What the f-uck happened?

#1
I was chucking out some old stuff and came across an old filofax that I used to jot all my sh-it into. As fate would have it, it was from 1995, so I had a flick through to see how my life had changed over a decade. Compare the two sets of activities.

March 1995.

Got back off exercise and went on the beer on Wednesday and Thursday, before going on leave for two weeks. On leave, me and my girlfriend spent a week and a half, bumming round Marrakesh, getting pissed and generally having a laugh. Got back from Morrocco and had the weekend in Manchester. On the Friday we went for a meal and went to a gig, getting in at 5.30 in the morning. Got up just in time to catch the back end of Football Focus, before spending the day down at Dukes, getting bladdered with a bunch of mates. Finished up in a nightclub and had another 5 o'clocker. Spent the whole of Sunday in bed, having occasional sex interspersed with brews and fry ups.

March 2005

Combed nits out of my wifes hair, while my kids destroyed our shell of a house.

Holy fcuking moley!!! What the fcuk happened? I thought I was doing quite well until I read that fcuking diary. 8O 8O 8O
 
#2
1985 - First working unit routine, Mon-Thurs night Naafi Bar, Fri/Sat night downtown, Sun Lunchtime time session.
2005 - Last working unit, Mon-Thurs night stay in, have to be up at 0545 every morning, Fri night get hammered downtown, Sat/Sun recovering.

God I am fecking old
 
E

error_unknown

Guest
#3
Couldn't agree more.

1985 - huge p1ss-up in Mess on Thursday night, too ill to work Friday morning, battalion runs BFT Friday afternoon (throw up afterwards), catch stand-by flight Aldergrove-Heathrow Friday evening, p1ss it up in London with Girlfriend all Saturday and Sunday (plenty of gratuitous sex thrown in), back to NI last thing Sunday evening and duty transport back for muster parade Monday morning.

2005 - Friday evening, take son No 1 to footie training (concurrent activity - do shopping at Harry Tuffins, chav supermarket extraordinaire); Saturday morning, take son No 2 to riding school (concurrent activity - poorly executed DIY tasks at wife's direction); Saturday afternoon, take daughter swimming (also at wife's direction); Saturday evening, cook dinner, have a couple of beers, share bottle of wine with wife, fall asleep in front of TV; Sunday morning, take son No 1 to footie match (concurrent activity - watch footie match); Sunday lunch, no drinking because...; Sunday afternoon, drive back to London for start of working week; Sunday evening, eat supper, share bottle of wine with wife, fall asleep in front of fücking 'Midsomer Murders'...

Conclusion: Pussy whipped.

Oh yes, and I've done the fücking nit-combing thing as well.
 
#4
chickenpunk said:
Oh yes, and I've done the fücking nit-combing thing as well.
How Romantic ! :lol:
 
#5
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thank God I am single and have no children
 
#7
01 April 1985 - Met up with mini-bezzers after double PE. Marky bought Jenny (Billy’s sister) along for some reason. I manage to smuggle a pack of Um-Bongo from mum’s kitchen cupboard and we go down to the park. Alan shows us his new Transformer (The decepticon that turns into a gun –Ace!!!) and we talk about what a wnaker Gordon Strachan is. After our 6th Um Bongo we feel funny so see how fast we can spin round on the merry-go-round. All the while Jenny is telling us to gro up and stop being stupid little boys. We give Marky evils and he looks confused – he doesn’t want to upset Jenny for some reason but he knows we’ll give him chinese burns unless he stops being gay. He tells her to bugger off and play with her my little ponies if she doesn’t like it. She bursts into tears and runs off. We feel bad for about ten seconds then try to find who can go downhill in a shopping trolley the fastest.

01 April 2005 - Met up with bezzers after sports afternoon. Mark bought Jen (Fat QARANC) along because he’s been trying to get in her pants for ages. I’ve got some carry-out stella and we drink it on the train on the way to London. Alan shows us his new iPOD and we talk about what a wnaker Gordon Strachan is. After our 6th Tequila/Vodka/Redbull we feel funny so see how fast we can spin round on our bar stools. All the while Jen is looking bored and disgusted. We give Mark evils for bringing such a humourless cow along and he looks confused – he wants a sh@g but knows we’ll give him sh1t unless he stops being gay. He tells her to bugger off back to her ex if she doesn’t like it. She bursts into tears and walks out. We feel bad for about ten seconds then try to find who can go downhill in a shopping trolley the fastest.
 
#8
I think the word "wife" answers the question :lol:
 
#9
OldSnowy said:
Poppy -

That's not divine intervention, but Darwinism in action :)
Bog off - you are just jealous because I can do as I please with no one to moan if I get home pie-eyed in the middle of the night and trip over the cat :roll: :roll: :roll:
 
#11
chickenpunk said:
semper said:
chickenpunk said:
Oh yes, and I've done the fücking nit-combing thing as well.
How Romantic ! :lol:
A sign of true love.
Not just romantic, but strangely therapeutic and rewarding.

