Army Rumour Service

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

What would you do if your missus was a phantom sh*tter?

Cam someone explain what a phantom shitter is please?

Getting his sheets in the wash and getting in the shower?



Someone who shits in unusual and generally unacceptable places - such as airing cupboards, washing machines, and so on. When I was a school I was disgusted to discover a turd in a kettle.

I refuse to accept that women are capable of such acts.
Memory jog:- Visiting my father, and my hated evil step mother, I took along a plastic turd, and a canister of joke fart spray, placed the turd in a saucepan with a blast of spray, and placed it back on the shelf. A few days later i get a phone call from my very pissed of father. Step mum was having a coffee morning hosting about a dozen of her coven, and one was helping to prepare the coffee,( Can you see what is about to happen yet?) taking the pan lid off she was confronted with a stinking plastic turd, and" Why did you cling film the toilet bowl?"...... no sense of humour some people..... about 1986-7ish
 
Used to fly a regional out of Entebbe with a bunch of Rwandan hosties just after the unpleasantness.

Anyhow, flying folks back home out of Entebbe who had been on the hajj, one of the returnees had left a Bombay Steamer the size of a small watermelon clogging the only bog on the aircraft. The Rwandan hosties were a helpful lot and one of them grabbed a pair of marigolds and some ice tongs from the ice bucket and dived into the cubicle to wrestle with the monster.

Eventually got it flushed and came out of the bog bearing the shit encrusted ice tongs, gave them a quick wipe with a paper towel and back into the ice bucket, before setting off down the aisle to the drinks trolley.

One of the ex SAA hosties that I had my eye on clocked this and managed to almost rugby tackle the ice bearer before she could start sloshing ice into drinks.

The contaminated ice bucket and tongs were confiscated and the pax got drinkies sans gelado for the rest of the flight until we got to Nairobi via Kigali.
You pursue some of the nicest specimens to breed with.
 
The one I wished to poke my smelly bits into was the ex SAA hostie who tackled the errant plague queen heading down the aisle waving her plague tongs at the punters.

Tall, long blonde hair, Amazonian chebs and a smile that could short out a pacemaker. She'd bat her eyes at the flight catering bloke at Entebbe and get him to sort out first class meals for the crew instead of the unidentifiable stuff the SLF were getting. She'd also make sure we had a beer or a miniature for the bus back to the hotel. The bloke she married still carries the burden of my undying hate.
 
We all know old grannies, fat lezzers with short hair and chubby mingers do massive poos and fart like a trucker after a greasy kebab, but what about the pretty ones?

I cannot imagine that the likes of Audrey Hepburn in her day, or Emma Watson, Alizée or Virginie Ledoyen at the height of their beauty would ever go to the bog and push out a foot long meaty one. Nor can I imagine that they'd bend over and let rip.

If anyone has any evidence to the contrary then I'm happy to stand corrected.
 

theoriginalphantom

MIA
Book Reviewer
has anyone suggested that the answer to the thread title is "send her to India'?


(resists tagging earth and indiagb)
 
evidence to the contrary
Yep. Our office cleaner (Moshi, Tz, 94-98 was a vision of catwalk beauty who I had dreams of marketing as a global supermodel. Her luscious floor-tile cleansing manoeuvres were enough to halt board meetings when they took place simultaneously - but enough of that.

I received a Complaint from our Master Driver that the African Lavatory had been sullied; this was outside the main building, and had just received my Upgrading treatment (white paint, proper lighting, ventilation, water etc). She'd crapped all over the place, apparently as a protest against Light and Air, which she thought were obscene European innovations. The other employees objected, and demanded her ejection. My subsequent actions remain a masterclass in industrial relations, but my visions of her commanding international admiration on the catwalk were dashed. Yet another case when my £millions were only dreams.
 

homeworker

War Hero
Some years back my company, temporarily, relocated to temporary offices in a large Thames Valley town whilst our offices were refurbished. In the new offices every time we used the gents facilities a security guard would inspect the facilities before we returned to our desks. It would appear that someone was using the toilet and then launching a bag of wee/poo across the room just as they were leaving. No result for the investigation was ever published Nor was a motive discovered.
 
