What would you do if your missus was a phantom sh*tter?

[kelvin_273]

You don't get craftsmanship like that anymore.

Did you just assume gender?

 

[Lardbeast]

I'll take your word for it as the voice of experience.

Cheese at bed time is for winners. Or those who like psychedelia in their nightly imaginings.

 

[Richard Headicus]

That mental picture could only be improved by a heel-skid emanating from the print.

Followed by a cheek imprint, slap bang bullseye.

 

[don't tell him pike]

As part of our unconscious bias, we always consider phantom sh*tters in the context of men & terrible male behaviour.

However, an unknown proportion of phantom sh*tters are in fact women. Presumably, this fact won't be known by their boyfriends or husbands initially. Most won't even consider the possibility because of their inherent male privilege.

Which begs the question, if you discover that your missus is a phantom sh*tter, a couple of years down the line, what would you do?

You could share some great stories or you could be recoiling in horror.

Many moons ago I went out with a girl who often left the bog looking like an explosion in a shit factory, she must have looked like an upside down brown fountain when using it, fuk all phantom about her let me tell you

 

[robroy]

Staggered into the block early hours of the morning, sliding along the wall counting the doorways until I reached mine(No 4) , in the darkness fumbled the key into the lock, grabbed the door handle and yes you've guessed it, the phantom shitter had smeared crap all over the handle.
That particular phantom was prolific, wash basins, baths, showers, drying room, empty lockers we never did find out who it was, then one day it just stopped.

 

[deanol]

Staggered into the block early hours of the morning, sliding along the wall counting the doorways until I reached mine(No 4) , in the darkness fumbled the key into the lock, grabbed the door handle and yes you've guessed it, the phantom shitter had smeared crap all over the handle.
That particular phantom was prolific, wash basins, baths, showers, drying room, empty lockers we never did find out who it was, then one day it just stopped.

It's funny how you never see that sort of thing on those documentaries about recruits training in the armed forces.

Skiffing etc must be taugh when the cameras are off.

Pity.

 

[kelvin_273]

Many moons ago I went out with a girl who often left the bog looking like an explosion in a shit factory, she must have looked like an upside down brown fountain when using it, fuk all phantom about her let me tell you

That's what happens when you shag em up the wrong'n 3 times a day.

 

[Gout Man]

Is there something you’d like to share with the group?

I fucking hope not.

 

[Gout Man]

Mine could never be a phantom; the explosion is normally followed by me going "**** me! Anyone hurt?"

I call out the coast guard.

 

[HCL]

I don't know if an entry from me counts, but I dropped a sloppy cowpat on the pavement when I got gutsache early one morning, sprinting from my car to squat in the pissing rain. It was a right mustard yellow colour, evil looking and steaming, decorated with an old bit of paper which was all I had to wipe with. After my day was done I returned to view my crime, and wept tears of pride as I saw a perfect footprint of a training shoe smack in the middle of it, with drip splashes in the direction of the runner's travel.

Got to be post of the year.

 

[roninxix]

Don’t know about phantom but my missus, on occasions, can pass turds which have a striking resemblance to King Kong’s thumb.

One notable time was when she came walking through the dining room with an old spatula and a look of shame stating that her fecal matter wouldn’t flush and would need chopping up. She didn’t appreciate the round of applause from myself and ronin minor.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Accidental_discharge]

How low people can go and still be proud is a constant amazement for me. You (and your dearly beloved) are the reason why humanity is fucked.

Tell me this is something not to be proud of!

 

[Lardbeast]

Used to fly a regional out of Entebbe with a bunch of Rwandan hosties just after the unpleasantness.

Anyhow, flying folks back home out of Entebbe who had been on the hajj, one of the returnees had left a Bombay Steamer the size of a small watermelon clogging the only bog on the aircraft. The Rwandan hosties were a helpful lot and one of them grabbed a pair of marigolds and some ice tongs from the ice bucket and dived into the cubicle to wrestle with the monster.

Eventually got it flushed and came out of the bog bearing the shit encrusted ice tongs, gave them a quick wipe with a paper towel and back into the ice bucket, before setting off down the aisle to the drinks trolley.

One of the ex SAA hosties that I had my eye on clocked this and managed to almost rugby tackle the ice bearer before she could start sloshing ice into drinks.

The contaminated ice bucket and tongs were confiscated and the pax got drinkies sans gelado for the rest of the flight until we got to Nairobi via Kigali.

 

[Toastie]

I'm glad you've made the best of an extra hour in bed.

His Mrs shat the bed

 

[theoriginalphantom]

I would like to point out that the 'phantom' in my user name came from various other 'pranks' and are not poo related*

things such as, what can only be described as 'enormous comedy bloomers' replacing a flag outside RHQ, labelling every 432 with names such as Speedy, Stephensons rocket and the 434 with 'mobile wanking station'

oh and some childish stuff too


*Except for the one on the dais at Keogh Barracks which made the RSM consider a guard on the drill square a necessity to prevent any further poo-related escapades before the big poo-rade, I mean parade. something about Corps week, drumhead something or other,

 

[maguire]

Don’t know about phantom but my missus, on occasions, can pass turds which have a striking resemblance to King Kong’s thumb.

One notable time was when she came walking through the dining room with an old spatula and a look of shame stating that her fecal matter wouldn’t flush and would need chopping up. She didn’t appreciate the round of applause from myself and ronin minor.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

when we were still working in the London office I was pleased to see one of mine - which had wedged itself across the porcelain at around 9am after my morning visit - was still there shortly before I left at 4pm. I hope the cleaners got danger money for sorting that out.

 

[History_Man]

Shortly after Terminal Five opened at Heathrow, Her Majesty's finest Immigration Service moved into their brand spanking new accommodation. The phantom shitter started targeting male managers desks in the Admin Block (what is now the Border Force Heathrow Control Room).

We also had a guy caught chucking one out over a female manager's desk. He had his trousers and pants round his ankles at the time and his excuse was that he was hot and trying to cool down.

 

[Accidental_discharge]

Personally, I just enjoy sharing my shit.
Anyone that has a problem with that is obviously an anti Semitic racist.

 

[Escape-from-PPRuNe]

I have to say this thread is in the best traditions of ARRSE.

 

[HCL]

Don’t know about phantom but my missus, on occasions, can pass turds which have a striking resemblance to King Kong’s thumb.

One notable time was when she came walking through the dining room with an old spatula and a look of shame stating that her fecal matter wouldn’t flush and would need chopping up. She didn’t appreciate the round of applause from myself and ronin minor.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Ah, compo logs. Something we are all glad to have left behind us