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What was the biggest/weirdest cockblock moment you've ever faced?

lert

LE
Pitch black, on the settee, getting down to business, and I hear the front door open, her parents have came home early, the light goes on, its her father, Kin hell, only just managed to pull up my strides and sit looking innocent, fathers face was livid, but no words spoken. I said my goodbyes. Fast forward many years. on leave, decide to look up aforementioned old girlfriend, rang first, mother said she is now married, but will be visiting, come around if you want. I turn up, mother says she is now divorced, etc. etc., mother says don't waste the visit , so I get the best hour or so of my life, Jesus Me 25, she about 45, and mega sex starved, we hear the front door open, FFS its old girlfriend, who managed to get away to visit her old mum, and me, hiding in the bog.
The rest of my 2 weeks leave were between the willing thighs of a 45 year old sex starved divorced nymphomaniac.
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Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
Middle of 2004 I'd gotten friendly with some foxy lass from Sunderland I'd met during a trip to the National History Museum in London. I was there with my daughter at the time, we'd got chatting and swapped numbers.

A few weeks down the line, me and a mate were invited up for the weekend - the plan was he was gonna take one for the team and get it on with her mate - and she was going to sexually abuse me to within an inch of my life.

But we'd been out the night before and proper hung one on. He'd done the sensible thing sacked it about midnight. I'd stayed out and got royally fucked up.

On the way up I was white as a sheet, head splitting, but otherwise I was raring to go - convinced my hangover would be nipped in the bud by the afternoon.

We arrived, got ready to go out etc - all was fine until the first drinks came.

"I don't think I'm very well", I whimpered, as she initially felt a little sorry for me - unknown to her my bloodstream was still 90% proof from the night before.

A few more drinks in and I ended up in the bogs of some nightclub/bar type place heaving for what felt like hours, eventually doing that mad dry-heaving shit where you're relieved it's no longer shooting out of your nose, but scared you're gonna have no stomach left.

Bizarrely though, I felt a million times better afterwards and quickly downed two pints of water. Once I was rehydrated, felt it a good idea to line my stomach properly with Guinness, along with one of those amazing dirty great big Pakistani kebabs in the soft naan roll wotsit. Lush.

As we eventually got back to hers, got into bed all nekkid and ready to turn weeks of flirting into 30 seconds of solid action when I felt the rumbling of liquid shit travelling down my lower intestines.

Not wanting to make a big deal, went to use the bathroom - her ******* mate was in there. I ended up having to use the en suite, knowing full well she's about to hear me pepper her toilet in 24 hours worth of rancid food, propelled under the sheer force of the excess Guinness, making its bid for freedom.

...and if that wasn't bad enough it was only when my tea-towel holder had finally called endex, I realised there was a lonely cardboard tube next to the shitter and I needed to shout her to fetch me a fresh one.


I can still see her face if I try hard enough - a sort of juxtapose of emotions, trying to feel sorry for me thinking I'd got some Noro-virus thing, and the sheer dread on her face from breathing the shit-scented acid up through what was left of her nostrils.

Poor girl.

Didn’t she have any towels you could have used? Or curtains?
 
That certainly cooled down things, we decided to just go to the party. So yeah, I got cockblocked by a tramp. On 8 mile road. In Detroit.

p.s: before you ask, yes I did, later that night.
That’s not exactly cockblocking, it’s more of a case of picking a poor location for your endeavour. Deciding to have a quick shâg on the number one road known for prostitution and drugs in metro Detroit and expecting it to work out is a nonstarter. You should have kept going east until you hit Grosse Pointe Woods and classed it up a bit for the lass. Were you actually hoping for a three way with a crack addicted Pam Grier type as a surprise guest in your post game celebration?
 
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That’s not exactly cockblocking, it’s more of a case of picking a poor location for your endeavour. Deciding to have a quick shâg on the number one road known for prostitution and drugs in metro Detroit and expecting it to work out is a nonstarter. You should have kept going east until you hit Grosse Point Woods and classed it up a bit for the lass. Were you actually hoping for a three way with a crack addicted Pam Grier type as a surprise guest in your post game celebration?

What can I say, needs must...I seriously thought I would crash the car if I kept driving considering the way she was feeling me up.
 
What can I say, needs must...I seriously thought I would crash the car if I kept driving considering the way she was feeling me up.
I’m heading to Lapeer this week for a job, I’ll stop at the McDonald’s on 8 Mile & 75 and have a breakfast burrito in honour of your failed attempt on such hallowed ground...
 
Found out the hard way my 11 year old nephew had stolen the packet of Durex off of the bedside table....

(I know it was him because the thieving little git used to nick the AA batteries out of my spare alarm clock, and they'd gone too.)
 
Found out the hard way my 11 year old nephew had stolen the packet of Durex off of the bedside table....

(I know it was him because the thieving little git used to nick the AA batteries out of my spare alarm clock, and they'd gone too.)

Are you sure it's from a "spare alarm clock," or something else? ;)
 
When I first met my now ex-wife, I was out on the piss with my little brother. We had been drinking quite a lot on an all day session and needless to say we ended up at the local night club. I decided to chat this bird up (ex-wife), and my brother decided to go up to her friend - take his false tooth out and put it in her drink, he then asked if she was going to drink it - and decided to drink it for her, then proceeded to puke up on her new shoes. Needless to say we were shunned at that point.
I had to wait until I was sober a few months later and pretty much do a grovelling apology - buy some drinks and give her friend money for a new pair of shoes. After that I was in the good books :)
 
Was talking to a friend about this the other night and it got me thinking. I had my usual share of cockblocks from a girl's GFs, bros, friends etc. etc. in general but the one which stands out for me was what happened back in the day in college.

I was driving with a girl I was "trying to get to know well" to a party at a online radio station located just outside Detroit. A friend of mine was a DJ there, they always had good parties during the weekends, so I decided to take this girl with me.

We already had been drinking earlier in the day as I was tailgating for a college football home game, both of us were flirting with each other the whole time (she was new sorority girl, who had just transferred to my campus) etc. Anyways, after the game (which we won by the way), I wanted to take the things up a bit, change the scenery, so asked her if she wanted to join me at this party. Having said yes, I was driving(no I wasn't drunk, stopped quite a few hours earlier) there, with both of us getting all touchy and feely along the way. We were getting close to the place we were headed to, driving on 8mile east, when I couldn't take it anymore, pulled us over into a side street. As we were half naked slithering about in the cramped car steaming up the windows, I wrapped up my fella and was about to.....when,*knock* *knock* knock*! on the windows. Both of us were scrambling to cover ourselves thinking it was a cop or something, when I notice it was a freaking homeless tramp banging on the window to ask for some spare change or empties (MI has recycling laws, so if you take back an empty you get 10 cents). I roll down the window shooing away the guy, but the ****** persisted till I gave him a couple of bucks. His parting shot? "Nice girl, fella!"

That certainly cooled down things, we decided to just go to the party. So yeah, I got cockblocked by a tramp. On 8 mile road. In Detroit.

p.s: before you ask, yes I did, later that night.
FFS - 8 Mile Rd? You were asking for it to be pestered by every drunk tramp and drug pusher in the metro Detroit area. Anyway, I thought all you rubes from Ann Arbor took Michigan Ave to I-94 to get to the Big City for the week-end. 8 Mile Rd is a little off your patch. :?

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