What to do with a dead stripper?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Devil_Dog, Sep 12, 2007.

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  1. Good pal of mine just called me and hysterically explained that he woke up in bed with a dead stripper. Apparently she has been stiff for a few hours now. He does vaguely remember choking her and he claims it was an accident and says he was just trying out a technique called auto-erotic asphyxiation. I for one don't know what that means but it sounds pretty exciting.

    My question is, what should he do with the stripper? My advice was for him to get a shovel and cart her off to the forest, dig a shallow hole (she was quite small) and act like nothing ever happened.

    My second question is, how do I get meself a chick that is in to this auto-erotic asphyxiation thing?

    After my recent misfortunes in the Dog Pound, I am in need of some variety in my life.
  2. Do they have to be 'into it'? Surely you can just strangle them anyway?

    I saw a bird on MTV a couple of days ago, who was into underwater bondage sex. Perhaps you could give that a go if the strangling thing doesn't work out.


    P.S. As to your friend's problem, does he have any carnivorous pets?
  3. Get him to keep her there, Until you can have a go.

    Is she still warm?
  4. You need to find a nurse or a female doctor. Otherwise, if you mention "auto-erotic asphyxiation," all you'll get is a blank look.

    Of course, if you get the technique wrong, you'll still get a blank look, as your mate can, no doubt, testify.
  5. Admit nothing until my legal team gets there and can help.
  6. Just a minor point on the terminology. "Auto" means something done to yourself, so if your mate was trialling "auto-erotic asphyxiation," he should have been choking himself.

    That's probably what went wrong. Ignorance of obsolete classical languages could be your mate's best defence.
  7. Maybe in the throes of an orgasmic climax he rolled over and smothered her?

    Either way, she is dead.
  8. Your mate is, quite literally, in a deadly serious situation. So what on earth are you doing messing about on ARRSE?

    The first thing you need to do is consult the world's leading experts in the field of auto erotic asphyxiation and related depravity -> CLICK HERE

    Secondly, your mate needs to know how to do it right. He'll need the following equipment:-

    1 x Orange
    1 x Dose 3-methyl-1-nitrosooxybutane (a.k.a. amyl nitrate)
    1 x Plastic bin liner (a.k.a. garbage bag)
    1 x Length electrical cable
    1 x Suspender belt (a.k.a. garter belt)
    2 x Stockings

    The procedure to be used is known as the Stephen Milligan technique LINK
  9. i took mine back to machine mart for a refund :)
  10. I might ask him to pop round and see my missus for a repeat performance!
  11. Have you tried replacing the fuse? Maybe there's some compatability issue with your power supply. If so, you can always fall back on solvent-based ones. Just remember to clean your brushes thoroughly afterwards and ventilate the room.
  12. The following is not totally relevant, but here goes anyway: -

    There was a young fellow called Dave
    Who found a dead pro in a cave.
    It took quite some pluck
    To have a cold fcuk,
    But think of the money he'd save.
  13. Whoa there, carrots! Jumping in with both feet, you eager little chemist, you.

    Go easy on those pesky solvents until you have ascertained the relevant medium. It may be something that either steam or even brisk abrasion with an appropriate tool/material will work on, without risking skin burns or respiratory damage.
  14. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    My first thought was to tell you to go back to B&Q and ask for your money back, then I realised what you meant.

    The first question is, why bother fannying around with Erotic Asphyxiation in the first place? This implies the knowledge and consent (obviously not if she realises she's going to kark it) of the partner, whether employed or not.

    The thing to go for is Surprise Erotic Asphyxiation, and you can do this with anyone. Simply ensure you are mounted in a suitably supported and secure position, and then engage fanatasy drive through the application of choking. When your erstwhile partner thinks she (or in the case of MDN 'it') that you are about to exterminate her, she'll struggle violently. Taadaaa, killed two birds with one choke. You get your Erotic Asphyxiation AND some violent sex at the same time.
  15. I had thought of those, believe me. In any other circumstances I would have advised similar, but if the problem does lie with his power supply, he may not be able to generate the required volumes of steam/friction required to complete a large job. Of course, if he had access to a portable generator, his problem is solved.

    Apart, obviously from dismembering the body and cleaning up the forensic. Mind you, the steam cleaner might help with this.