"Watch them as they cling forlornly to life on the teeth of that fine comb. See their horror as they are tapped on to a piece of white paper and they realise that escape is now impossible. Imagine them pleading for mercy as the thumbnail of destruction chops their little body in half."

Thats what it said on the bottle of nit shampoo that I bought, anyway.
 
#12
1995 Friday - spent evening at home crying my eyes out whilst my Tw*t of a husband was sh*gging his new 19 year old bimbo followed by him not coming home. Life sucks.

2005 Friday - spent evening in a really nice eatery having lobster and lots of wine followed by being taken home and rogered senseless by my boyfriend. Never thought of my ex husband once. Result. Life is GREAT :)
 
#13
Poppy said:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thank God I am single and have no children
Looks like your in the clear anyway, Poppy. I've just had another check of the nit shampoo bottle, and it says.

"Nits are more common in children, but adults that live in close proximity to minors are regularly affected. Nits can be avoided by:

a. Avoiding any hair to hair contact with children.

b. Dabbing a small amount of teatree oil at the nape of the neck. This serves as both treatment and preventative.

c. Adopting a hairstyle so farcical, that no self regarding nit would be seen dead in it. The 'Anvil' or 'German Helmet' is particularly effective.
 
#14
convoy_cock said:
Poppy said:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thank God I am single and have no children
Looks like your in the clear anyway, Poppy. I've just had another check of the nit shampoo bottle, and it says.

"Nits are more common in children, but adults that live in close proximity to minors are regularly affected. Nits can be avoided by:

a. Avoiding any hair to hair contact with children.

b. Dabbing a small amount of teatree oil at the nape of the neck. This serves as both treatment and preventative.

c. Adopting a hairstyle so farcical, that no self regarding nit would be seen dead in it. The 'Anvil' or 'German Helmet' is particularly effective.
Phew! :lol:
 
#15
April 1995: wondering how to research & write 8 university papers in a week... 8O

April 2005: chilling out in Singapore, drinking red wine... 8)
 
E

error_unknown

Guest
#16
convoy_cock said:
chickenpunk said:
semper said:
chickenpunk said:
Oh yes, and I've done the fücking nit-combing thing as well.
How Romantic ! :lol:
A sign of true love.
Not just romantic, but strangely therapeutic and rewarding.

"Watch them as they cling forlornly to life on the teeth of that fine comb. See their horror as they are tapped on to a piece of white paper and they realise that escape is now impossible. Imagine them pleading for mercy as the thumbnail of destruction chops their little body in half."

Thats what it said on the bottle of nit shampoo that I bought, anyway.
It's worth noting that the gorgeous Mrs chickenpunk was unable to come up with many kind words about our children for a few days after this, nor indeed about their 'disgusting pikey friends' who had, in her estimation, unleashed the infestation upon them. There are some advantages to being slap-headed. :D
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#17
Apr 1985
Sat night - In S'pore drinking cold Tigers.
Watch young offr waltz off with local 'bint' despite warnings.
Watch young offr return shamefaced five mins later (and spend rest of night washing his hands at quarterly intervals.)
End up at 'Happy House' knocking shop with two delightful Chinese bints, (who had actually been bints all their lives,) and re-learning the mysteries on the Orient.

Sun morning - Discover once again mystery of the Orient means watch, wallet & bints had evaporated like morning dew before the Eastern sun.
Find oppos at the Brit Club on Beach Road, get banjoed again.

Apr 2005
Sat night - Indoors drinking cold beers.
Watch endless re-runs of old Brit sitcoms on BBC Prime.
Watch more endless re.runs of old Brit sitcoms on BBC Prime.
End up having a battle wnak and damaging eqpt.

Sun morning - Discover once again that full-contact wnaking still means eqpt needs two FFDs, a week's stand-down or backloading for rep.
Find pissed oppo on doorstep looking for his house, open beers & get banjoed again.
 
#18
April 1997 -

Working for easy money in telecoms heyday
Sharing house with 3 females mates
Partying non stop
Tight arse, firm breasts and no wrinkles


April 2005-

Working far too many hours in Media Sales
Sharing house with young child and old bloke
Doing housework non stop
Changing nappies (child) and changing swamped mattresses (bloke)
Saggy arse, breasts swinging by the knees and face like a pug dog

Frightening thought, I haven't even hit thirty yet
 
#20
Feb 95: Thought about joining the army

Feb 05: Thought about leaving the army

Hmmmmmmmm!!

when was i better off? lol
 

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