What To Say To Telemarketers

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by msr, Oct 5, 2007.

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  1. msr

    msr LE

    Can't help thinking there should be points attached to each allowing everyone to 'play the game' with these annoying idiots.


    If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you sure could use some money.

    If they start out with, 'How are you today?' say, 'Why do you want to know?'. Alternately, you can tell them, 'I'm so glad you asked,because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems;my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my dog just died' when they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

    If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

    This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: 'Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ company' You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, 'What are you wearing?'

    Cry out in surprise, 'Judy, IS that you? Oh my God Judy, how have you been?' Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

    Say 'No,' over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    If MCI or AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family & Friends Plan, reply in as Sinister a voice as you can. 'I on't have any friends. Would you be my friend?'

    If the company cleans rugs, respond: 'Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?'

    After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him / her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

    Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

    Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream 'Oh my God!!!' then hang up.

    Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment and ask them to give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When they explain that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say 'I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home right?' The telemarketer will agree and you say, 'Now you know how I feel!' Hangup.

    Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

    Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack you food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

    Tell the telemarketer you are 'grounded' and ask if they could bring you some beer.

    Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

    Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. 'C'mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your mom?'

    If they are selling magazines, ask them if they come in Braille.

    Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.
  2. Alternatively, "I don't speak english" works.

    Tried and tested and proved.

    Sluggy xx
  3. Inspiring.
    These people are complete dullards and get very flustered if dialogue doesn't go according to "how it should on the script". Anything to upset the proceedings is a laugh.

    One thing. Did you rip/plaigarize this from some email/website? It looks familiar and some of the spelling is very septic, namely 'mom'

    Still good though.
  4. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    After receiving a number of calls from a well known window firm asking me about double glazing etc I gave in and asked them to come round and give me a quote for one of their conservatories, but that I was only available after 2100hrs. The supervisor (smarmy tw@t) called me back to confirm the appointment, which I did but again stated that I was only available after 2100hrs.

    On the night of the appointment I sat at home in eager anticipation of the new addition to my home and the money that it would cost me.

    I never got to meet the salesman face to face although he did call me something rude over the intercom.

    How was I to know that you cant get a conservatory if you live on the 5th floor of a tower block.

    I never got another call though.
  5. I thought those blokes in Norway were awesome. I for one would gladly talk to them
  6. I had a call from them yesterday even though I'm on the telephone pref service kn0bbers woke me up off nights as well politely told them this down the phone. Quickest way to get them off is just mention the TPS they'll be off quicker than Maddie McCann.

    My cousin had one a few years ago cold selling for a conservatory strung them along for about 1.5 hrs agent hwas getting excited at the thought of a sale when my cousin asked the last question of how they were going to fit it as he was 4 floors up in a block of flats :p
  7. its also true (generally after her third pint of wine), this can backfire of course as often they don't speak English either. Pretend to be german/french/Scandinavian or Japanese- and don't do a Peter Sellers style Indian impression.
  8. I'll look for it and post it - but a few years back used a word document that was six different langauge (French, German, Spanish, Arabic, Chinese and Russian) versions of something along the following lines:

    All are laid out in easy to pronnounce english phonics, so even with the poorest of foreign language skills, it's possible to do a good Dom Jolly. On the offchance that the muppet at the other end of the 'phone did speak the language - you'd get a barrage back, and you just go onto the next language of your choice.

    Used it a couple of times (and Anglian Home Improvements, don't call me, I'll never call you) and had great fun as the call centre operator, recognised it as french, went off to get someone who spoke the language of surrender, to then get a mouthful of chinese back.

    I know, my carer will take me outside in the garden later! :)
  9. Usted es madre era una puta cuando ella le tenía. Su padre es desconocido y sus niños están limitados para ser feos. Si usted puede entender lo que estoy diciendo, tome el teléfono que usted está sosteniendo y con tanta fuerza como sea posible, la pegaron encima de su arse.
  10. My brother said ' can you hang on a minute whilst I get a pen' - then goes off and watches telly! Reckons they mark you as a crank and stop bothering you, and it runs up the bill.

    Others that spring to mind are:

    get a recording saying ' your call is important to use, we will deal with your request as soon as we have available operator...' followed by Mozart for 5 minutes.

    Attempt to make a fax machine noise down the phone.
  11. I reckon that before the end of the morning, I won't need to find the original - lost it in the house move.

    So, any other translators online? :D
  12. I just give the phone to my 5 year old who just loves to tell anyone who will listen to him about thomas the tank engine and his goldfish
  13. Half of the them don't speak english either :D
  14. The bastages are getting canny now. Most of the calls i get are pre-recorded. That spoils the fun :x

    Edited for fat fingers!
  15. Close but no cigar. Here's a more accurate version, although missing some accents, etc as am at work...-

    Tu madre fue una puta cuando te di luz. Tu padre es un un desconocido y tus hijos seran feos. Si puedes entender lo que te digo, coge el telefono que tengas y con todo tu fuerzo empujarlo por tu culo.

    Easy pronounciation:
    To madray phuey una pooter quando tea dee luc. To padre s un deskonothido e twos ihos seranne fayos. Sea pwedes entender low ke tea deego, cohe el telefono ke tengas e con todo to fuertho empuharlo pour to kulo.

    Optional extras, can be yelled with feeling or whispered every so often....(un for blokes, una for lasses so as not to discriminate)-
    Eres un/una hijodeputa (literally-you are a son/daughter of a whore, nonliterally-you are a mofo) - EP= eres un/una ihodepota
    Cabron (bastard, blokes only)- EP=kabron (this is why I can always be found giggling when shops play that Red Hot Chilli Peppers song and notice someone nodding along..... :D )
    No me jodes (don't screw me, excalmation of surprise, or warning)- EP=no me hodes

    Personally I've always found that interjecting with a random foreign (or just something sounding foreign) phrase befuddles them....that or starting to read out loud and slowly anything to hand-soup packets, blurb on books, etc....or ask, do you know Bob? again and again.....