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What's the best worst lie you've told or heard?

OneTenner

LE
Book Reviewer
You know the sort of thing, 'Oh, the car? yer, the Porche is having the wheels buffed' when all you ever see them in is a 1.2 Corsa...
Things like 'the cheque is in the post', 'I won't spunk in your mouth' etc. are a given, My initial contribution:-
In 1969 the American space programme was in full flow, the world was fascinated with it - as was I. I remember watching Apollo11 whenever it was on TV, usually at stupid O'clock in the morning with special dispensation from my parents - made all the more special by being on an old (even then!) 405 line TV... Anyway, at school one day just after Apollo 12 had returned to Earth, we were being asked in class what our parents did for a living and what we'd like to do - all the other kids Dads had way better jobs than mine (He was CS) so after the Firemen, Policemen, Builders, Joiners, Bakers, Undertakers etc. It got round to my turn where I proudly announced that my Dad was a Trainee Astronaut - my reasoning was that it'd trump everyone else, he wouldn't be 'known' in the news as he was 'still a trainee' and I could probably quietly drop it when he didn't pass training...
The stunned silence in the classroom was my reward - until the teacher asked if I was sure - which I was.
Until she pointed out that Astronaut's were exclusively American, maybe I meant Cosmonaut? and if I did, is he Russian?...
So then, in front of the rest of the class, I had to explain what my Dad really did, as I didn't really know much other than 'stuff for the Government', that's what came out. The comment from the teacher of 'there's no shame in being a Civil Servant' really didn't help, all the rest of the class heard was 'Servant'. I'm sure you can imagine how that went!

Over to you!
 
Just the tip I promise...
 

RBMK

LE
Book Reviewer
DaManBugs is king of the whopper.

"I've got a Desert Eagle in a safe deposit box in Switzerland"
"I ran 100m in 10.04 / 10.4 seconds"
"I frequently freely crossed the GDR/WG border"
"I saw the camorra off my drug dealing patch"

Close thread
 
DaManBugs is king of the whopper.

"I've got a Desert Eagle in a safe deposit box in Switzerland"
"I ran 100m in 10.04 / 10.4 seconds"
"I frequently freely crossed the GDR/WG border"
"I saw the camorra off my drug dealing patch"

Close thread
I can beat all of those in just 6 words.







I believe every word he says.
 
I won't cum in your mouth

Cheque is in the post

We're right behind you H
 

syrup

LE
As Duty MT Shift one night gets an outside call

Good evening this is Lincolnshire Police do you have a Black Ford Escort Estate registration **^^**
Quick check through the fleet board, nah not one of hours any reason why.
It's on it's roof in a field near Sleaford.
Leave your number I'll have a ring round.

A quick ring to a large fighter base nearby
Yes it's one of ours why do you ask
It's upside down in a field near Sleaford, Lincs nick have been on to check on the driver.

He's gone to bed ill Fu%^ing kill the twat

Turned out he'd rolled it got out booked in the mileage on the work ticket and hitched a lift back to camp
Arrived back and casually dropped the keys and paperwork off with a cheery nothing to report.

MT Cpl has spent all night writing into the Occurrence book "Nothing to report"
 
When I was about 8, 2nd year of Junior School at any rate, our teacher, the headmaster’s wife and a stern woman, produced a pair of Spanish maracas (it’s been pointed out that I mean castanets at this point!) one day in class. She asked various members of the class if they knew what they were, with varying degrees of success.
Then when she got the answer she wanted, she asked if anyone knew how to play them. I don’t know why to this day, but my hand shot up!
I had been lucky enough as a kid to holiday in Spain, early in the 70’s. I’d seen Spanish flamenco dancers using them and as she invited me to come and demonstrate to the class how to play them, I was desperately thinking back to my time in Spain.
I struggled to even get the bloody things onto my fingers in any way that resembled the correct technique, in the end I resorted to just banging the two halves together using the string in the middle, with no technique or beat I soon had my fellow class mates in howls of laugher and ridicule. As I returned to my seat, red faced and feeling stupid, the words from Mrs. Johnson rang across the room, “Sit down you idiot boy!”
I spent the rest of the lesson being taunted by my classmates and thinking to myself, why are you such a dick, why, why, fuckin why!!!
 
Last edited:
When I was about 8, 2nd year of Junior School at any rate, our teacher, the headmaster’s wife and a stern woman, produced a pair of Spanish maracas one day in class. She asked various members of the class if they knew what they were, with varying degrees of success.
Then when she got the answer she wanted, she asked if anyone knew how to play them. I don’t know why to this day, but my hand shot up!
I had been lucky enough as a kid to holiday in Spain, early in the 70’s. I’d seen Spanish flamenco dancers using them and as she invited me to come and demonstrate to the class how to play them, I was desperately thinking back to my time in Spain.
I struggled to even get the bloody things onto my fingers in any way that resembled the correct technique, in the end I resorted to just banging the two halves together using the string in the middle, with no technique or beat I soon had my fellow class mates in howls of laugher and ridicule. As I returned to my seat, red faced and feeling stupid, the words from Mrs. Johnson rang across the room, “Sit down you idiot boy!”
I spent the rest of the lesson being taunted by my classmates and thinking to myself, why are you such a dick, why, why, fuckin why!!!
Castanets, not maracas. Maybe thats where you went wrong. ;-)

We've had cheques in post and cum in mouth but not the last one.

Black is beautiful. . . . . . . . .or doesn't that one go down too well anymore?
 

OneTenner

LE
Book Reviewer
One from a couple of years ago...
I was visiting a car dealership to do some in depth diagnostics on a vehicle they were struggling with, it was in the workshop in a spare bay. Next to me was a tech who had been given a car where the aircon wasn't working, the first thing that's checked is the quantity & pressure of refrigerant, if it's low or non-existent, the hunt for possible leaks usually begins with a look over the condenser (the panel in front of the coolant radiator). These can be damaged in two ways, impact from road debris or corrosion of the aluminium core, either can cause a leak. Generally, corrosion within the warranty period will be covered by the manufacturer despite the cause usually bein road salt or immersion /exposure to salt water. Impact from road debris is a chargeable repair, cost to the manufacturer is much lower than the cost to the customer.
Anyway, this tech was having a good look round the condenser and finally found an impact mark, most dealerships now use some variant of video recording on the 'health check' or to record specific concerns, the tech starts recoring the video, covering the 'usual suspects - tyres, brakes etc. then moves on to the aircon condenser, because it is set well back behind the bumper, he uses a long screwdriver to point out where the damage is.
The screwdriver is a perfect fit in the shiny hole in the condenser and was recorded in 1080p for the customer and Service manager to see....
Apparently he was a bit behind on his bonus hours so thought he'd bulk them up with some retail hours.... Didn't work out that way, the cost of the condenser and refrigerant was more than he'd accrued in bonus that month:oops:
 
Late 1980s - The politician I saw on the TV saying that British troops were not training **************** in ***********************.

I had read the file in the dark red cover which said they were only the day before...

:rolleyes:
 
The best worst lie I've ever told? "I'm working very hard". My colleagues who had worked with me for decades - well let's just say I made their day...
 

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