What's happened to my body?

Years ago when I was a dirty bastard, I was outdoor swimming in a very busy pond and sat myself in a lifering when suddenly I
felt the urge.
It occurred to me that if I swam back to the very rudimentary bogs I would have to do the business in a tin bucket with nasty toilet paper and surrounded by flies.
So with comfort and hidden under the water I released a log of mammoth proportions.
Feeling pleased with myself I slipped out of the lifering and started to paddle off only to be reminded of that scene in Das Boot when the sub makes an emergency surface. I swear it looked like a fair sized trout trying to leap over a wier.
I made a swift exit.


When pancreatic cancer spreads, it often goes to the liver. This can also cause jaundice. ... Also, if bile andpancreatic enzymes can't get through to the intestines to help break down fats, the stools can become greasy and might float in the toilet

You're screwed mate... boots?
Nah, they're not greasy - still firm and normal, just bouyant.

But size 12M just in case.
My shít smells like roses.

Im not concerned, just thought you might like to know.
Nah, they're not greasy - still firm and normal, just bouyant.

But size 12M just in case.
I thought you had sadly succumbed to Lightshytitis.

Wait a minute... You haven’t joined the undead have you?
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Mine of late have changed with my drinking habits. The flocks of seagulls of yore have been replaced by mammoth dehydrated arrse busters which seem to indicate that I've inadvertently eaten a worried hedgehog.

The only exception is my penchant for jalapenos. This produces a painful feeling amidships that sends me scurrying to the head in the small hours, only to sit there fruitlessly. After some time, a series of gunshot-like reports herald the passing of the hot seed-filled mass.

Scratch marks are etched into the bog wall as the bum lava flows forth, only to leave me feeling hollow and violated in the aftermath. And a wobbly walk back to the rack with a ring like the Japanese flag.

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