Some years back my company, temporarily, relocated to temporary offices in a large Thames Valley town whilst our offices were refurbished. In the new offices every time we used the gents facilities a security guard would inspect the facilities before we returned to our desks. It would appear that someone was using the toilet and then launching a bag of wee/poo across the room just as they were leaving. No result for the investigation was ever published Nor was a motive discovered.
You got away with it then?
 

RBMK

LE
Book Reviewer
If SWMBO was a phantom shitter I would get her to drop a massive one right in the middle of our local bowls club green. Then I'd drop one myself next to it.
 
Yep. Our office cleaner (Moshi, Tz, 94-98 was a vision of catwalk beauty who I had dreams of marketing as a global supermodel. Her luscious floor-tile cleansing manoeuvres were enough to halt board meetings when they took place simultaneously - but enough of that.

I received a Complaint from our Master Driver that the African Lavatory had been sullied; this was outside the main building, and had just received my Upgrading treatment (white paint, proper lighting, ventilation, water etc). She'd crapped all over the place, apparently as a protest against Light and Air, which she thought were obscene European innovations. The other employees objected, and demanded her ejection. My subsequent actions remain a masterclass in industrial relations, but my visions of her commanding international admiration on the catwalk were dashed. Yet another case when my £millions were only dreams.

By evidence to the contrary I meant photos of the aforementioned beauties and videos of them letting rip. If one is to conduct a serious debate then one must have reliable sources.

Stories are also acceptable I suppose. I only demand this level of detail to keep the standards of the site up you understand.
 

Yokel

LE
Yep. Our office cleaner (Moshi, Tz, 94-98 was a vision of catwalk beauty who I had dreams of marketing as a global supermodel. Her luscious floor-tile cleansing manoeuvres were enough to halt board meetings when they took place simultaneously - but enough of that.

I received a Complaint from our Master Driver that the African Lavatory had been sullied; this was outside the main building, and had just received my Upgrading treatment (white paint, proper lighting, ventilation, water etc). She'd crapped all over the place, apparently as a protest against Light and Air, which she thought were obscene European innovations. The other employees objected, and demanded her ejection. My subsequent actions remain a masterclass in industrial relations, but my visions of her commanding international admiration on the catwalk were dashed. Yet another case when my £millions were only dreams.

Did you get a glass table put in your office?

If SWMBO was a phantom shitter I would get her to drop a massive one right in the middle of our local bowls club green. Then I'd drop one myself next to it.

BOWLS club, not BOWELS!

By evidence to the contrary I meant photos of the aforementioned beauties and videos of them letting rip. If one is to conduct a serious debate then one must have reliable sources.

Stories are also acceptable I suppose. I only demand this level of detail to keep the standards of the site up you understand.

Are you the sort of person who subscribes to Dumpstation TV? Do you read Readers' Wives' Turds?

Do you have a favourite model like Vindaloo Vicky, Bum Gravy Becky, or Chilli Charlotte? What about Enema Emma, Supository Sue....

Disgusting!
 
By evidence to the contrary I meant photos of the aforementioned beauties and videos of them letting rip. If one is to conduct a serious debate then one must have reliable sources.

Stories are also acceptable I suppose. I only demand this level of detail to keep the standards of the site up you understand.
FFS man spit it out, all you want it dirty photo's.
 
Are you the sort of person who subscribes to Dumpstation TV? Do you read Readers' Wives' Turds?

Do you have a favourite model like Vindaloo Vicky, Bum Gravy Becky, or Chilli Charlotte? What about Enema Emma, Supository Sue....

Disgusting!
You know of these things how?:rolleyes:
 

New Posts

Latest Threads

Top