What was your funniest sh@g ?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by phibeck, Sep 4, 2006.

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  1. Not best sh@g, or worst sh@g, or even most unusual sh@g – but funniest sh@g!

    I’m going to start the ball rolling, but something tells me you lot out there are going to totally eclipse my effort!

    This sh@g caught me unawares – so no condoms at the ready. Now Miss Danish Blue and I had known each other for a few weeks, and there hadn’t been a sign of anything that might cause a state of stand-to in the nether-regions. She was round at my place, but being a bit religious she didn’t drink. (So I couldn’t really either). So there we were, drinking orange juice. Now when you’re used to drinking beer, you’re used to drinking it in pints. As everyone knows, a habit is hard to break. So I’m knocking back the orange juice as though it was beer.

    Anyway, things hot up, and mouths glued to each other we are busy trying to rip each others off, whilst not losing mouth contact. (In itself ridiculous). Ridiculous or not, we have wrestled around a bit and now the moment is right for the grand entrance. Only it feels as though someone has blown up a balloon in my bladder. “Er, excuse me a minute, I think I need to pee” She gives me a strange look, and I disappear, and realize that orange juice has the same effect on the bladder as beer, but being non-alcoholic it doesn’t numb it at the same time.

    OK, I’m back again, and the hokey-pokey for 2 if off again, and now we’ve actually started. We don’t get far because some gnome has blown up a balloon in my bladder again. “Um, I’m awfully sorry but I think I need to pee again” She gives me an even stranger look. I slope off, and am getting a bit embarrassed about all this, and decide it’s probably best to get it over quickly.

    So I get back again, and giving her some real stick in the hope that we can end it quickly, and with all the bouncing about the pillow falls on the floor. Whilst not missing a stroke I reach down to pick it up. In doing so I turn it round at the same time to place under her head. But I obviously haven’t hovered since Thatcher last gave birth. The pillow was heaving where it had fallen on the floor. You know how dust and dirt clumps together like tumbleweed in Westerns? This was it, but it wasn’t tumbling anyway, it was stuck on the pillow. I throw it down again, and try carry on naturally. “Give me the pillow and I’ll put it under my @rse” she says “Sorry, can’t reach I says” she gives me an even stranger look.

    We’re now on the long strokes, and I’m going all out for the finish line, but I can’t come because I need to pee again. “Um, sorry, I need to pee again” I says miserably.

    Back again, and giving it what ho whilst I can and the moment is fast approaching, well er coming. “I don’t think I can stop” I shout “No problem, she shouts back – I’m safe !!”. Wow!

    Afterwards I slope off for a pee, and on returning remark how lucky it was she was “safe”. “Yes” she said, “I keep track of my periods, so I know exactly where I am, and if I’m safe or not”. Well, not quite as safe as I was hoping for, but still not alarmed I asked “Is it just before or just after?” “No, silly” she says “I said I was safe – I’m in the middle!” - HOLY SH!T !!!

    1 sex-education lesson from me, and 10 days hell whilst waiting later – she finally paints her kacks red, and we live to sh@g another day.
     
  2. When Mrs Crab_Fat worked for a large insurance company the branch in which she worked won a large UK wide incentive. The prize was that the whole branch was treated to 3 days in Teneriefe (now you know why your premiums are so high). Anyway there was only one official thing to go to on one of the evenings so the rest of the time was ours, although we hung around with the other members of the branch. One afternoon after being in the sun all day we were on our balcony on the top floor, realising we were not overlooked, and with no-one around we started getting "down to it". To cut it down a bit at the point where Mrs Crab_Fat's bikini bottoms were on the floor, her tits were out and I was giving her a good scuttling from behind the Branch Manager walked out onto the balcony next to us.

    Cost of weekend - nothing
    Cost of food and beer- nothing
    Look on BM's face - feckin priceless!
     
  3. I took too long once, got bored and went to sleep. The end.
     
  4. Where can I start - several experiences in 2 tours of Cyprus, however a funny one that sticks in my mind happend as follows.

    There was a particually friendly girl named Katrina (Sweedish Mmm), her parents always packed her off alone on her yearly six month holiday with lots of cash in an account, needless to say she was not a materialistic girl and preferred pleasures of the flesh, of which there were several sqaddies whom obliged. I had been having relations with said lady until I became bored and politely told her that I was no longer interested.

    Move forward several hours, and many brandy sours, and the urge to have relations again returned. I visited this ladys apartment and explained my needs, she obliged by returning to my weekend retreat for a night of passion. The funny thing was that my roommate was not around, it transpires that he overheard me dumping this girl and moved in for the kill, he was mid session with this lady when I arrived in my drunken state at the door, when she left her apartment, she inadvertantly locked him in the bedroom (of course naked with his clothes in another room) he then had to climb from a window - borrow !! some nearby holiday clothes from a balcony and blag a lift back to the camp.

    The following night, I once again had lost all interest in this girl, and informed my friend that I would not interupt his antics if he wished to have another crack, which he duly accomplished that evening.

    Once again the poor old chap succumbed to more misfortune, between myself and his evening of pleasure, the lovely young lady had been with another and caught a dose which was freely passed on to my chum.

    How we all laughed !!!!
     
  5. a clown
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    i am on my way already :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:
     
  6. Very, very nearly got the tw*tting of my life by three eight foot tall vampires* who were disguised as bouncers at a live sex show in Amsterdam. My crime (this wasn't part of the show)? I'd been dragged on stage to eat a bannana out of a strippers gash, but had made the mistake of feeling her up at every oppurtunity. I was trying to be 'tender'. Not a shag, but definately the funniest sex related incident!

