increment at BATUS Beagle , you'll be away from mid April until the start of September

My fucking arse !!!

left on Valentines day and got home beginning of December
 
This has got to be up there with "WMDs ready in 45mins" & the grand-daddy lie of them all - "9/11 was planned in Afghanistan by Osama bin Laden"

It's quite unreal the shit they feed us & how easily we swallow it
It's right on up there with your lies that you went out on the piss with the 9/11 terrorists.

Sent from my SM-G975F using Tapatalk
 

Themanwho

LE
Book Reviewer
GA wasn't in the army. I have knowledge from volunteers that he was not in the army. He was never convicted of membership either. The republicans claiming him as one are mostly dissos.
And he loved his Ma and only sanctioned the murder of bad guys. Keep going and you could almost beat Bugsy.
 

Chef

LE
Sort of the reverse but not worth a thread of its own;

Back in the 80s there was a crepe stall in Hampstead which did quality scoff and the owner one Edward de Mesquite was due to appear on the Russell Harty show. A couple of mates of mine had mentioned that Harty was an unpleasant character and had managed to get barred from most London gay clubs including Heaven, which was quite a feat apparently.

I warned Edward that Harty wasn't a nice person and the immediate response was:

'Did you say that because he's gay?'

I didn't say 'Some of my best friends are gay' just that that's what I'd heard.

I watched the show Edward did his slot and at the end Harty appeared with a large frying pan and insisted on tossing one of the crepes while the end credits rolled.

The next day as I scoffed another crepe it emerged that Harty had wanted Edward to dress in striped jumper and beret, no way was Edward dressing up as a Breton smuggler for anyone so chef's whites were agreed on.

The crepe tossing finale was Harty's idea and he sprang it on the crew and Edward which miffed Edward no end, he said of the incident.

'You were right, he's not very nice'.

I didn't say:

'Told you so!'

I can be quite saintly sometimes.
 

RedDinger

Old-Salt
GA wasn't in the army. I have knowledge from volunteers that he was not in the army. He was never convicted of membership either. The republicans claiming him as one are mostly dissos.
The fact that you use the term "volunteers" and "army" to describe terrorists and gangsters tells us all we need to know about you.
 
Gerry was not part of the West Belfast battalion. I have information from the Murph, that he was not. Many Brits assume that since he was a high ranking shinner he was, if you have evidence then please present it. What battalion was he in? I have info from convicted members that he wasn't part of the company in his immediate area, so he must've belonged to another so-called unit. Which was it?
Not you again! Why do you keep coming back?
 

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