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What would you do if your missus was a phantom sh*tter?

I'll just admit this now.
I cam back from a mega run ashore during adventure training and went looking for my mate who came back early due to being utterly incapable.
Everyone in his 8 man room was sound asleep including him and also a cocky cunt ex SA navy diver.
I sloped off to the heads and managed to curl one out on a grot mag, came back and left it on the pillow next to the saffers head.
Next morning I'd forgotten the night before and had a filthy head.
The screams and laughter brought me round and I went to investigate.
There was the saffer with an even filthier head who was by now retching and accusing everyone of shitting on his pillow.
He obviously was a restless sleeper as he was caked in it.
 
A poo tale. Wee small hours of the morning and I’m in the office behind the Custody Sergeant’s desk concluding business with CPS and all set to charge and remand a scrote for something or other. One of the better shift sergeants shoves his head in and says ‘well timed, the bloke in cell 3 has shat himself and rolled in it. We need to clean him up!’ As we walk down donning our gloves I ask who it is’It’s “Fred Snooks”’ he says. “Ah” quoth I. “He’s in for the stabbing earlier, but I went with the victim in the ambulance to hospital, so I can’t go near the suspect or I’ll foxtrot up the forensics”. To his credit the Skipper paused, shrugged and said ‘Fair one, make me a brew in 15’ and cracked on. He’s now a well respected Inspector!
 
French gf is regularly furious about the state British women leave public khazis in. Apparently there's routinely shit up the walls, used tampons all over the place, floor awash with piss.
 

Teeblerone

Old-Salt
I am astounded by the state some people leave the bogs in, i'm sure some of them have a special ritual dance which involves spraying shite everywhere and incapable of using the flush, let alone the bloody bogbrush.
Maybe they're Royalty and they're confused without The Groom of The Stool.

Oh, and there is no such thing as a KharziFairy that leaves a nice bottle of mineral water, usually without a cap, in the traps. I heartily recommend you do NOT have a swig. :(
(I will say that the presence of such is no indicator of the bog being left in a foul state, perhaps even the opposite).
 

TBGB

Old-Salt
How is that technically possible if they sit on the loo, or do they stand on the seat and defecate from above?
It's the hover. Apparently our fairer friends do not like making contact with the toilet seat so they do a downhill skiing pose and let rip. Plenty of scope for that to go awry especially after a few lambrinis.
 

RTU'd

Old-Salt
As part of our unconscious bias, we always consider phantom sh*tters in the context of men & terrible male behaviour.

However, an unknown proportion of phantom sh*tters are in fact women. Presumably, this fact won't be known by their boyfriends or husbands initially. Most won't even consider the possibility because of their inherent male privilege.

Which begs the question, if you discover that your missus is a phantom sh*tter, a couple of years down the line, what would you do?

You could share some great stories or you could be recoiling in horror.
Have you thought of starting up a niche magazine for fellow followers and those interested on the subject?
1st edition with free scoop, 2nd with washable magazine covers & only £7.99 fortnightly
 
If this thread has taught us anything, it's that there was probably a good reason for all those witch trials in the 17th century.
 

theoriginalphantom

MIA
Book Reviewer
It's the hover. Apparently our fairer friends do not like making contact with the toilet seat so they do a downhill skiing pose while standing on a rising and falling rotating turntable then let rip. Plenty of scope for that to go awry especially after a few lambrinis.

Edited for my own amusement
 
I am astounded by the state some people leave the bogs in, i'm sure some of them have a special ritual dance which involves spraying shite everywhere and incapable of using the flush, let alone the bloody bogbrush.
Maybe they're Royalty and they're confused without The Groom of The Stool.

Oh, and there is no such thing as a KharziFairy that leaves a nice bottle of mineral water, usually without a cap, in the traps. I heartily recommend you do NOT have a swig. :(
(I will say that the presence of such is no indicator of the bog being left in a foul state, perhaps even the opposite).

The water bottle is usually left by the ladies & gentlemen of the Asian persuasion who rinse their stars after crimping one off.
They think those of us that don’t are minging.
 
I've worked in various hospitals over the years, there's always a phantom shitter, and it's always in the female staff toilets.

Things you wouldn't think possible of the caring profession, massive steaming logs left in the middle of the floor in the ladies locker rooms and used sanitary products chucked on top of lockers. The gents were generally in pristine condition.
 

Teeblerone

Old-Salt
The water bottle is usually left by the ladies & gentlemen of the Asian persuasion who rinse their stars after crimping one off.
They think those of us that don’t are minging.
Indeed. I'd have a bidet it there was the space, one with a hairdryer an' all*

*but not the 'comb & autostyle' feature
 

TBGB

Old-Salt
The water bottle is usually left by the ladies & gentlemen of the Asian persuasion who rinse their stars after crimping one off.
They think those of us that don’t are minging.
To be fair, one of the major advantages of living in the Middle East is the shattaf. Got to love the bum hose.
 

theoriginalphantom

MIA
Book Reviewer
I've worked in various hospitals over the years, there's always a phantom shitter, and it's always in the female staff toilets.

Things you wouldn't think possible of the caring profession, massive steaming logs left in the middle of the floor in the ladies locker rooms and used sanitary products chucked on top of lockers. The gents were generally in pristine condition.

that'll be cos the blokes are shitting in the ladies...
 
I've worked in various hospitals over the years, there's always a phantom shitter, and it's always in the female staff toilets.

Things you wouldn't think possible of the caring profession, massive steaming logs left in the middle of the floor in the ladies locker rooms and used sanitary products chucked on top of lockers. The gents were generally in pristine condition.

This.
 
that'll be cos the blokes are shitting in the ladies...
Given the size of some of the offending articles (I've been shown photographic evidence as part of a complaint) you would think it was big Innes who had been in there. Either that or there are women holding onto turds of such epic proportions as to give their arseholes TARDIS like properties.
 
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