    The funniest shag would have to be in Faliraki in 1999, at eight in the morning after a fifteen hour drinks marathon when I could bearly speak without biting my tongue let alone get wood and succesfully wet me end, in a room full of my mates who threw shoes, underwear, food and eventually a matress onto us. If that counts.
     
  7. My mate was at Uni in Brum, him and his housemates had to clean out due to the house being fumegated, any how I bail up the motorway to bring him and her back, home. All they way back she's giving my the old fcuk me eyes in the rear view. so i drop my mate of at his house first then take her home, get invited to carry the suitcase as you do, never say no to get your foot in the door.
    Bad new I have meet the parents "oh where's {boyfriend} is he not with you?" they ask? she shoots me a look and says, "No he's at his mates this weekend." i'm thinking yes game on.
    So a cup of coffee later, parents say we are just off out to do some shopping, can I move the car. They bugger off, i walk back in the house, can't find her in the kitchen so i shout! response comes back "i'm up stairs", trying to cooly walk up the stairs whilst holding down a bratty in me kecks, I pop into the bathroom, and make sure the equipment is clean enough for 1* inspection! walk out and into her room, she's lying there on the bed dressed in her birthday suit oh the form...... I almost ND right there. "come here" well how could I refuse. this girl had some skills! I'm telling ya the girl must of seen the best of Jenna Jameson, of course one has to return the favour and play with the budgies tongue. well b4 you knew it i was riding at the 1530 at cheltenham, all too soon came the vinegar stroke, just as the doorbell was being rung, "holy shit, you go" So trying to compose oneself, I answered the door to her parents.

    "oh that looks heavy here let me take that" charming bastard aint I!
    by the time I helped with the unloading she was down stairs, in the front room.
    walking back with coffees we all sit there, us two acting like nowt happened, when suddenly she blurts out "oh look my tights are on inside out" OMFGG. Time for me to bounce I think! "okay, nice to meet you all, time to go!!"

    I met her a couple of times after that, i wonder what happened to her? I remember thinking her mum would be well worth a rutt, wonder if she's still there........
     
  8. I was employed on a francise at a holiday camp. Every other Tuesday was medieval night. Got caught by the franchisee with one of the buxom wenches staddling me in the stores, who said "foget him carry on quick I am almost there" or words to that effect.

    Boss lost his sense of humour as it was his daughter I lost my job but at the time it was fecking funny.
     
  9. hell of a leaving settlement
     
  10. Funniest one that happened to me, Blackpool 1990 on R&R, yeah couldn't think of a better place to go. Met up with a mate who was in the SUSH SUSH Crap pl in NI, and subsequently met 2 of the fairer sex. Long story short they were booked into a posh hotel (if there is such a thing in Blackpool) but had only one room and only one bed, a big double. As you do when your pissed, (always seems like a good idea at the time) the four of us ended on the bed, with me and the mate taking them doggy style but with them facing away from each other. My mate was just about at the vinegar stroke when I proceeded to insert one's index finger into his bird's rectum,
    How she yelped - not sure if it was a yelp of appreciation or not - and the look on his face when she belted him one. I couldn't finish due to laughing, still puts a smile on my face even now.
    :D 8O :D
     
  11. My best had to be on R+R in Calgary in 1998. We'd pulled up late evening in our RV to a place called 'Vagabond's Trailer Park', just off the side of the road. After a day of getting wasted I met a Lethbridge girl with a vague similarity to Michelle Pfeiffer at the Stampede, with whom I got friskier as the night wore on. The three lads I shared the RV with all pulled (those really were the days) and went off in other directions, and after 14 hours drinking and a 5am coffee she agreed to come back to mine. Upon arriving at the van I realised that S**** had brought his squaw bird back with him and they were getting down and dirty on the only half decent bed. This left us one option - the roof. An awesome fu*k ensued, the funny part was when we woke up the following morning. The 'quiet road' that the trailer park was next to was actually a very busy main freeway full of rush hour traffic, who must have had a chuckle at me sat up in my doss bag having a stretch, and a bird in the bag with me who had an arm hanging over the side and a tit pointing up in the air. (She was still asleep) The look of surprise/disgust/possibly jealousy of Vagabond's proprieter as she walked past was awesome.

    She came down to BATUS to visit me later on in the tour, I ended up shagging her under the massive teepee which overlooks the old O'Rileys Irish bar. I still get flashbacks when I see it on postcards.
     
  12. Being phoned half way though by Y-delyn asking me to open the door so he can come in and watch!

    put me off my stride slightly.
     
  13. Had been out on the tiles with the better half, get home and feeling a bit fruity we decided to go for it on the living room floor, during a period of mutual pleasing we got ourselves into the 69.

    We were getting into it when I got the sudden urge to fart, being a little worse for wear and considering he had his face well buried I thought he wouldn't notice!

    Wrong!!!

    He jumped up and stood motionless, stunned like a bunny caught in the headlights!

    Me....I was curled up on the floor in hysterics........

    I think that was fair payback for the numerous times he's shoved my head under the duvet to get the full appreciation of his trump!
     
  14. Outside the Queensway dressed in a kilt and suzzys. A very amenable and flexible WRAC from 29 Coy obliged me. I had just lost my mess when we were illuminated by an RMP patrol in a white Cavlier. Legged it inside sharpish. Loved those 52s. Best p*ss ups ever.
     
  15. Christ... what was the name of that club in Berlin, where they used to lure squaddies into a bath on stage with strippers?

    They never got near a sh@g... the bath was on rails, the strippers hopped out, and it rolled away and dumped them boll... naked out in the alley.

    laughed... I nearly sh@t.